So, you’ve made it through the first two installments of Detours, huh? Well, I commend you, fic reader! But be warned...this next chunk of "Detours" is what sets the proverbial men from the boys. Making up, making out, bitch slaps, and cat attacks are only the tip of this iceberg! We even had to enlist the help of King Bumi just to make it through the wedding chapter.
Yes, you heard me. The wedding chapter.
It’s okay if you turn back now. I won’t blame you.
Suki frowned. "So. You mean to tell me that your father and the other men of the Water Tribe are holding us captive?"
BF: (Suki) Your dad is kinda harsh about us dating....
"Not us, exactly..."
"Who, then?"
BF: Jo-Bob?
"You and Aang...Dad trusts Katara and me, but he has no clue who you and Aang are."
BF: So naturally he holds them captive, not trusting his own children’s reassurances...
(Katara) Really, dad, Aang is nice!
(Katara’s Dad) I don’t know...he has tattoos all over his body...and tattoos usually indicate that the person wearing them runs with a rougher crowd.
"But Aang is the Avatar!" Suki protested. "And I'm...well...I'm me!
BF: (Suki) So, NATURALLY they should trust me!
And I'm hurt, what am I going to do with myself, just sitting in this tent all day?"
BF: (Sokka) *I* can think of something...heehee...
(Suki) Knock it off.
"Rest? Because you're hurt?"
BF: (Sokka) You need healing...*sexual* healing...
(Suki, annoyed) I *said* knock it off!
Aang pulled his gag off. "Me too, I have elements to master, I can't sit around all day!"
BF: Ha! Sure Aang, that’s what you *say*, but we all know you go off riding animals while you’re “training”...
"Well, for you..." Katara stood up. "I'm going to convince Dad to take us to the North Pole."
BF: (Katara) Dad? Can you give us a ride to the North Pole? And maybe loan us $20?
BF: There’s a lot of snorting. Makes me worry...
(Katara’s dad) What’s this I hear about ‘snorting’? Hey, are you kids taking drugs?
(Katara and Sokka, rolling eyes) Nooooo....
and heading for the tent's exit. "Dad's as thick-skulled as you are."
"If all else fails, we can always just sneak out and find Appa.
BF: Breaking curfew? Now you’re *really* gunna hear it from Katara and Sokka’s dad!
I mean, we're close enough to the North Pole that we can get there in a day easy, no stops needed...except for potty breaks, of course!" Aang chirped.
BF: (Katara, as they fly on Appa) Guys...? I kinda need to go...can we land?
(Sokka) Just whiz off the side...it’s fun!
(Katara) =_=
(Sokka) Oh yeah, you’re a girl. *sigh* Girls always have to make things more difficult, don’t they? (Gets smacked)
"Suki isn't going anywhere!" Sokka folded his arms. "She's healing, she needs to rest!"
BF: (Sokka) In my sleeping bag! With me in it!
"Since when did you become Mr. Overprotective?" Suki asked, rolling her eyes.
BF: (Katara, flatly) Since forever.
"Is it because I'm a girl? Is that why?"
BF: (Sokka) Nooo, it’s because you’re a total babe! Now, stop fussing and get into that sleeping bag!
"No, it's because you're in no condition to go out in the freezing cold and possibly face your fiery death!" Sokka retorted,
BF: Whoa. Fire and ice. Not a pleasant combo.
sticking his tongue out.
BF: And displaying the maturity of a six year old.
"Who says I'm going to die?
BF: Uh-oh. Has Mei been having dreams about Suki too?
I can take care of myself, thank you very much!" Suki shot back, sticking her tongue out also.
BF: Into Sokka’s mouth.
(Sokka, happily) Well, can’t argue with that!
"I'm still not letting you go!"
BF: (Sokka) I don’t want you running off to some shmuck bishonen!
"Who are you to stop me? And why?"
BF: What is this, twenty questions?
"Because he likes you," Aang whispered, and a blush crept into Sokka's face.
BF: Aang’s lips were so full and pouty, Sokka couldn’t help but stare at them. He vaguely wondered if they tasted sweet, like candy...
"Well, I like him too," Suki said, mock-cheerily.
BF: Good relationships are built on sincerity, Suki.
"And since we both like each other so much, he should respect my decision to come with you to kick some Firebender asses! Isn't that right, Sokka?"
BF: Oh my...what every man dreads: the “If you *really* loved me” ploy...
"If you want to get killed, be my guest..."
BF: (Firebenders) Be our guest, be our guest, put our burning to the test! Tie a noose around your neck, cherie, and we’ll put you to rest!
"That wasn't the response I was hoping for," Suki said slowly, after a moment of silence, "but whatever you say, Sokka."
BF: Sokka’s not falling for the ploy? What will you do now, Suki?
"I still won't let you go with them!"
BF: (Sokka) You’re MY woman–OW!
"Then why did you say you would?"
"I didn't say I would!"
"Yes you did, you just did!"
Sokka blinked. "You're arguing just to argue, aren't you?"
BF: You’re writing just to write, aren’t you, Arekisu?
"What can I say?" Suki shrugged. "I'm a fighter."
BF: Or just contentious.
(Kyoshi warrior) Beef for dinner?
(Suki) Chicken!
(Kyoshi warrior) But...we don’t *have* any chicken...
(Suki, drawing knife) I *said* “chicken”...
(Kyoshi warrior) Eep. Okay!
Whack, whack, whack!
BF: Went the lumberjack. Chop down those trees! Screw the fresh air!
"I can't believe you, brother!"
BF: (Mei) Stop stealing my panties to wear! You’re stretching them out!
Zuko grabbed his sister's wrist and twisted.
BF: (Mei) OW! You gave me an Indian burn...aww...it’s in the shape of a heart!
(Zuko) If I had twisted a little more, it would have become permanent.
"Stop pounding on me. How old are you? Two, three?"
BF: You give her FAR too much credit, Zuko.
"I'm ten, thank you very fucking much!" Mei screeched, twisting away from him.
BF: There goes that potty mouth again. I think it’s time to call in Nanny 911.
She then lost her balance, due to her broken and bandaged ankle, and toppled to the floor.
BF: (Nelson) Ha ha!
Her brother loomed over her, smirking. "How's the weather down there?"
BF: (Mei) Fair, with a major chance of “I can see your crotch from here!”
"You stupid jerk!" Mei clambered to her feet, snarling like some kind of rabid chimpanzee.
BF: She IS some kind of rabid chimpanzee. Although, chimpanzees are a little too intelligent for her...howler monkey, maybe? Baboon?
"You want Echo to end up like Mommy, don't you? Don't you?"
BF: Echo becomes a desperate housewife...
Zuko suddenly looked blank.
BF: (Zuko) “Mommy”? What’s that?
(BF) Can’t blame him...mothers are quite the rarity over at Avatarland...
"Of course not."
"If you touch Echo again-"
"I thought you wanted me to touch her, little sister."
BF: Nice comeback, Zuko.
"Beating her up doesn't count!" shrilled Mei, continuing to pound on him with her fists. "If you rape her or make her into your sex slave or something-"
BF: You know, these all sound like things MEI would like to do with Echo...
(Mei) And if you force her to lick whipped cream off your nipples, I’ll never forgive you!
"Who says I raped her? I didn't rape her!"
BF: Nakago did! The bastard!
Mei blinked. "You didn't?"
"Of course not!"
BF: So even Arekisu admits there are lines of OOCness that should not be crossed...
The princess folded her arms, looking irritated. "But ya beat the shit out of her."
BF: (Zuko, fondly) Good times, gooooood times.
"She deserved it." Zuko turned away and folded his arms as well.
BF: (folds arms) What? Everyone else is doing it!
"How can you say that?" Mei asked, incredulous. "What did she ever do to deserve that?"
BF: You want the alphabetical list or the numerical one?
Silence.
BF: (revels in moment where Mei is not talking)
"I know what she did wrong," the princess said after a few moments.
BF: She came into this fic?
"She came into your life."
BF: OMG, I’m channeling MEI now! I feel so dirty!
"No shit."
BF: Tell it straight, Zuko!
"You shouldn't punish her because you won't admit to yourself that you love her."
BF: (to Arekisu) You shouldn’t punish us because you won’t admit to yourself Zuko would never love Echo.
"I don't love her."
BF: I could cry for Zuko, he’s fighting the OCs and OOC *so hard*, yet failing. It’s like watching baby turtles get eaten on the beach...so cruel.
A very, very perverted grin crossed her face. "So you didn't rape her...why not? You want to do it with her out of her own free will?"
BF: Leave it to Mei to drag down a serious discussion about the beating and suspected rape of Echo into a prose version of “You and me baby ain’t nuthin’ but mammals”...
"Mei-"
"Or are you going to force yourself on her?"
BF: A concept she was absolutely distraught over last chapter...
"Mei, I swear-"
"Gonna make her have your babies?"
BF: God, she’s worse than a stereotypical Italian mother!
"MEI!"
BF: Zuko sure likes saying Mei’s name...
(Echo, pouting) You never call my name that much when *we* argue...
Feeling satisfied that she'd directed her brother's anger in another direction,
BF: Herself.
Mei grinned and took a few steps back. "She probably wants to have your babies, after all. She's totally in love with you, she'll let ya have all the babies ya want!"
BF: Much like incest, having sex with OCs greatly increases the risk of bearing children with some form of mental retardation.
"YOU LITTLE-"
The little girl shrugged. "What? Every kingdom needs an heir...or two or three...or ten..."
BF: Let’s stop at none.
Zuko clenched his fists, trying to keep calm. "I'll give you one last chance to run."
Mei took a few more steps back toward the door. "Yeah, heh...I still have burn marks on my ass from the last time you chased me away in a howling fit of rage.
BF: Ass-cheeks extra crispy? TMI at its finest, folks...
Tell me, because I'm dying to know; how did you shoot flames at me and scream cuss words while still managing to hold that towel on?"
BF: (Mei) THIS time, I wanna make sure it falls off!
"What's there to tell? I held the towel on with one hand and shot flames out of the other."
"You have good aim."
BF: Zuko’s IM name is “ph34rt3hph1r3".
"Thank you."
BF: Now, bow politely and walk away, Mei.
"I bet Echo wanted to see you with that towel off..."
BF: So did all his fangirls, too.
"MEI!"
"Run?"
"I'll give you a three-second head start."
"Six seconds, my ankle is broken!"
BF: Can she even *walk*?
"Fine, six."
"Let's make it seven?"
"Five...four...three..."
BF: (singing loudly) It’s the final countdown!
"EEEP!" Mei rushed out the door and disappeared around the corner.
Zuko sighed loudly, never having any intention to follow her, and shook his head. "Little bitch..."
BF: It’s always the little ones that bark the loudest.
"Watch your mouth." Raeona entered the room and handed her nephew a cup of tea.
BF: Where did the tea come from? Maybe she has huge storage sleeves like Iroh...
"Don't tell me to watch my mouth." He shoved the cup away.
BF: (Zuko) Ugh. Put more sugar in. This tastes bitter.
Frowning, Raeona sat down at the table. "I don't like your attitude."
BF: *groan*...she sounds like such a...MOM.
Zuko stuck his nose up in the air.
BF: Searching for the scent of blood!
"Let's get something straight. I'm the Fire Lord now. I'll do whatever the hell I want to do." He paused for a moment and then added, "And that includes swearing."
BF: And random executions!
(Zuko, with all the OCs’ heads on pikes)It’s good to be the king!
"Does it include battering your future bride?"
BF: That’s one of it’s biggest perks!
"I lost my temper with her, all right?"
"What else is new?"
"She deserves it, anyway. She needed to be put in her place."
BF: (solemnly) Truer words have never been spoken.
Raeona took out a spoon and stirred her tea.
BF: (Rae) There’s a fly in my tea.
(Zuko) Ahh, he don’t drink much.
"I know you don't believe that."
"I do."
"No, you don't. Now go apologize to her."
BF: (Rae) You WILL succumb to the will of the OC!
"You can't make me do anything," Zuko sneered, then went back to looking disinterested.
BF: Resist, Zuko, resist!
"For God's sake!" Raeona exclaimed, looking ready to tear out her graying hair.
BF: (Rae) Why? Why won’t he jump on command like he SHOULD?
"Stop being so impossible, honestly, Zuko! How can that girl possibly love you so much to defend your sorry ass?"
BF: Two words: “Zuko shirtless”.
This caught the king's attention.
BF: (Zuko) Mmm...“King”. I like that.
"Defend me? She defended me?"
Raeona nodded. "She tried to convince us that she was mugged or something ridiculous like that..."
BF: (Echo) I was attacked...by aliens!
(Everyone else) Uh huh.
"So, then, how did you figure out it was me?"
BF: (Rae) We knew it was you from the “Z” you slashed across her chest!
(Zuko) That’s *Zorro’s* trademark, not mine, *fool*!
(Rae) Oh. Oops. Guess Echo wasn’t lying about being robbed by a man in black...
"Who else has violent, howling fits of rage like you do?"
BF: That depends. Are we talking about “Avatar Zuko” or “Detours Zuko”?
Zuko rubbed his
BF: ...nipples.
temples. "You people enjoy using the term 'howling fit of rage'. Did you and Mei plan to use that phrase?"
BF: Wow, it’s like they’re Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb.
Raeona snorted and took another sip of tea.
BF: She tried to sip around all the snot floating in her cup.
"Your sister invented the phrase, I just added a word. Violent howling fits of rage. We used to call them tantrums when you were small, but then they evolved as you got older. Funny, most people do the opposite, you know? As you grow older, you're supposed to learn how to control yourself and not start screaming and throwing random objects at people when you don't get your way."
BF: So what happened with the OCs? Did their tantrums evolve? Echo’s turned into general contentiousness, Mei’s into perverted/slapping/hitting outbursts, and Rae’s into condescending tirades?
"But why did you add violent?"
"Oh, I don't know. Maybe because your tantrums are violent?"
BF: He destroyed several rooms, but as a plus, Mei got to play “Redecorator”!
Zuko waved her off. "Go do something else, leave me."
"What would you like me to do, my lord?" Raeona finished the last of her tea and smirked.
BF: Jump off a cliff?
"I don't know, something! Anything! Go knit something or...something!"
BF: Zuko’s knowledge of female recreational activities: knitting.
"Fine. As you wish." The woman got up from the table and looked at him seriously. "But first, please. I'm not trying to be a pest,
BF: Ha!
and I'm not trying to control you.
BF: LIES! She speaks nothing but LIES!
I'm asking you, as my nephew...please, go talk to Echo. Apologize."
BF: (Rae) SUCCUMB to my will, damn you!
Zuko turned away, arms still folded. "No. She probably wants nothing to do with me, now...that's the way things should be."
BF: Exactly!
"Is that what your heart is telling you, or what you're trying to make everyone believe? Do you think that if you say it aloud enough times, the feeling will eventually go away?"
BF: (getting pissed off) And, tell me, do you think if you tell Zuko he loves Echo enough times, he will eventually fall for her? If you CRAM IT DOWN HIS THROAT AND MAKE HIM GAG ON IT ENOUGH TIMES that he will break away from his original character and be the cuddle-wubbins everyone is FORCING HIM TO BE?
Silence.
BF: (Zuko, thinking) If I pretend to be mulling her words over, will she shut up and leave?
"So you beat her to push her away, then? I know you haven't listened to your heart in a long, long time,"
BF: (Rae) Tell me, Prince-y, now when did you last let your heart decide...?
Raeona said gently, "and I also know that you have feelings for this girl. Feelings you want to hold back."
BF: Feelings that *AREN’T THERE*, GODDAMN YOU!
"She's a filthy peasant girl. And the only feeling I have toward her is annoyance, not love. Annoyance."
BF: Go, Zuko! Show the stuff that Byzantine heros are made of!
"You are impossible."
BF: (Rae) Why can’t I break him?
"I try. Now will you leave?"
"Not until I have your word that you'll at least talk to her."
BF: GOD! Rae’s motto: “Never give up. Never surrender.”
Zuko sighed, long and dramatically.
BF: Drama queen.
"Fine, fine, fine, you have my word, I'll talk to her, now leave!"
Raeona smiled as she got up from her seat and left. "There's hope for you yet, Zuko...there's hope for you yet."
BF: (Rae, sadistically) We’ll have you pussy-whipped before this fic is through!
BF: She had been suffering a rather unfortunate case of diarrhea this week.
got up from her bed, and opened the shade to let the sunshine in. "I never learned how. I can read a bit, but Ican't write at all."
BF: (Echo) I tell the men’s restrooms from the women’s, but that’s about it.
"You never learned?" Mei asked, incredulous. She herself was at a veryhigh reading level.
BF: (laughs) Yeah, she was at a “Where’s Waldo” and “I Spy” reading level.
"I was an orphan.
BF: Reading is *forbidden* to orphans!
(Chief Villager) If they learn how to read, we can’t exploit them anymore!
Hardly anyone in our village could read or write,anyway. It wasn't important to us."
BF: (Villagers) Reading? Ha! Reading is for losers who can’t get a social life!
"Everyone can read around here...this is the highest part of society there is."
BF: Ohhh, we’re hob-nobbing with the snobs, are we?
Mei hopped up from her chair and climbed onto Echo's bed, folding her legs under herself. She looked at the expensive, leather-bound storybook in her hands, then threw it to the floor.
BF: Mei has no appreciation for the value of things. Which is why Rae only buys her cheap crap from Wal-Mart.
"I wanted you to read me a story just for kicks, but I have a better idea."
"What's that?"
BF: She’s going to go stick her finger in a socket?
"I'll tell you a story."
BF: (Mei) It’s the one about the rodeo clown, the gay man, and the three-legged dog.
"Hmm..." Echo smiled, got back on her bed, and sat cross-legged,
BF: Oh. You’re sitting. Cross-legged. How pleasant for my eyes.
pulling the blanket over her.
BF: (sigh of relief)
As she did so, she picked at one of the many burn marks
BF: Ewwwwww....
(now merely scabs, thanks to one of Raeona's many remedies, much needed among the Firebenders)
BF: (Echo) I am stuck on Raeona brand, ‘cause germs don’t stick on me!
on her arm absently. "All right...go ahead."
Mei watched her for a moment, transfixed.
BF: (Mei) Ugh, can you stop picking? That’s disgusting!
Her gaze once again traveled to Echo's two black eyes, bandaged nose, and to the rest of the burns on her body.
BF: Not-so-oddly enough, that sentence kinda made me happy.
She whimpered. "I can't believe he did that to you..."
BF: (Mei) I mean, I knew he was OOC, but I didn’t know he was THAT OOC!
Echo frowned. "I don't care anymore, and neither should you, Mei."
"Doesn't it hurt, though?"
BF: (Mei) Does it hurt when I poke hard?
(Echo) Well, yes—OW!
The older girl shook her head. "No, thanks to Rae. Her concoctions actually work."
BF: Neosporin is the shiznat.
"I know that," Mei responded. "I mean, does it hurt that he was the one that did it?"
BF: Yes, let’s all relive Echo’s beating. Because we can’t get enough of that angst!
"Listen to me, Mei," Echo said firmly. "If I dwell on the past, it'll destroy me. I'm trying to get on with my life, and clawing open old wounds isn't going to help me.
BF: So stop picking your scabs! Yeesh!
I forgive Zuko, so let's forget it ever happened."
"Old wounds? It happened three days ago!"
BF: Oh, Mei, that’s practically CENTURIES ago!
"Fine, not old wounds." Echo hugged herself and shivered. "I forgive him, yes. But that doesn't mean that I don't want him anywhere near me for awhile."
BF: Somewhere, Zuko feels instantly relieved.
"He's insane,"
BF: in the membrane!
Mei added airily. "I don't want him anywhere near me, either."
BF: Zuko feels even more relieved.
(Zuko) Man, I haven’t felt this relieved since that potty break after five hours of kimodo-rhino riding!
"I'm being serious, Mei. I don't want to be near him until...until he can be nice."
BF: Keep it up Zuko! You can win!
"Yeah, right." Mei snorted. "I'd throw him in a torture chamber if he beat me up."
BF: Like she doesn’t anyway.
“Well, I'm not like that."
BF: (Echo) Are you convinced of my martyrdom yet?
"Are you even going to slap him? Or kick him? Or scream at him?"
BF: All things that would win you an instantaneous death with the REAL Zuko...
Echo shook her head. "I'm not like that. Again. I just...I just..."
"You're afraid of him?"
A nod.
BF: Mm. That’s logical.
"I thought as much. That's why I'm making him sleep in the basement!" Mei said cheerily.
BF: =_= You’re not serious...
Echo blinked. "You are?"
Mei shrugged. "I don't know. But I'll work something out, don't worry."
BF: Ooooh, I worry...
"Is this part of the story?" Echo asked irritably.
BF: (Echo) This story *sucks*.
"No," Mei said with a sigh, obviously wanting the arguement to continue.
BF: Arguement? Over what? How best to castrate Zuko?
"So tell me the story."
Mei took a deep, dramatic breath and began, "Once upon a time, there was a prince with a horrible temper-"
BF: Who was wrongfully beaten and emasculated by two wicked OCs...
"I know where this is going," Echo interrupted.
BF: To hell in a handbasket!
"Can I help you tell it?"
"Sure! The parts you know, anyway..."
BF: Ahhhh, craaaaaaaaaaaap, it’s a retelling of “Detours” from the OCs’ points of view...
"And this prince had a little sister, who preferred
BF: Sex and perversion
mud and dirt over dolls and frilly outfits."
Mei grinned proudly. "They never could get her into any of those frilly outfits, no they couldn't."
BF: So they settled for straightjackets instead.
"So...what next?"
BF: The End? Please?
"The prince's daddy was trying to take over the world,
BF: Dr. Evil never sleeps!
and the prince's mommy died right after his little sister was born," Mei said, sounding sad.
BF: Mei! You killed Zuko’s mother? You horrible wretch!
"Their daddy never came around much, but the prince was always, always trying to impress him."
BF: (Zuko) Look, daddy, I baked you a cake!
(Lord Ozai) Don’t be gay, Zuko.
Echo waited as she paused, and then Mei swiped at her eyes a few times
BF: Gouging them out.
and continued, "The prince and his little sister were very, very close,
BF: (Mei, to Zuko) We’re like siblings...only *closer*. (pulls up shirt to reveal them connected by throbbing, pulsating tissue)
(Zuko) GAAAAAAH!
until trying to gain his father's affections completely took over him, when he was around thirteen.
BF: That’s when Zuko started seeing his daddy in a new light...a very *special* light...
When the prince was fourteen, he overheard...something, I don't know what, I was never told...and he challenged the Master who said it to an Agni Kai."
BF: (Zuko) Daddy, you’ve been sleeping with another man? (Turns to other man) I challenge you, you dirty dad-stealing ho!
"What's an Agni Kai?" Echo asked, enthralled.
"A Firebender duel thing," Mei explained. "They go in this stadium thing and fight.
BF: It’s nice how Mei has knowledge and respect for her people’s traditions.
"And he lost?"
Mei nodded. "The prince lost, and his daddy banished him. He said, 'Come back with the Avatar, or don't come back at all.'"
BF: (Ozai) That ought to keep him busy long enough to turn his room into a jacuzzi!
"Then what?"
"I dunno." Mei shrugged. "This is the part where other people intervene. The prince's uncle goes with him and stuff, and the princess doesn't see them for two whole years...and then they come back!"
BF: DUN DUN DUUUUN!
"With me?"
"Hey, we're supposed to be telling a story, talk in the third person, stupid!"
Echo sighed. "They come back with a dirty, ugly peasant girl who the prince hates?"
BF: Bingo!
"He doesn't hate you."
BF: Oh yes, he does.
"Oh yes, he does."
BF: Okay, I’m getting a little weirded out here...
"Brother doesn't hate you! I know it!"
BF: But notice how Mei doesn’t deny the skanky peasant part...
"Whatever happened to talking in the third person?" Echo asked, smirking.
BF: You make up the rules, honey, you better *play* by them!
Mei sighed. "Whatever. So, this peasant girl has a past, right?"
"Not much of one."
BF: Read the spinoff for more details...and more pain.
"You don't remember?"
"Nope. And Echo isn't my real name, either."
BF: (Echo) I also didn’t think of it “off the spot”.
"What's your real name?"
(Echo) My real name is FiFi Trixiebelle.
"How should I know?"
Mei twitched. "Don't tell me you have some kind of horrible, overdramatic, clichéd past in store to launch on us right when things are going great."
BF: I don’t like these premonitions...
Echo blinked. "Uh, no. I just told you, I don't remember. I've tried everything."
BF: (Mei) Even breathing into a paper bag?
(Echo) Even that.
"And you didn't know brother in your past, right?"
BF: I mean, it’s bad enough you’re plaguing him in the present.
"How in the hell would I know him? What are you talking about?"
"Forget it...but you were a beggar and stuff, right?"
BF: (Mei) You steal grocery carts and everything, right?
Echo nodded. "Yep. And there was this guy..."
Mei sat up straight and frowned. "A guy? Another guy? A boy? Were you dating him? TELL ME!"
BF: No, they were competing for the coveted “Most IDIOTIC OC Ever Created” title.
"EEK!" Echo scooted away. "Calm down!"
BF: No, Echo. You have to swat her on the nose and speak to her in a firm voice, “NO. Down. Sit.”
"YOU LIKED SOMEONE ELSE? DOES HE STILL LIKE YOU? DOES BROTHER KNOW YOU'RE CHEATING ON HIM?"
BF: Brother will be thrilled!
"I'm not cheating on him! Calm down!"
Mei twitched again.
BF: Man, she’s like part Chihuahua or something...
"So what's up with this other guy?"
"I thought I was in love with him, but I was wrong."
BF: He was too much of a dumbass.
"But you're in love with brother?"
"That's a different kind of love," Echo mumbled, looking away.
BF: She means “lust”.
"The better kind?" Mei asked, grinning. Then, she looked confused.
BF: (Mei, singing) What is love? Ohh-oooh-whoa-ooh-oh-ooh-oh-ah!
"Explain it?"
"The love I felt for Kotah was more like...a crush. Lust. I knew he would never love me back, because he was too good for me."
BF: Um. THAT’S ZUKO.
"Okay, let's get a few things straight," Mei interrupted, trying to hide the fact that she was ecstatic. "Nobody is too good for anybody.
BF: No...Kermit is too good for Miss Piggy!
And explain what you feel for brother, please."
BF: (woodenly) In excruciating detail. Please.
A long pause. "Well, it's kind of like this..."
BF: (Echo) Okay, you got the birds and the bees and the flowers and the trees...
Zuko frowned as he climbed the stairs, looking at the bouquet of flowers in his hand. Shuddering, he muttered to himself, "What the hell am I doing here?"
BF: Recognizing OOC is the first step to curing it.
What am I doing here? Aunt Rae told me to apologize, and since when do I listen to her?
BF: Since your realized Rae is the only person keeping Mei at bay.
He looked down at the roses.
BF: Oh, lordy, I’m gagging on the cliche...
Great. I'm giving Echo the wrong idea now. She might think I actually like her if I say that I'm sorry.
BF: I know! Give her another beating! That’ll fix things!
The little voice in the back of his head argued, But you do like her.Love her, even.
BF: AHHHHHHHHHH! It’s the voice of SATAN!
Zuko shook himself. Love was for weaklings. He didn't love anyone. He didn't need anyone. He was the Fire Lord! He needed no companions!
BF: At least, not annoying and useless ones!
But you need your sister and aunt and uncle, and whether you like it or not, Zuko, you need a wife.
BF: Not really. He can just get a harem.
(Zuko) Works for me!
And you want Echo to be that wife, do you not?
BF: Satan! Stop destroying all the good things in life!
(Satan) Ahahahahahahahahaha!
"Shut up!" he hissed at himself. "Now I'm arguing with myself in my own head! Look what Echo did! She's making me insane!"
BF: (Satan, playing Britney Spears “You Drive me Crazy”)
(BF) STOP!
(Satan, gleefully singing along) Hit me, baby, one more time!
(BF)...well, *that* part I think Zuko can do. He likes smacking Echo around.
The voice in the back of his head sounded smug. She's only making you crazy because you can't come to terms with the fact that you're in love with her.
BF: (splashing Satan with holy water and holding up crucifix) Be gone! Withdrawl your evil from this fic! The power of Christ compels you!
(Satan, hissing) NEVER!
"I'm not in love with her," he growled, stopping on the stairs. "I'm not. And sometimes I think my conscience is Mei."
You just admitted you had a conscience
BF: Even worse, you admitted it was MEI!
"No, I just admitted that I'm talking to myself. I'm losing my mind. Happy now?"
Silence.
BF: Is he gone? All right! Take that, Catholic church! THIS is how you defeat Satan!
Zuko shook himself again. "Arguing with my conscience. I'm crazy, I really, truly am."
BF: Don’t worry, Zuko, once we put you through some therapy you’ll forget all about this nasty fic.
If you weren't in love with her, you wouldn't give up the bed to go sleep on a chair for the past few nights, because she doesn't want to be near you.
BF: (Satan) Thought you could defeat me? Arrogant brat!
(BF) Zuko would NEVER do that!
(Satan) He *would*, with the power of Arekisu compelling him!
"I'm nuts for doing that, too."
BF: See? Even Zuko can’t believe this outrageousness!
And nuts for even touching her in the first place?
BF: The words “nuts” and “touching” appear in the same sentence, and Mei hasn’t exploded on the scene to pervert it somehow? Strange...
"Exactly."
He got to the top of the stairs and stood outside Echo's door,
BF: (snicker) Shouldn’t he be sweeping? If you’re going tot eavesdrop, do it properly!
examining the bouquet
BF: (Zuko) I hope she doesn’t mind cheesy plastic roses I got at the 7-11.
and trying to stall.
BF: (Zuko) Must resist....impending doom....
Echo wasn't alone.
BF: The Lord was with her.
Mei was with her, again, he observed; the ten-year-old's voice could be heard from miles away.
BF: (annoyed neighbors) If they don’t turn her down, I’m calling the cops!
She sounded happy:
BF: Damn your glee!
"So, what about brother?" In response, Echo mumbled something.
BF: Something we cannot repeat here in order to preserve good taste.
Grumbling, he started to open the door, when Mei spoke again.
"Just tell me!" Mei shrieked. "Last time I asked, you just mumbled and wouldn't repeat anything you said!
BF: (Mei, earlier) What did Zuko do to you?
(Echo) mmmf mm mmmb murrrrrr...
(Mei) Grr! If you won’t tell me verbally, can’t we all least do it in charades?
(Echo, doing series of inappropriate gestures)
(Mei) *gasp*! If you don’t want to talk about it, *fine*! You don’t have to be so RUDE!
And you're doing it again! Out with it, already!"
BF: God, this interrogation of Echo is like watching someone trying to pop a very painful zit...
Zuko froze, eyes narrowed. She hates me, and she has every right to. But I don't care. I'll just execute her. It'll be quick and easy, and I'll never have to see her again...
BF: Perfect! It makes so much sense, and EVERYONE WINS!
His conscience sounded exasperated. Shut up, Zuko.
BF: *You* shut up, Satan!
(Satan) I’ll say what I want, mortal!
(BF) Don’t make me play Christian rock!
(Satan) Arrrgh!
He opened the door slowly, quietly, so he could see the two girls sitting on the bed. He couldn't see Echo's face...but Mei saw him first and grinned,
BF: Peeping Toms run in the family, I guess....
then turned to Echo and said, "Well?"
"I don't know how to put it into words," Echo said slowly.
BF: (Echo) ...so I’ll put it in a song.
(Mei) Ack! Don’t!
"You love him!" Mei exclaimed.
BF: (Echo, to Mei) Stop putting words in my mouth!
(Zuko, to Satan) Stop putting words into my head!
"How can I explain it?" Echo asked, shrugging.
"Just explain it."
Echo shifted on the bed and began, "I care about him. I want to help him."
a bastard?" Mei smirked past Echo at Zuko; the other girl didn't notice.
Zuko, outside the door, clenched his fists. You little brat...
"No, just...I mean, he's had a hard life, what with the whole banishing thing..."
BF: And then finding Echo, as if things couldn’t get any worse...
"Eew, please don't tell me you're one of those generous goody-two-shoes people..." Mei made a face. "It's not in your nature to want to help everyone, is it? Are you going to try to save the world or something?"
BF: Hm. This is twice Mei has compared/contrasted Echo to Mary-Sue cliches. Is the author trying to prove her character is worthwhile by pointing out, “Hey, at least she isn’t like *this*!” Because it isn’t winning *me* over.
"How should I know?"
BF: (Echo) I don’t know my ass from my elbows!
Mei looked thoughtful. "You know what? I think brother needs to find himself just as much as you need to find yourself."
BF: (Mei) Which is why we’re going to dump you in a forest to live off the land until you find your spirit-guides!
"Find myself?"
BF: (Echo) Dammit...where did I leave me? Under the couch cushions, maybe?
"You know. Become who you are."
BF: Whoa. Mei is channeling Mufasa. Spooky.
"I'm me."
BF: That is SO profound.
Mei sighed. "Forget it.
BF: (Mei) Stupid Echo...how dare she be content with just being herself!
So let me get this straight...you love him because he's weak and you want to help him? Is that it?"
BF: Zuko is only “weak” because the OCs are beating him with PMS attacks and smothering him with estrogen! The only male support he has is Iroh and...wait...where IS Iroh?
(Iroh) I left as soon as I could.
(BF) You left without Zuko?
(Iroh) Every man for himself.
(BF) Tough love.
(Iroh) No, I just couldn’t take anymore of Raeona.
Outside, Zuko gritted his teeth. Weak? Who's weak? I'm not weak. And if she thinks I'm weak, then I'm going to go in there and strangle her with my bare hands.
BF: Why wait? Act now!
"He's not weak."
BF: The proof is in the bruises!
Zuko blinked. Or not.
BF: Wait, which is it? Did he blink or not? I guess we’ll never know.
"He's strong, you like his muscles!" Mei chirped.
BF: Your smexy build damns you, Zuko.
(Zuko, distraught) So many fangirls...
"I don't mean muscle strength," Echo said, rolling her eyes.
BF: (Echo) Although that’s a definite plus...when he’s not beating me.
"Then what do you mean?"
Echo shrugged.
"You have to know what you mean."
"I don't."
BF: That’s how I feel writing English papers.
"You're confusing.
BF: (Mei) Why can’t you specify your love so I can giggle and titter over it?
But I guess I'll have to deal with it." Mei grinned. "After all, you're going to be my sister soon, aren't you?"
Echo was silent.
BF: Such a rare treat.
I'm going to regret this. I know I'm going to regret this.
BF: You are! Ditch the roses, and go get drunk!
If I'm going to regret this so much, then why am I doing it?
BF: Good question!
This doesn't mean I like her.
BF: Chocolate says “I love you”. Roses say “Sorry about beating the living crap out of you the other day”.
Zuko took a deep breath and sighed before frowning and sliding the door open, stepping inside.
BF: ...the lion’s cage.
"Sooner than you think, Mei."
BF: GAH! Don’t encourage the marriage! Go leave it to die in a ditch somewhere!
Echo whirled around, looking terrified. "Oh...shit...how long were you there?"
BF: (Echo) Did you hear my vague, ambiguous confession of love?
"The weather is great today, isn't it?" Zuko said airily.
BF: (Zuko) All thundery and pelting down hail...perfect weather to set the ambiance of the oncoming doom.
"I just got here. These are for you. I'm sorry and I'll never touch you again."
BF: (Echo, sadly) No more touching? Not even the special kind?
He shoved the bouquet at her, and she flinched, not knowing what was coming but being scared anyway.
BF: (Echo, thinking) I bet those are gag roses! He’s just waiting to squirt me in the face!
"And you're marrying me in two weeks whether you like it or not,
BF: AAAACK! What if whether *I* like it or NOT?
and don't tell anyone, because it's going to be a small wedding, because I don't want-"
BF: (Zuko) A huge gaudy wedding like Princess Diana had!
Mei glared at him. "Stop your nervous babble and let her confess her love to you."
BF: Nonononononono....
"Nervous babble? I'm not babbling, and why would I be nervous?"
"I can think of a few hundred reasons..."
BF: All of them relating to the concept of OOCness.
"MEI!"
BF: You know, I just watched “House of Flying Daggers” again, and it’s main female character is named Mei too! The Mei in that movie is so cool...what happened with *this* Mei?
"Oh..." Echo stared at the flowers, sniffed them, and smiled somewhat suspiciously. "Thanks..."
BF: (Echo) These roses smell strange...(falls over unconscious)
(Zuko) Sweet, it worked! Now, let’s kill her in her sleep and get rid of the body!
"You're welcome." Zuko headed for the door, then turned around. "And just because I'm being forced to marry you
BF: Why? Why is he forced? He’s the Fire Lord! One of the most, if not THE most, powerful people in the world! Who’s forcing him, I’d like to know?
(Arekisu) *Ahem*...
(BF) Oh. Right. Damn.
doesn't mean I have to love you, even like you. I still hate your guts. Is that clear?"
BF: Because marriages that could shape the future of the most powerful nation in the world should be built of distrust and loathing! Kinda like Clinton and Hilary!
Echo nodded slowly. "Right. Just...just..."
"Don't touch you again?"
Another nod.
BF: Bobble-head Echo. Fun for everyone!
"You have my word. I won't." Zuko looked somewhat satisfied
BF: And I looked somewhat sick
as he slid the door shut and left.
Mei just grinned. "He totally likes you."
BF: That’s totally bullshit.
"He does not. He beat the crap out of me.
BF: Although I do have an intense distaste for Echo, at least she realizes a bad relationship when she sees one...If only she’d DO something about it and leave.
I hope he doesn't expect me to just forgive him for that." Echo smiled stupidly as she sniffed the flowers again.
BF: She forgives him. Geez, what a pushover.
"You heard him, he hates me."
"You're stupid!" Mei said, rolling her eyes.
BF: (Mei) You can CHANGE him once you’re married!
"You just were saying the other day about how you forgave him!"
BF: That doesn’t erase Zuko’s hate, Mei.
"I have conflicting feelings, what do you want?" Echo put the flowers down. "Does he seriously want to push everyone away? If so, I pity him."
BF: No, just you, Echo. JUST YOU. *sigh* I feel like I’m repeating myself here.
"He didn't sound so sure that time. He's starting to doubt himself, didn't you notice?
BF: (puts head in hands) Why the hell is Zuko even in this fic at all? I mean, everyone else is deciding/thinking/doing things for him already, why do we even need him? For sex? Or are Echo and Mei going to dictate how he’s going to do that, too?
You two have serious communication issues," Mei said, shaking her head. Suddenly, the same perverted grin crossed her face. "Really bad communication issues."
BF: Wait...where is the perversion in communication? Nevermind. I don’t want to know.
Echo snapped out of her wistful daze
BF: Wistful? Oh no, teh angst! How will they ever get together when Zuko continually refuses all her advances? Oh, woe is me!
and glared at her sister-to-be. "I know what you're thinking. Don't you dare say it."
Mei just kept grinning. "Oh, I won't...this time."
"Are you ready to become Queen of the Fire Nation?"
BF: More importantly, is the Fire Nation ready to have her as queen?
Echo swallowed heavily
BF: From her whiskey bottle!
(Echo) Booze makes the wedding go faster!
and nodded. "I...I guess I am...I mean..." She sighed. "I'm sorry, am I supposed to be excited?"
BF: (Echo) My palms...should they be sweating?
"Well, it is your wedding day,"
BF: Better known as the Apocalypse.
(Four Horsemen) I wonder if they’ll be playing any good songs during the reception...
Raeona said slowly, putting roses, the finishing touch, in the younger girl's hair.
BF:(Rae) If we cover her completely in flowers, maybe Zuko won’t notice how hideous a girl Echo is...
(BF) BTW...Raeona is a girl? I thought she was an elderly lady.
"And you are in love with him," Mei, naturally,
BF: (snidely) Naturally. Because Mei serves no other purpose in this fic than to continually affirm the “love” between Zuko and Echo.
added, fanning her face dramatically with the elaborate fan that matched her dress. "He makes you all warm and tingly inside!"
BF: Inside that *special* place... (gets hit with flying brick)
Raeona rolled her eyes as she finished Echo's hair, stepped in front of her and admired her handiwork.
BF: (Rae) Well, I wasn’t able to turn this sow’s ear into a silk purse, but at least I made her look like a cheap vinyl one.
"There were so many double meanings behind that phrase that I'm more than a little creeped out," Echo said, making a face and hugging herself.
BF: Don’t lie, we know you so love the innuendo.
"I get to be Zuko's queen. And he still hates me."
BF: If only we could scratch that first part, all would be right in the world.
"Would ya rather be living on the streets?" Mei grumbled.
BF: (Mei) Living off used chewing gum?
"You're not his queen, dear," Raeona said, frowning and taking Echo by the shoulders.
BF: (Rae) You’re just a cheap ho!
"He may treat you as a slave, or as a servant, but maybe someday he will finally acknowledge you as the Queen, with all the power and authority he has.
BF: That’ll be right around the time pigs fly and hell freezes over.
It's going to be tough, but you must never, ever give up hope.
BF: Time to cue a highfive!
Through all your trials, just remember this, dear; you belong to yourself, and nobody else. You don't have to listen to a word he says after today. Or ever, for that matter."
BF: (Zuko) Echo, watch out, you’re about to walk into a bear-trap!
(Echo, snobbily) I’m not listening—AHHHHHHHHH! OHMYGODHELPME!
(Zuko) Hehe.
Echo smiled. "Thanks, Aunt Rae."
"That was the most cheesy thing I've ever heard in my life," Mei drawled, ever the one to destroy happy moments.
BF: Yes, Mei does suck all the happiness and joy out of everything around her. Which is why she should be eliminated–so join the “KILL MEI NOW” club today! We’re still accepting members!
"If ya want brother to admit he loves you, just screw him."
BF: Mei logic = “Sex solves everything”.
"MEIKKA!" Slap!
BF: (singing to the tune of “Love Shack”) Glove slap! I don’t take crap! Glove slap, baby, glove slap!
The princess rubbed the back of her head, frowning.
BF: (Mei) Thinking hurts me, Auntie Rae!
"I didn't deserve that one, I was serious! He's a teenage boy,
BF: Don’t worry, members of the male sex, *I* still have faith that you can think of things *other* than sex once in a while. That’s why sports were invented.
even though he acts more mature than Uncle Iroh does most of the time..."
BF: Ummm...that’s inaccurate on SO many levels.
Echo blinked. "How do you figure that?"
BF: Good question! Let’s delve into the realm of Mei’s reasoning!
"Simple," Mei said with a shrug. "Uncle Iroh isn't serious all the time."
"But serious and mature aren't the same thing."
BF: An excellent point.
"Yeah, sure, whatever.
BF: (Mei) Screw accurate personality labels! We’re in a fanfic!
The point is, screw brother and he'll love you forever and ever! And ever!"
BF: Well, I suppose that makes sense on a certain level. If Echo is too busy having sex to talk, I guess Zuko will hate her less.
"Mei?"
"What?"
Echo stuck her tongue out. "Shut up."
BF: You know, Echo, it wouldn’t kill you to practice what you preach sometimes...
"You're just like your brother, Meikka," Raeona grumbled, massaging her temples. "You can't keep your mouth shut for more than five seconds."
BF: See, except Zuko usually has intelligent things to say, whereas Meikka...well...you know...
Mei promptly opened her mouth to say something rude, but her aunt silenced her with a glare.
BF: If looks could kill...
(Rae) I’ve been glaring at her for ten minutes, why isn’t she dead yet?
"Now, are you two ready?"
BF: For some wild and wacky fun?
"Uh..." Echo gulped again and nodded. "I'm ready."
"Me too!" Mei once again used the fan to hide her face and nose...and more specifically, her evil grin.
BF: Mei had Echo and Zuko’s honeymoon room rigged with recording devices.
"It's showtime."
BF: It’s cool when Beetlejuice says it, but not Mei.
"First of all, you've overused that line.
BF: (Mei) How ‘bout “Here’s lookin’ at you, kid” ?
(Echo) Stop with the cliches! In fact, stop talking period!
And second of all, it's not showtime." Echo gathered up her dress and headed for the door. "It's more like a showdown."
BF: (blinks) That line was both cool *and* accurate. I’m...I’m not quite sure how to respond to this...
"Don't be nervous."
BF: Death is only the beginning.
"I'm not nervous."
BF: (Zuko) I’m terrified.
"You'd deny it, because you're you." Iroh chuckled. "Everyone has jitters before they get married."
BF: (Iroh) Just ask the ‘Runaway Bride’!
(Bride) Yeah, but I made a fortune off it!
Zuko frowned at him. "I don't have the jitters, I'm not nervous, damn you!"
BF: (Zuko) Damn you all...straight to hell!
"Sure, all right," Iroh said dismissively. "When you're ready to admit it, let me know."
BF: Yeah, Zuko, stop trying to have feelings of your own! Just agree with what everyone *tells* you you’re feeling and be done with it!
He frowned as Zuko hopped up from his chair, enraged.
BF: (Zuko) OW! Who put a thumb tack in my seat?!
"And don't get in my face and start screaming at me, nephew. You're not a child anymore."
BF: Getting in people’s faces and screaming is only for children and Jerry Springer guests. And rabid shippers.
"How did you know that was what I was going to do?" Zuko asked, blinking.
BF: (Zuko, thinking) How? How is he predicting my every move? This is worse than when we play Pai Sho!
"I know you." Iroh stroked his chin thoughtfully. "Actually, disregard what I said about you being a child. You always get in everyone's faces when you're angry. Which is all the time, as a matter of fact..."
BF: Yes, nothing soothes pre-wedding jitters like a good pointing out of personal flaws...
Zuko leapt over to his uncle and snarled, "I do not get in peoples' faces!"
BF: I am getting really tired of the “Zuko VS. Everybody Else” theme of this fic...
"You're in my face, Zuko."
BF: (Iroh) By the way, you might want to consider swigging some Listerine, Prince Zuko...
"I am not."
"You're pretty damned close to being in my face. I know you almost kiss Echo every time you get in her face as well."
BF: Mei showed Iroh all her home movies!
Iroh took a big step back. "I also know you're up for incestuous love,
BF: WHAT? (Falls over)
but you, a homosexual?"
BF: *WHAT*?! (falls over again) Oh...I can’t get up...I would ordinarily go into a SERIOUS RANT on why this whole scene is so UTTERLY WRONG, but this is the wedding chapter, so I’ll save my anger. FOR NOW.
Zuko's face turned beet red. "I'm not homosexual, goddammit! And where did you get that 'incestuous love' bit?"
BF: (weeps) Godammit, Arekisu, what the HELL do you have against Zuko that you have to undermine and torment him in every scene? Why do you make all the characters treat him like he’s some *retarded* little bitch? WHY?
"The way you used to treat your sister."
"How did I used to treat her?"
BF: I bet he beat her!
"You were very protective of her when she was small. You two were very close."
BF: VERY close.
(Zuko, younger) ACK! Get her off me!
(Iroh) Don’t pull her off! The head may stay attached and bury into the skin! We’ll have to poke her with something hot in order to get her to release!
"Well, not anymore! Not since she became a horrible, perverted little brat!"
BF: Which was about two seconds out of the womb.
(Mei, just born) Whoa...so daddy sticks it in there, does he?
"So you don't love her?"
BF: Does anyone? I mean, really.
"Not the way you think I love her!"
BF: Iroh would never say/think/do that... ;_; Don’t listen to the imposter, Zuko! You REAL uncle still loves and respects you!
"Then how do you love her?"
"As a sister!"
"You just called her a horrible little brat!"
BF: So, yeah, basically as a sister.
"I called her a horrible, perverted little brat."
"She's more perverted than you are."
BF: She’s more perverted than Quagmire!
(Mei) Giggity, giggity!
"And nobody but me finds this to be the tiniest bit creepy?"
BF: EVERYbody does, man.
"Actually, I find it quite hilarious."
BF: Awwww, someone actually thinks Mei’s insane perversion is funny! ...Even if they were forced to say it...
"I find it disturbing."
BF: Proof that Zuko is still sane.
Iroh shrugged. "To each his own."
"Whatever. Get out of my room." Zuko, after pushing his uncle out, slammed the door to his room and continued getting dressed.
BF: I wonder how many Peeping Toms are watching him do this...(eyes him shamelessly)
"I think Echo is already ready," Iroh called through the door. "Your bride, a woman, takes less time to get ready to go out than you do!"
BF: (Zuko) Damn eye-makeup. The scar is so hard to work with...
His nephew's response from behind the door: "I'M NOT HOMOSEXUAL, DAMMIT!"
BF: TT_TT
Iroh chuckled again as he went down the stairs. "I'll believe that when you have a child, to prove it."
BF: I don’t think Zuko can bear children...oh god...this isn’t a male-preggo fic, is it? (Shivers) Arekisu WOULD do that...
"Don't be expecting one anytime soon!" Zuko called after him.
BF: The Postal Service takes *forever* to deliver anything.
"I know! Just wait nine months!"
BF: Add water and watch them grow!
Iroh paused at the bottom of the stairs as he heard his nephew fling his bedroom door open, once again in a howling fit of rage. "Damn. This one is going to be violent."
A roar from the top of the stairs: "UNCLE!"
Iroh ran.
BF: I need to go lie down with a cold compress on my forehead. This scene’s “wrongness” was way too much. GODDAMMIT.
"No, stupid! Hold the flowers like this!"
BF: (Mei) With your *hands*, not your *feet*!
Mei adjusted the bouquet in Echo's hands with a grumble. She then waved her fan in front of the older girl's face.
BF: (Mei) Ugh, keep that rank stench to yourself!
"Hello, Earth to Echo! This is your big day! Why are you zoning out?"
BF: Saving her energy for the honeymoon, I suppose...
Echo blinked and shook her head. "Sorry...I was looking at the harbor."
BF: Well, it IS a very nice harbor.
Mei rolled her eyes as she led Echo along the wooded path.
BF: Be wary of elves though...they don’t like trespassers in their woods...
It was a glorious day; complete with cute little chirping birds and bright-eyed fuzzy forest animals.
BF: That is not a “glorious” day. That is a Crack Disney day!
Their destination was the gazebo where Zuko and Echo were to be married;
BF: (Snorts) Complete with cheesy wicker furniture!
it was, unusual as it sounds, going to be a small wedding.
BF: The small wedding part isn’t so unusual, actually. It’s the gazebo-in-the-cute-furry-critter-inhabited-forest part that I find strange. This is probably the LAST place I’d imagine Zuko getting hitched...short of Rainbow Valley.
As Mei practically dragged Echo through the woods, she could see, between the trees, the glistening blue waters of Aki Anen harbor.
BF: If she made a break for the waters, Echo could catch a boat and sail far, far away from this fic...
And that serene sight pierced through her growing sense of dread like sunlight through a break in the clouds.
BF: (BARF)
She suddenly felt calmer than she did before; the knot in her stomach loosened significantly as
BF: She relieved herself on the spot.
(Mei) Ewwww....what’s that smell?
(Echo) AHH! Someone put shit in my wedding dress! (Runs off)
they made their way through the woods, Raeona a few feet in front of them.
BF: (Rae) Damn, I can still smell her.
Mei saw the end of the path first; she scrambled ahead and leapt into the sunlight, spreading her arms wide.
BF: (Mei) Jesus! Take me now!
"Ladies, I give you: Aki Anen beach, harbor, and occasionally...A GREAT HONEYMOON SPOT! Cough cough!
BF: Be sure to visit the gift shop before you leave!
Located in scenic...eh...however you pronounce the name of the capital!"
BF: Guess the author was too tired to think of a name for the capital.
Raeona snorted as she came
BF: That’s an unusual way to have an orgasm.
out of the woods next. "I've been coming to this beach since before either of you were born, Meikka."
BF: Yeah, cuz’ Rae is an old hag.
As they made their way along the beach, Echo was the last one to exit the forest.
BF: She was reluctant to leave the shelter of the trees.
Mei and Raeona obviously had been to this beach many times before.
BF: They knew all the good “sniffing spots”.
She looked down at her feet to see that they were covered in white sand. Blinking, she looked up and across the water, awestruck. To her right was a lovely beach, the waters shimmering, and as a wave crashed upon the shore she soon found her feet engulfed in the foam.
BF: Ohhh, CRAP, this is a *beach* wedding. Just when I thought things couldn’t get any more cliche. Tell me, will the newlyweds be riding off into the sunset on horseback after the ceremony?
To her left was the palace, and the harbor; ships of every kind were docked,
BF: Mostly the tabloids, trying to get a scoop on the wedding.
and she saw Zuko's warship, the one she'd arrived on, at the most extravagant dock. In the back of her mind, she saw the two of them weeks ago walking down the ramp, arms reluctantly linked, to be greeted by a cheering
BF: *jeering*
crowd, jammed into the harbor and nearby marketplace. She had her back turned on the palace grounds, and the woods and orchards and gardens that enclosed it. And in front of her, spreading for miles upon miles, was the ocean.
BF: Dive in and make a swim for it, Echo! Don’t worry about the sharks...*coughcough*
Echo's head spun.
BF: Too much liquor at the bachelorette party last night, I guess.
The scenery here was beautiful; this was one of those times she wondered how in the hell she'd arrived at this point in her life. Never in a million years would she have dreamed that she'd end up here.
BF: (dryly) Neither did we.
And now, on top of all of this, she was about to be made a queen.
BF: (with dead-sounding voice) Funny, ain’t it?
"Echo, you buttmunch!"
BF: Buttmunch. *Buttmunch*? However accurate this terminology for Echo is, let’s keep this sort of language where it belongs—in junior high.
Mei called shrilly across the beach. "Hurry up, will ya? And the bottom of your dress is all wet!"
BF: Whoops. Looks like Echo’s relieved herself again.
"Oh no, no!" Echo groaned as she hopped backward away from the water, reached down, and wrung out the bottom of her fancy wedding dress.
BF: Whatever. You only wear the dress once, no biggie.
Mei hopped over to her and grabbed her by the arm, motioning to a fancy decorated gazebo in the distance.
BF: Fancy decorated = cheap paper streamers and a posterboard saying “Have a Semi-happy Marriage!”
"Come on, come on, hurry up, slowpoke!"
BF: Said the hare to the tortoise.
Echo took a deep breath as she followed Mei. "Here goes nothing..."
BF: Ohhh, I don’t think I can stomach the upcoming wedding scene alone...
(Bumi) Need some help, kiddo?
(BF) EEK! King Bumi! (Bows) What brings you here, your majesty?
(Bumi) I heard the screams and came to investigate.
(BF) Was I that loud?
(Bumi) Oh no. Not you—Prince Zuko!
(BF) Ahh, yes. He’s about to get hitched, you know.
(Bumi) Oh, really? Good for him!
(BF) To an OC named “Echo”.
(Bumi) *wince*...Oooh...bad for him!
(BF) So...you’re actually willing to help me MiST this scene? I’d be eternally grateful. It would be so much easier with *your* help!
(Bumi) Why, I’d be HAPPY to. Crashing weddings is good fun!
"Where in the hell are they?"
Bumi: Check the commode! You can always find somebody there!
"Patience, Zuko," Iroh said calmly. "They'll be here. Mei probably got distracted by something or other."
BF: Mei likes shiny things.
Bumi: Hmm...sounds like me when I was younger...
"A falling leaf could distract that little twit," Zuko said out of the corner of his mouth. "A falling leaf, a tree, a pile of leaves..."
Bumi: Mei must like nature.
BF: Well, erm, certain aspects of it...
"And there are many of those around here," Iroh said airily, "it being spring..."
"Are you mocking me?"
"Of course."
Bumi: Is he able to do that? I mean, Zuko IS the Fire Lord now...
BF: Ordinarily, no. But this fic is OOC to the max.
Bumi: Hrm.
Zuko narrowed his eyes, pissed off, causing a fire to spring to life on the gazebo's railing.
Bumi: This wedding’s on fire!
BF: Save those jokes. It’s only going to get worse.
Iroh quickly smothered it with his hand...and yet, there was still a big brown burn mark on the wood.
BF: Quick, cover it with some paper decorations!
"Damn you." Zuko folded his arms, sulking.
BF: I like how everyone is so mature in this fic.
Bumi: Well, the gazebo is rather tacky, I can see why Zuko wanted it to burn.
The minister folded his book and sighed, sounding bored.
Bumi: I know I am.
"Sir, with all due respect...don't. The last thing I need is to have to explain to my boss why this place got burned down."
Bumi: Insurance ain’t what it used to be.
Zuko blinked. "But isn't your boss God?"
"God doesn't pay me," the minister said with a snort. "You do."
BF: You know, Simoniacs go straight to the Eighth Circle of hell.
"But why would I get mad if I burned down the gazebo?" A sinister smile crossed the king's face as he lit a fire in his palm.
Bumi: (dryly) Sounds a bit like his old man...
Iroh grabbed Zuko's hand and closed it.
BF: HAY IROH WHY R U HOLDING ZUKO’S HAND HOMG R U A HOMOSEXUAL???!!1oneone
Bumi: What was that all about?
BF: Don’t ask...
"Maturity, please?"
Bumi: Yes, there seems to be bit of a shortage of that.
"Fine." Zuko yanked his hand away and resumed sulking.
BF: So much for heeding Iroh’s request!
A shrill voice interrupted him: "Your bride is here!"
Bumi: (singing quietly) Here comes the bride, big, fat, and wide...
Zuko turned around to see Mei trotting up the gazebo steps. "Just great."
Bumi: Not good?
BF: You haven’t seen Mei yet, have you?
Bumi: No. MEI I see her, then?
BF: (chuckles)
“Don't sound so excited." Mei threw a handful of rose petals from her basket at him, then smiled sweetly and began skipping in a circle around him, throwing the petals here and there. "Such a wonderful day it is for a wedding, don't you agree, brother?"
BF: I’m trying to see Zuko sitting though this scene, but I can’t!
"No."
"Why not? It really is a beautiful day!"
Bumi: It IS a rather nice day out. Let’s skip the fic and go build sand castles on the beach. I can use my earthbending!
BF: Sorry, your majesty, but we’re on a mission.
Bumi: Rats.
Zuko pursed his lips. "Right. It's lovely."
Raeona was next up the stairs. "You know, now that I think about it, maybe Zuko isn't ready to get married. He still acts like a child."
Bumi: (whispering) Are you sure this is *Prince* Zuko they’re talking about?
BF: The fic version of him, anyway.
Unintentionally confirming this, Zuko stuck his tongue out at her and folded his arms.
BF: (shakes head) *sigh*...
"OUCH!"
BF: King Bumi, are you okay?
Bumi: Ow. Stubbed my toe.
The people in the gazebo turned to look as Echo tried to ascend the stairs, before grumbling, kicking her expensive, uncomfortable sandals onto the sand, and continuing her way up onto the gazebo.
Bumi: This wedding has class *and* refinement!
BF: Were you being sarcastic?
Bumi: I do more than just puns, sweetie.
Zuko turned away from her. The last thing he had in mind to do was stare.
BF: She was too fugly for any prolonged staring.
"You look...nice. How long did it take to get yourself clean? A couple of hours, at the least?
BF: Barnacles take a long time to scrape off.
And what did you do to that dress, did you fall through a puddle?"
Bumi: At least she didn’t fall through the looking glass!
Echo glared at him. Her dress was long, maroon, and intricately patterned, with black flames stitched into the hemming at the bottom, which was soaking wet from her previous encounter with a wave. The dress had long, baggy sleeves, yet clung to her torso in a frail attempt to accentuate the few curves she did have. But these curves were slow in coming...years of living on the streets had reduced her to a pale, gaunt corpse, and yet, since her arrival at the palace weeks ago, she'd started looking healthier as the days went on. A large, thick ribbon was tied around her stomach, with a bow in the back, and she wore a veil that was short in the front and long in the back, dragging on the ground.
Bumi and BF: (singing) Lady in red...
BF: Damn, I’m having flashbacks to the costume designs in “Rei: A New Kind of Princess”.
Her long, brown hair was tied back in a bun, which was decorated with a golden cover and ribbons that dangled halfway down her back.
BF: Wow...I haven’t seen a costume *this* convoluted since...since...well,*your* regal outfit, King Bumi.
Bumi: Yes, but my clothes are *fashionable*!
BF: Um...sure.
Echo shifted and pushed a stray strand of hair behind her ear, then clutched the bouquet of (you guessed it)
BF: Daffodils?
Bumi: Dandelions?
BF: Poison Ivy?
roses closer to herself.
BF: Haaaaa...cuz they’re RED. It’s a running theme.
Bumi: A little more like “limping”.
Mei frowned, grabbed the bouquet, and made her hold it the right way. "Stop it, stop it, you're going to smother those flowers!"
Bumi: Flowers need air too!
"So?" Zuko snorted, unfolding his arms and refolding them behind his back. He was dressed in decorative armor (without a helmet) that had belonged to his father before him, complete with the Fire Nation's colors and insignia engraved in it.
Bumi: Why weren’t we given a description of Prince Zuko’s armor in excruciating detail?
BF: Because by this point, Zuko had been reduced to a mere fashion accessory of the OC.
And Echo, on the other hand, had been forced by Raeona to wear the same dress that Zuko's mother had worn on the day of her marriage to his father.
BF: Too bad Echo had to ruin it FOREVER by stepping in the ocean.
"It's been sitting in my trunk for ages," Raeona had told her earlier, with a sad smile. "My sister wore it on her wedding day, the day she became queen. It would only be fitting for you to wear it on your special day as well."
BF: What a shame to see such a classy lady’s dress on some OC.
Zuko, of course, knew nothing of this, and continued to look indifferent until Mei whacked him in the back with her basket. Then, he just looked pissed.
BF: I’ve seen Vegas weddings pulled off with more dignity.
Bumi: Is this a wedding or a slapstick comedy hour?
Iroh's eyes widened as he observed the dress, and shot a questioning look to Raeona, who gave him the same, sad smile that she'd given Echo earlier that day. "Doesn't she look lovely?"
Bumi and BF: NO.
"Indeed." Iroh elbowed Zuko hard in the ribs. "Don't you agree?"
Zuko jumped a few feet, then set to the excruciating task of trying to rub his back and his ribs at the same time.
Bumi: It’s kind of like rubbing your tummy and patting your head.
BF: Can you do that?
Bumi: Sure can! (Does so)
BF: (impressed) Wow!
"Yeah, all right. And in case anyone hadn't noticed, it's the day of my wedding, not my death!
BF: They’re synonymous, actually.
Stop hitting me, or I'll have you executed!"
Bumi: The girls rather like hitting on him, don’t they?
BF: You have NO idea.
Mei smirked as she whacked him in the ankle with her basket, and Zuko grabbed his foot and hopped up and down, groaning. "Little bitch!"
BF: There she goes again, humiliating and bastardizing Zuko...
Bumi: Who? Mei or the author?
BF: (grimly) Both.
Echo snickered and used the flowers to hide her face.
BF: Thus increasing her attractiveness.
"You just swore in front of a man of God!" Mei said, mocking incredulity as she turned to the minister. "Send him to Hell!"
Bumi: If anyone needs to go to hell...
BF: It’s all the OCs running around...
"Not today, little princess," the old man said with a laugh.
Mei appeared disheartened. "Aww man..."
BF: Hey, your majesty, we have a “KILL MEI NOW” club. Would you like to join?
Bumi: What do I get?
BF: A little card and three promised axe-whacks to her corpse.
Bumi: Sounds good. Sign me up!
BF: Yay!
Iroh tugged Raeona aside and whispered, "She's wearing your sister's dress?"
"Ataka would have wanted her to."
BF: Ataka?
Bumi: God bless you.
BF: Um...thanks...
"But suppose-"
BF: But suppose Lance is gay? What happens to the Backstreet Boys then?
"I know what you think," Raeona whispered back.
BF: (Iroh, thinking distractedly) Oh Mickey, you’re so fine, you’re so fine you blow my mind! Hey Mickey! Hey, hey! Hey Mickey!
"You think that the same fate will befall on Echo, that what happened to Ataka
BF: *Ataka*?!
Bumi: Gesundheit!
will happen to her. But don't worry, dear. It's just a dress. And you have to admit that Zuko is impressed."
BF: (Zuko, to Echo) Nice dress. Too bad your ugly makes it look bad.
Iroh nodded slowly, suddenly looking amused. "He's trying his damndest to hide it, too."
BF: Uh-oh. He’s got a boner.
(Zuko) They never go away when you *want* them to!
"Stop whispering, you two," Mei said indignantly, "and let's get on with the wedding! It's almost sunset!"
"It's only noon, Meikka," Raeona said, rolling her eyes.
Bumi: Someone needs to get that child a sundial.
"But you're right. We'd better get started."
Echo stepped up next to Zuko and observed him, trying to read his facial expression. However, she didn't have much luck...as always, the king's features were set in stone, lips pursed, amber eyes narrowed.
BF: Heeeey, *this* looks like the Zuko we know and love!
And, not for the first time, she found herself wondering what was going on in his head.
Bumi: Visions of sugarplum fairies?
BF: Echo’s untimely demise?
The minister opened his book and began reading,
BF: (Minister) D–do yeeew...ta...take...thiiis....maaan
(Echo, patiently) Sound it out...that’s it!
droning on in a monotone for what seemed like hours.
Bumi: Reminds me of my court council...
About ten minutes after he'd started, Mei was already getting fidgety.
BF: It took that long?
The girl set to picking up random flower petals on the ground, ripping them apart and throwing them over the railing of the gazebo, then watching with wide brown eyes as they floated off into the breeze to come to rest on the bubbling blue ocean.
BF: At least *pretend* to listen, Mei!
Bumi: It’s what I do!
Today is supposed to be a happy day, Mei thought to herself as she tore up another petal. And I'm happy, I really am. But I can't help thinking about my dream.
BF: (Mei) The one where I totally rock out loud as queen!
She frowned, and her expression came to mirror her older brother's.
Bumi: Disgruntled?
I've felt like this lately. Like something terrible is going to happen, awhile from now. Nothing gold can ever stay...happiness is just a phase. A phase that fades away. And one day, Zuko and Echo are going to be happy, but I know it won't last. It'll fade, just like Mommy and Daddy.
BF: Emo alert!!! Damn, get this kid some prozac!
I miss them...
BF: (Mei, sadly) Scooby and the gang...
Mei shook herself. I'm being such a pessimist lately! She noticed Iroh looking at her worriedly, and she forced a smile and whispered, "What?"
"You looked distracted for a moment there,"
BF: Ahhh, she’s always like that.
the older man whispered back. "Are you sure you're all right?"
The princess nodded, keeping a cheesy smile on her face.
Bumi: Cheddar or Swiss?
Iroh didn't look quite convinced, yet he went back to paying attention to the minister, who was just about finished talking.
Get on with it, Zuko thought irritably. The sooner we get this over with...
BF: (Zuko) The sooner I can commit suicide.
On second thought, keep talking.
Bumi: Trying to prolong the inevitable, eh?
BF: What’s tragically funny about this is that he’s Fire Lord, and can stop this at any time...(looks over and sees Arekisu in rocking chair with shotgun on lap) Or...maybe not.
"Do you, Your Highness,
Bumi: (alarmed) Who, me?
BF: No, no, you’re safe. You’re too old for fangirls to go after.
Bumi: (hurt) I’m still quite spry...
BF: You WANT OC’s like this coming for you?
Bumi: Eh...good point.
take this
Whomever: (priest) horribly done, cliche, bitchy Mary Sue OC
Bumi: Who’s this?
BF: Another fan of yours. Don’t worry, she don’t bite.
Bumi: She seems to be biting this fic...
BF: Yeah, well, she’s seen a lot...*shudder*.
girl to be your lawfully
Bumi: *awfully*
wedded wife..."
I don't want her...
BF: (crying) Ahhhhh, it’s Zuko’s Last Stand!
"...To hold and to cherish..."
I don't need her...
BF: Don’t do it, Zuko!
"...And to love, as long as you both shall live?"
BF: *GAG*!
Zuko's face, as usual, was a mask of indifference, void of expression. "I do."
BF: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!111oneonecrycry
Bumi: If you need a shoulder to cry on, I’m here...
BF: (sniffling) Thank you...
"And do you, child, take the King to be your lawfully wedded husband, to hold and to cherish, and to love, as long as you both shall live?"
BF: (cocks guns) Say it, I dare you!
Despite what Echo might say, the people watching her in the gazebo could tell you that her lips were curving into a shy smile. "I do."
BF: (starts shooting, but has guns knocked from hands by Bumi’s earthbending)
Bumi: Now, killing people isn’t the answer. You don’t want to end up like Jet, do you?
BF: (cries) I miss Jet! I miss Avatar characters! Why must there be so much OC?
Bumi: (pats head) There, there.
The minister smiled as well. "With all the power vested in me,
BF: (priest) given to me by Satan
I now pronounce you husband and wife. My Lord, you may kiss your bride."
BF: (is beside herself)
Bumi: Here, let me tell you a knock-knock joke to cheer you up....
And as Zuko leaned in to give her a kiss on the lips, Echo could swear that she saw a flicker of emotion flash across his face.
BF: Disgust?
But the Fire Lord, as always, was a master of disguise.
BF: Like Austin Powers!
Bumi: Or Mr. Magoo!
Mei threw her basket up, and it once again rained flower petals as the princess pumped her fists in the air. "HALLELUJAH, PRAISE THE LORD!"
BF: You have no right to praise the Lord, you minion of Hell!
Zuko turned away from his bride and gave his sister a hard slap to the back of the head.
BF: (whining) I wanna do that...
"You're ruining the moment!"
Bumi: (singing) This magic moment...
BF: I’d laugh, if it wasn’t for the sort of moment it was...
"Ha! Moment? You, caring about a moment?" Mei snorted. "Like you care! All you want is to get up her dress!"
Bumi: @_@ Is she...?
BF: Yup. All the time.
SLAP!
Bumi: I do enjoy a good slapstick comedy...but really, can’t they add some variety?
Echo whapped Mei on the top of her head with her bouquet. "Seriously, Mei! Stop it!"
BF: (Echo) Bad Mei! Go lay down!
The princess moaned. "Oh, this is just great, I'm going to get a migraine now..."
BF: She ought to be suffering severe brain damage by now...
Bumi: Don’t you mean ‘drain bamage’?
BF: (laughs) Oh, yeah. Right!
"Serves you right," Zuko said with a snort.
The minister gave the party an odd look before sidestepping to the stairs and exiting the gazebo, muttering something about how screwed-up the Royal Brats were.
BF: Nah, just the author’s writing.
Zuko and Mei, after all, had been nicknamed the "Royal Brats" soon after demonstrating behavior that was...well...
BF: Out of character?
bratty,
BF: OUT OF CHARACTER? Well, for Zuko, anyway.
such as throwing howling fits of rage, Zuko's being more prevalent than Mei's.
Bumi: He’s got a temper shorter than Aang’s attention span!
BF: Oooh!
Mei was grinning. "So, let's go party!"
BF: (Mei) I can’t wait to see Zuko and Echo’s face when the strippers pop out of their cake!
"Party?" Zuko blinked. "What party?"
Bumi: Looks like Zuko’s a little behind...
BF: That’s how he’s been all fic...
"The one that Uncle Iroh and Auntie Rae planned, of course! A wedding reception! BOOZE ALL AROUND!"
BF: Zuko needs the liquor to drown out his sorrow.
"You're too young to drink, Meikka," Raeona said harshly, grabbing her niece by the ear.
Bumi: Ha! No such thing!
Iroh first noticed that Zuko was twitching with rage as he stared off at the ocean.
BF: Oceans make Zuko angry.
"Uh, Rae? Let's get out of here...now..."
And as their nephew's scorching gaze turned to them, this time, Iroh and Raeona both ran for cover.
Bumi: Well, glad that’s over. What a terrible wedding.
BF: Thanks for your help. You made it MiSTing this fic bearable. Now I only have 17 more chapters to go.
Bumi: You...what? This thing is THIRTY chapters long?
BF: (glumly) Yup.
Bumi: Ouch. And I thought Aang’s task was difficult. Well, best of luck to you! I’m off to Omashu!
BF: (smiling) Farewell!
Bumi: So long! And remember, when MiSTing–do it like a mad genius!
BF: (tearfully) I will!
Zuko slid the door to his bedroom shut, cursing under his breath. There was a party raging downstairs,
BF: (Mei, singing on top of lungs) I’mmmm comin’ home, so you better get this party started!
on the extensively huge ground level of the palace. He could hear the people laughing and shouting, dancing and stomping their feet to the rhythm of the drums.
BF: It’s “My Big, Fat, Fire Nation Wedding”!
But the king, as you already may have guessed, was not much of a party person.
BF: I dunno. Zuko’s gotten so OOC, it’s hard to tell sometimes.
As he walked across the room and flopped down on his bed, he was greeted with a startling, "ReeeeEEEEWR!"
BF: That’s one retarded-sounding whoopee-cushion.
"DAMN!" Zuko hopped up from the bed as a sleek black cat jumped off, hissing at him.
BF: Crossing a black cat’s path is bad luck, but sitting on one is even worse!
Zuko made a face at the cat. "Damned thing! Mei should keep her goddamned cats in her own goddamned room! DAMMIT!"
BF: (Zuko) Dammity damn damn dammit!
(BF) Zuko really needs to expand his vocabulary.
Kino
BF: Felix?
the cat hissed at him again, baring his fangs and widening his large, amber eyes.
BF: Sounds like Zuko, before he got fixed.
Echo chose that moment to enter the room, blinking.
BF: Blinking? Doesn’t she have any other, more grandiose ways of entrance?
"Hell, that cat looks a lot like you."
BF: Ew. I’m channeling Echo again. Gross.
Zuko and Kino both turned their heads. Kino hissed.
BF: (Kino) But I’m more cuddly!
Not surprisingly, Zuko hissed as well: "I'm not ugly and furry!"
BF: Noooo, Zuko is quite hairless. And attractive. Which is what damned him into becoming the fancy of Echo and countless other OCs...
"I'll give you that, but I can still see the resemblance," Echo responded, smirking.
BF: (Echo) You both spend a lot of time licking your crotches, for one.
Zuko turned back to the feline, raised his hands, curled his fingers into claws, and hissed. Kino, with a last aggravated growl, turned and left. The king looked smug. "Zuko, 1; psychotic feline, NOTHING!"
BF: If anyone was being psychotic, Zuko...
"But still, I can see the resemblance," Echo repeated slowly.
BF: Thank you, Echo, for needlessly repeating yourself.
"Can you?" Zuko dropped out of his victorious stance and glowered at her.
BF: I’m sensing some “Cat-scratch Fever”!
Echo took a step back and nodded. "Yeah..."
"So why are you here?"
"I'm your wife, I can come into our room whenever I damn well please!" Echo thrust her fist out at him,
BF: Which Zuko easily blocked.
the diamonds in her wedding band reflecting the candlelight.
BF: The ol’ ball n’ chain.
Zuko scowled. "That means nothing. Go back down to the party and leave me alone." After looking behind him at the bed, paranoid, to make sure that the freakish black cat was gone,
BF: Doesn’t want to have another cat-fight, does he?
Zuko once again flopped down, closing his eyes.
Echo, however,
BF: unable to grant him a moment’s peace
crossed the room and sat down beside him. "Does it hurt?"
"Does what hurt?"
BF: (Echo) Being married to me?
(Zuko) HELL YES, WOMAN! It stings like a BITCH!
"That scar."
BF: I guess now that they’re married, Echo thinks she has the right to pick at old wounds and prod painful pasts. Typical woman.
"Why?" Zuko sat up, flashing her a greater scowl. "Why do you want to know?"
BF: (Echo) We’re married! We should know everything about each other, and always think about each other, and do everything together–you know, “When two become *one*”!
"Stop looking at me like that..." Echo's bottom lip trembled, and she bit down hard on it so he wouldn't see. She winced, accidentally drawing blood. "OWWW!"
BF: OH, THE DRAMA!
Zuko cocked his head the slightest bit, studying her. "What's your problem?"
BF: Mebbe she didn’t take her pills?
"Nothing!" Echo shook her head, then wiped her lip, which was still bleeding. She sighed. "Great..."
BF: Oh god...Zuko’s not going to kiss/lick the stuff off, is he? Because that is a thought too stomach churning to bear.
"You bit your lip?"
"Yes."
"On purpose?"
"No."
BF: Yeah you did, Drama Queen.
Wipe, wipe, wipe.
BF: With Mr. Clean, you only have to wipe *once*, and the mess is gone! It takes off even the toughest gunk!
Zuko reached over and wiped some of the blood off with his thumb. "You did a number on yourself, dumbass. Aunt Rae will have something for that."
BF: (Rae) *sigh*...all this lip-biting. I’m going to run out of chapstick before long!
Echo stared at him. "You have some serious mood swings."
BF: Takes one to know one, Madam PMS.
"I do?"
BF: The same damning words which imprisoned him to this marriage.
"Yeah." Echo nodded. "A second ago, you were ready to kill me. And now, you're looking at me like...like...like..."
BF: Like he *really* wants to kill you?
"Like what?"
Like I'm your prey,
BF: Pretty much exactly as I said.
Echo resisted the urge to say. But instead, she continued stuttering, "Like...you..."
BF: Need a moment? Chew it over with Twix!
A small gasp escaped her lips as he leaned over and kissed her.
BF: A huge barf escaped her lips as Booter read the sentence above.
Seconds later, he was pinning her to the bed, kissing her fiercely.
BF: AHHHH! IT’S GETTING WORSE! Someone get the hose!
And Echo, above all things, found herself kissing him back.
BF: Above all things? What are these things? No, wait, I don’t want to know!
"Hey, you guys! Everyone wants to know where you-OH HOLY SHIT!" Mei slid the door closed and moaned. "I've been scarred, I've been scarred! Scarred for life!"
BF: Whatever, Mei! We so know you loved it!
She paced back and forth, ripping the buns out of her hair.
BF: Um. Maybe they’re just clip-on buns?
"They seriously went and did it! I mean...are doing it! Oh man, I'm ruined! RUINED!
BF: (Mei) I forgot to turn on the camcorder!
They actually listened to me! Either that or they were feeling lust…ful…if that‘s even a word.
BF: (Zuko) I was drunk! I didn’t know what I was doing!
It's a really good thing I can't hear them over the noise of the party.
BF: They’re doing it to the rhythm of the boom-boom music...OMG, just like in Matrix Reloaded! Yuck!
But what do I have to look forward to now, huh? Huh?"
BF: No longer able to goad them into having sex, Mei serves no purpose in this fic. Pretty sad, really.
Mei stopped pacing and grinned. "A niece or nephew, that's what!"
BF: Ahhh... =_= Yes, Mei’s world must revolve around Zuko and Echo’s sex life. HEAVEN FORBID she should dedicate herself to something *outside* of them, like studying, training, or humanitarian causes! Because if Mei became her own person, and did her own thing, WHO would crack the perverted jokes at Echo and Zuko all the time, eh?
She blinked. "Hey, I'm talking to myself like brother always does. NEAT!"
BF: NOT “neat”. Scary.
Promptly, the princess broke into a crazy, funky victory dance.
BF: Fortunately, the author decided to spare us the details of the dance moves.
Iroh and Raeona chose that moment to ascend the stairs.
BF: Ah, this can’t be good.
"Meikka?" Raeona blinked. "What are you doing?"
BF: (Rae) Are you suffering a seizure or something?
Mei froze.
BF: (record scratching sound) Vvvvvt!
"Heh..."
"Where are Zuko and Echo?" Iroh asked, giving her an odd look. "Everyone wants to know where they are."
BF: (Everyone) How dare they try to have privacy! Get them out here this instant so we can heckle them!
As Iroh reached for the doorknob, Mei flung herself backward against the door and broke into song:
BF: (Mei) Let’s do the Time Warp again! (Rips off clothes to reveal leather corset and fishnet stockings)
(Rae) It’s just a jump to the left! (Rips off clothes to reveal matching outfit)
(Iroh) Put your hand on your hips! (Pulls up robes to reveal fishnet stockings)
(Mei and Rae) AHHHHHH! MY EYES!
"I'mmm sailing ay-way, set an open course for the virgin sea-"
BF: More of that lovable innuendo...
"Meikka, this is no time for your nonsense!" Raeona exclaimed. "Now open this door!"
BF: (Zuko) UGH! What sort of crappy songs are they playing down there?
(Echo) Guess they’re trying to clear out the reception room.
(Zuko) Damn! Glad I came up here!
"Mei!" Iroh plugged his ears. "Stop that!"
BF: (Simon) Darling, quit while your ahead. You couldn’t carry a tune in a *bucket*!
Obviously forgetting a huge chunk of the song, Mei paused, blinked, and continued, "Come sail ay-way, come sail ay-way come sail away with meee-"
BF: Sweet Jesus! The song choice is pure *shit*, but I guess it could be worse. At least Mei isn’t singing that Ranma song, like in “Rei: A New Kind of Princess”!
"MEI!"
BF: How many times have I seen that phrase in this fic?
"Come sail ay-way, come sail ay-way come SAIL AWAY WITH MEEEEEE!"
BF: AGGH! It’s like nails on a chalkboard! Nevermind how someone in Avatarland would know this song!
"Oh, forget it! I'm too old for this!" Raeona turned and ran down the stairs.
BF: Smart lady.
Mei shut up as soon as Raeona was gone. Iroh looked at her, and she gave him a stupid smile.
BF: Can she give any other sort?
Iroh's eyes widened. "Don't tell me..."
The princess nodded.
BF: Forget taking Iroh and Rae discreetly aside and telling them the newlyweds wish to be left alone...nuuuuuu, she has to break out into a craptastic musical and make everyone’s life more unpleasant.
"And I thought that boy would be a virgin until he was thirty..."
BF: The “Thirty Year Old Virgin” starring everybody’s favorite firebender, Prince Zuko!
Iroh shook his head. "Proved me wrong, he did..."
BF: (Iroh) Damn. Now I gotta shell over five bucks to Raeona.
"Even emotionless, pigheaded, meanie older brothers must get horny sometime...
BF: Dammit, that’s what brothels are for!
I mean, he doesn't love her, does he? He says it himself, though duh, he's lying." Mei shrugged, then grinned. "How's he gonna explain this one?"
BF: (Zuko) I was high, okay?!
"Denial?" Iroh shrugged as well. "We all know Echo wouldn't dare contradict him. She keeps her mouth shut."
BF: Has Iroh been paying attention to this fic at all?
"Not if she's gonna have a baby after this."
BF: Hopefully Zuko was smart enough to use condoms.
(Zuko) Don’t wanna catch a venereal disease!
"True. Oh well, niece. Let's get back to the party. There's a platter of cheese and crackers that has your name all over it."
BF: Mei spit on them earlier to ensure no one would eat them.
Iroh descended the stairs, motioning for her to follow.
BF: (Iroh, in spooky voice) Let us descend...into the dark depths belooow....
Mei, on the other hand, opened the door and peeked inside. Then, as quickly as before, she slammed it shut and clawed at her eyes. "Why, why did I have to look again? God help me!"
BF: God helps those who help themselves, pervert-girl.
"Thank God Almighty that they're in their own little world and didn't see you." Iroh grabbed his writhing niece's wrist and went downstairs. "Curiosity killed the little sister, Mei. And if curiosity doesn't kill you, Zuko certainly will."
BF: We can only pray...
"Hold on, Suki...just a little while longer..."
BF: (Suki, annoyed) It takes you forever to come!
Suki gritted her teeth and shook her head. "No, no, I'm fine!"
BF: (Suki) Just hurry and finish up, will you? I haven’t got all day!
Sokka grumbled, stopped, and adjusted her in his arms.
BF: (Sokka) Whoops...looks like I was screwing the mattress the whole time...
(Suki) You know, I *thought* something was funny...
She was very light, but he'd been carrying the feverish Suki for awhile now.
BF: (Sokka) Um, can you stop coughing and shivering already? It’s getting old.
"If you were fine, we wouldn't be here. Dad said those wounds were infected. You need some real medicine."
BF: Wow. I think Arekisu has it in for Suki...and she’s not even a SoZu fan, either!
"It's a shame that the only place to find it is here," Suki responded, her eyes fluttering shut.
BF: The Crazy Herbal Lady Aang met on the mountain wasn’t exactly liked by the other Avatar characters...
"Amen to that!" Sokka continued weaving through the crowd, grimacing. His Firebender mask was falling off...
BF: (Sokka) Stupid unreliable scotch tape!
though only a few people at the party were wearing masks, he knew that to take his off would mean certain death.
BF: (Firebender, spotting Sokka’s face) Heeeey, your skin is too dark! You’re no Firebender!
(Sokka) It’s...uh...spray-on tan! Yeah! To...uh...pick up chicks!
(Firebender, spotting Suki sprawled on Sokka’s back) Wow...that shit works!
He was bound to be recognized...especially at a party with so many people.
BF: (Firebender 1) Hey, it’s the kid who crashed our party! And stole my car keys!
(Firebender 2) BOOOO! Get ‘im!
And, with Suki sick, they were both at greater risk now than at the last Fire Nation party they'd crashed.
BF: Uggggh, why did they have to come back? Why can’t they be spared the OOC?
"I don't see that little girl anywhere," Sokka mumbled, setting Suki down in a chair near the staircase.
"What little girl?" Suki asked, trying to stay upright. Her head felt so heavy...
BF: Huh. Usually it’s Sokka who’s the fathead...
"That Mei girl, Zuko's sister. She helped you last time, didn't she?"
BF: ACK! NO! Not her!
Suki opened her eyes and nodded slowly. "Yes, but God only knows if she'll help me again."
BF: Sometimes the cure is worse than the illness, you know...
"I guess out best bet is to try to find her then, right?"
BF: Yeah! Screw finding a respectable doctor! Let’s find the little horndog instead!
"I suppose so. There's not much else we can do." Suki closed her eyes again. "I'm so tired..."
BF: (Sokka) Was I that good, baby?
(Suki) Shut up.
I know you don't think so, Suki, but you're not invincible.
BF: That title is reserved for Wonder Woman, Super Girl, and Oprah Winfrey.
This infection could kill you.
BF: Yeast infections are never pleasant.
You're half dead already.
BF: Sorta like me, after the wedding chapter.
Sokka shook himself.
BF: (Suki) EW! Sokka! You’re getting me wet!
I won't let you die.
BF: In the case of catatonics and characters trapped in bad fanfics, sometimes it’s just kinder to let them go.
"And if curiosity doesn't kill you, Zuko certainly will..."
BF: Either him or the “KILL MEI NOW” club members.
Sokka's head whipped around
BF: (Sokka) ARGH! My neck!
as he heard a familiar voice, and ducked, grabbing Suki and pressing both of them up against the wall. "Don't move, it's one of Zuko's people!"
BF: (Suki) Yes, but do your hands need to be on my breasts?
(Sokka, pressing in closer) Shh! Zuko’s people are approaching!
"Aww, but uncle! I was just
BF: Randy!
curious! There's no harm in
BF: Watching teh hawt action!
curiosity! Well...yeah, unless it does kill me..."
BF: Much like gazing upon Medusa’s face, the act of watching the equally hideous make-out session could turn you to *stone*!
Mei twisted out of her uncle's grasp. "I promise I won't go back up there, okay?"
BF: Say it with me, everyone : “YEAH, RIGHT!!!”
Iroh nodded and sighed. "Fine, fine. I'm going to go find Raeona. I hope she put more tea out on the snack table...those crackers are still waiting for you."
BF: Crackers and tea. The richest nation in the world, and all they can afford on the buffet table at their Lord’s wedding is crackers and tea? *Somebody’s* skimpin’!
"Save some for me! I'm going to people-watch."
BF: For Mei, “people-watching” means envisioning them naked and getting it on.
"Suit yourself."
As Iroh left, Mei started to walk off, until she heard a frantic whisper: "Hey, hey! Over here!"
Mei turned around. "Huh?"
BF: (Mei) Eeek! Army recruiters!
Sokka took off his mask. "Over here! Hurry!"
Scrambling over to them, Mei frowned. "You're back? You could get killed-"
BF: Or forced into the wedding reception’s mamba line!
“Suki is dying!" Sokka said, letting panic overtake him.
BF: That’s right, Sokka: Be A Man!
"I am not," Suki mumbled, leaning against him.
BF: (Suki) Grandma? Is that you?
Mei pursed her lips as she surveyed the older girl. "You need medicine. Now."
BF: (Mei) You have little X-marks where your eyes should be!
"What should we do? Where do we get it? How-"
"Shut up!" Mei seized Sokka by the shirt collar. "If we're going to save your girlfriend-"
"Fiancé," Suki interrupted drowsily.
BF: O_O I’m sorry, did we MISS something?
"Ooh, congrats!" Mei chirped, then turned her attention back to Sokka. "If we're going to save her, you're going to have to calm down. All right?"
Sokka nodded.
BF: I can’t believe Sokka is taking this crap. Since when has Sokka *ever* panicked during a tight situation? He’s usually the one who comes up with some clever plan! *coughwintersolsticeparttwonothernairtemplecough*...
"All right. Bring her upstairs and to my room. Third door on the right. Don't go any further or you'll get lost. And you can count, right?"
BF: (Sokka) You can count on me!
Sokka nodded again. "Uh, yeah, last time I checked..."
BF: ...six months ago.
"Okay then. Third door. If you go in the second door, you're going to be sorry."
"Why?"
BF: (Mei) That’s the “Grizzly Room”.
"Because my brother will kick your ass?"
"Why?"
BF: Because...it’s Zuko and you’re in his castle?
"Because he's doing his wife behind the second door, now shut up and go upstairs! Third door!"
Sokka blinked.
BF: (Sokka) Ugh...too much information...WAY too much information...
"His wife?"
BF: (Sokka) Haha, stupid bastard. (Gets elbowed by Suki) Ow!
"Yeah, he got married, and like I said, is busy behind the second door."
BF: Thank you, Mei. WE KNOW.
(Mei) Did I tell you what position–
(BF) Stop!
Mei folded her hands and said, slowly and clearly, "Now, which door are we going to go through?"
BF: Don’t patronize, Mei.
"The third one," Sokka replied, carrying Suki up the stairs. "Where will you be?"
BF: (Mei) Long gone, suckers!
"Stealing life-saving medicine from my aunt's supply."
BF: Is Raeona so wicked and evil she would deny life-saving medicine from those desperately in need of it?
"Ah. All right, then. And which door do I go through?"
BF: Door #1, Door #2, or Door #3 ?!?
Mei flashed him a look of pure venom. "The Water Tribe really can't count, can they?"
BF: They can too!
(Sokka and Katara, as small children) One igloo, two igloo, three igloo, FOUR!
"Yeah, we can, I was kidding!" Sokka said sheepishly. "I was trying to piss you off!"
BF: Sokka strikes back!
"Retard," Mei mumbled as she turned and left.
BF: Takes one to know one, sweetheart. Looks like Mei isn’t too fond of taking her own medicine, is she?
As Mei scurried off, Sokka shook his head as he went through the third door and put Suki down on the bed. "That is one weird, weird little girl."
BF: After all that pint-sized pervert said to you Sokka, you’re letting her off with just that? Shaaame.
A few minutes later, Mei came in with a bottle and some cloth. "Okay, where's the cut wound thing?"
BF: Ho! Where’s the story about how she managed to smuggle out the medicine? (Imagines the scene is like when Harry and gang snuck Polyjuice Potion materials out of Snape’s secret stash) ...Magic firecrackers. Sweet.
Sokka pointed to a deep gash on Suki's shoulder. "You mean that one?"
BF: It’s kinda hard to miss...
Mei nodded, poured some of the liquid from the bottle onto the cloth, and pressed it to Suki's wound.
Suki's eyes shot open, and she opened her mouth in a silent scream.
BF: (Suki) It burns! Oh, it *burns*!
Sokka took her hand and shot a protective look at Mei. "Why is that hurting her?"
BF: (Sokka) Should she be coughing up more blood?
"It's disinfecting," Mei explained.
BF: (Billy) The burning tells me it’s working!
"She'll feel better soon." She took the cloth away and wrapped a bandage around Suki's shoulder, then held a bottle to the other girl's lips. "And this is medicine too. My aunt concocts some pretty amazing things.
BF: Mostly poisons...to kill Mei with.
She has her own garden out back."
BF: A true believer in medicinal marijuana, I see!
Sokka nodded slowly. "So can we go now?"
BF: (Sokka) Please, I can’t stand you anymore.
"She shouldn't be moved," Mei replied. "You should keep her here. There's a million spare rooms in this place...
BF: It’s like a Motel 6!
and I know all kinds of secret passages."
BF: It’s how she’s been doing her peeping all these years.
"She's right, Sokka," Suki murmured. "Besides, Katara and Aang and your father are probably already at the North Pole by now. It would be useless to try to catch up with them."
BF: (Sokka) Craaaaaaaaap. Does this mean we have to bunk HERE?
"Them, and the other Earthbenders and Waterbenders that were with them, too," Sokka grumbled. "Like that Haru guy..."
BF: Haru? Who is Haru?
(Haru) Umm...me?
(BF) Oh! *Haru*! Sorry...it’s just been so long since I’ve seen an Avatar character, much less one that hasn’t been bastardized, I didn’t recognize who you were!
(Haru, smiling) It’s okay. No worries.
"He likes Katara," Suki said, suppressing a snicker.
BF: Hehe...
(Haru, blushing) We’re just friends!
"I'll bet Aang just loves that," Sokka said, rolling his eyes.
BF: (Haru) Aang?
(BF) Shh, shh, don’t worry about it.
Mei looked back and forth between them. "I have no idea who you're talking about...oh, for the love of God!" She stomped over to the other side of the room, and banged on the wall with her fist. "KEEP IT DOWN IN THERE, I DON'T NEED TO HEAR THAT!"
BF: Mei, you filthy, lying hypocrite. You couldn’t get them to have sex *soon enough* last chapter, and now your playing the irritated, prudent neighbor? PLEASE.
The drums started up again, instantly drowning out the noise from the room next door. Mei looked satisfied. "Ah, that's better."
BF: It’ll be better when the sex stops.
She looked at Sokka, who was staring at her with wide eyes. "What?"
BF: (Sokka) You are sick, twisted little wench!
"We want a room far, far away from this one," Sokka said, twitching. "Far, far, far away..."
BF: From YOU, Mei!
Mei scribbled down something on a sheet of paper, then handed it to him.
BF: (Mei) Ricki, don’t lose that number, you don’t wanna call nobody else...send it off in a letter to yourself...
"Here's how to get to your room. Don't ever leave it. I'll bring you food and stuff a few times a day, okay?"
BF: (Mei) Remind me to change your water dishes regularly, too.
Sokka nodded, picked Suki up, and headed for the door.
"Oh, and one more thing!" Mei grinned. "You can make all the noise you want in there. It's pretty isolated."
BF: But still not safe from Mei!
"Thanks a lot," Sokka grumbled, flushing, as he carried Suki away.
BF: (Sokka, to Suki) Is this the Fire Palace or the Love Shack?
Mei sat down on her bed, and a black streak rushed into her lap and purred. She grinned as she stroked her cat. "Well, Kino, guess what?
BF: (Mei) I’m a total pimp! (Pause) And you’re my pussy!
Things are finally, finally starting to look up. Maybe my dreams were wrong."
BF: (Mei) And the tea-leaf readings, and the fortune cookies, and...
She picked the cat up under the arms and looked at him. "But on the other hand, maybe not. What you you think I should do, Kino?"
The cat blinked at her. "Meow?"
BF: Translation: “How the hell should I know, you crazy-ass broad?”
"You're right." Mei sighed. "Thanks for the advice. I'd better get back to the party now."
"Meow!"
BF: Translation: “Go screw yourself!”
"I know, thanks."
Mei put her pet down and rushed out the door. Kino, from the bed, watched her go, before curling up on the bed.
BF: Where is Kino? The bed? Sorry, I didn’t catch it the first two times.
Ah, it was good to be a cat. Things were less complicated that way.
Mei lifted Kino into her lap as she picked at her breakfast. "You want some food, kitty-witty?"
The cat blinked his large amber eyes at her, and licked his whiskers.
BF: Translation: “I’m going to eat your FACE OFF if you don’t put me down in the next five seconds!”
"That thing shouldn't be at the table, Meikka," Raeona scolded. "You know better than that."
BF: (Rae) The only cats that should be at the table are the *cooked* ones!
"He can take brother's seat. I doubt he'll be coming down for breakfast." Mei plopped her black cat down on Zuko's chair.
BF: (Kino) Ewww...it’s still *warm*!
Raeona immediately lifted her foot and
BF: marked her territory!
nudged Kino out of the chair, grumbling. The cat landed on his feet, hissed, and scampered away. "Why don't you ever listen to me?"
BF: It’s because of all the quarters Iroh hid in her ears!
Mei frowned, reached down and ran a hand over Kino as he left the room.
BF: (Kino) Don’t touch me there.
"Why'd you make him leave, Auntie Rae? He wasn't doing anyone any harm!"
BF: That’s right! So what if he left a few presents in your shoe, Auntie Rae? Nothing to get pissy over!
"Why won't your brother be coming down for breakfast?"
BF: Why are we asking all these questions?
"He had a rough night last night. Isn't that right, uncle?" Mei smirked at Iroh, whose eyes widened as he sipped (and started choking) on his morning tea.
BF: Iroh keeps his smooth no matter what.
Raeona looked back and forth between them, eyes narrowed suspiciously. "What's going on that I don't know about?"
BF: Oh, *come on Rae*, if Mei’s smirking like that, you gotta know it has something to do with sex! Put two and two together, woman!
After deciding that Iroh could be bribed more easily than Mei, she turned to him and added, "If you tell me, I'll help the servants make roast duck tonight, dear."
BF: Oh no, not the duck!
Iroh's eyes widened more. "Well..."
No! Mei mouthed, making a slicing motion with her hand on her neck, shaking her head wildly.
BF: Wait...why exactly is it Rae must not know Zuko and Echo...had...had...*gag*...you know? Is she going to freak out? She’s more mature than that, isn’t she?
"Beheading? Slitting? Erm...oh, I know! War!" Iroh scratched his head as he looked at Mei. "You know I enjoy charades, but you're really horrible at that game."
BF: (puts head in hands) Once upon a time, kids, Iroh used to be one of the most perceptive and intelligent characters in Avatar. It saddens my heart that they had him lobotomized for this fic...
"Well then, how about this one?" Mei, exasperated, pretended to make a gun with her hand, putting the points of her first two fingers against her temple and sticking her thumb in the air.
BF: (dreamily) If only we could make that fantasy a reality.
"What were you going to tell Auntie Rae, uncle?"
Before Iroh got a chance to speak, Echo descended the stairs, fully dressed and looking ready to greet the day...which was highly unusual for her.
BF: Usually, she looked like shit until she had her morning cup of Jo.
"Good morning, everybody! Some party last night, huh?"
BF: (dryly) Well, YOU would know...
"Can I get another Amen?" Mei lowered her thumb and fell out of her chair.
BF: See now, *that’s* why you need to strap children into their seats.
"AMEN!"
Raeona got up, grabbed her niece by the shirt collar, and hoisted her upright in her chair. "Do you think you're being funny, Meikka?"
BF: She’d be about the only person...
The princess shrugged. "Give me a real gun and let's find out."
Whomever: YES! PLEASE!
BF: Took the words right out of my mouth! Ignoring the fact that GUNS DON’T EXIST in Avatarland.
WHACK!
BF: Man, there’s more onomatopoeia when Mei’s around than an entire old Batman episode!
"Enough, Meikka! Stop this foolishness!"
Mei rubbed her head, growling, as Raeona sat down again. Then she turned to Echo. "How would you know how the party went? You were upstairs,
BF: (Echo) That’s where the party WAS, man!
having an uber-extreme make-out session with brother the entire time. We commoners didn't see much of you. Not like we wanted to see as much of you as brother probably did..."
BF: (Zuko, spying Echo’s hairy chest) Oh god!
"Yeah, right. What are you talking about?" Echo took a seat at the table, looking unusually happy as she started eating her breakfast.
BF: A bowl of Total? She’s gunna *need* that fiber...
"Where's Zuko?" Raeona asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Asleep, still." Echo nonchalantly replied. "You know how he doesn't like to be woken up..."
BF: (Zuko) If I don’t wake up, I don’t have to deal with the ‘morning after’...
"Yeah," Mei said, almost conversationally. "I see what you mean. All that sex must have really worn him out.
BF: Actually, he tired himself out by trying to chew his arm off!
So, why aren't you tired?"
BF: Echo IS the energizer bunny!
Echo froze in mid-bite, her face flushing. "Wha...what do you mean by that?"
"Ya got laid last night, and we all know it," Mei responded.
BF: Well, Mei does, anyway, since she was *watching*!
"Oh, come on, Meikka," Raeona said dismissively. "That's ridicu...lous?" She eyed Echo. "It's ridiculous, isn't it, Echo?"
BF: (Rae) Married couples don’t have sex, silly!
"Um..." The girl wiped her mouth. "I...I'm going to go for a walk to the gardens."
BF: She’s making a break for it!
"Why the gardens?" Iroh asked.
"Because I can rest on a bench and look at the clouds."
BF: That’s a very...Shikamaru-ish activity...
"How cheesy!" Mei snorted.
BF: (Mei) When I want to run away from my problems, I write fanfiction!
As Echo got up from the table, Mei called after her, "Why don't you go for a walk back up the stairs, and take a rest on top of brother?
BF: Actually, that sounds like something *Mei* would like to do...
EEEEEK!" The princess ducked as a slipper was chucked at her. "Hey, not funny! That could have taken my head off!"
BF: Because nothing is more lethal to the human head than a slipper. (Spooky fingers)
Upstairs, Zuko rolled over in bed and groaned.
BF: Guess Echo WAS pretty rough with him.
Already sunrise? How long was I asleep? And why didn't Echo wake me up?
BF: (Zuko) I’m sure I set her to seven o’ clock!
Not like I'm complaining. He pulled the tangled sheets up around him and sniffed. Oh, disgusting. It smells in here...
BF: Smells like ballsweat! Charming!
On the bright side, it was a glorious morning...sunshine, twittering birds...
BF: You know, so far, I haven’t seen one non-glorious day in the Fire Nation since we *got* here!
He chucked a pillow at the window. I'd rather wake up to just about anything...
"Oh BROOOOOTHER!"
"Oh, dear God no." Zuko put a pillow over his head and pretended to snore.
BF: Zuko, I am SO feeling you right now... ;_;
Mei skipped into the room and jumped on the bed. "It smells in here!"
BF: (Mei) It smells like cum, brother!
Snore, snore, snore.
BF: (is snore, snore, snoring)
"I know you're not asleep. You snore louder than that when you're asleep."
BF: (Mei) And you have that phlegm-ish sound.
Zuko lifted up his pillow a bit and glared at her. "What do you want, Mei?"
BF: To make your life more difficult, obviously.
"To tell you that it's noon. I mean, come on! Even if you did get laid, it shouldn't be that tiring..."
"What?" Zuko sat bolt upright. "What are you talking about?"
BF: (Zuko, horrified) Did Echo take advantage of me? I *knew* I shouldn’t have accepted the strange drink from her!
Mei blinked at him. "Wow, first Echo was in denial, and now you too? But that's to be expected. And put some clothes on! Thank God for that sheet, or I'd be seeing some things I really never wanted to see..."
BF: yet have made comments incessantly about.
"GET OUT OF MY ROOM!"
BF: (dead-voiced) Oh, boy. I’ve seen *this* phrase only a freakin’ million times. (Cries) It’s like I’m reading the same damn chapter over and over again! *Sob*!
"EEEEEEK!" Mei got up and slammed the door, flames gushing out behind her. "UNCLE IROH! Tell brother that he's not allowed to kill me!"
"Zuko, don't kill your sister," Iroh called absently from downstairs.
BF: Iroh: Man of ACTION!
Zuko stuck his head out the door and gave Mei a nasty look. "When I get dressed, ohhh, you're so dead, Mei. DEAD!"
BF: You keep making these promises, Zuko, but I’ve yet to see you keep *one* of them!
Mei ran down the stairs, flailing her arms wildly. "HELP! HELP! HEEEELP!"
Seconds later, her brother was after her, and, in his howling fit of rage, had only had time to throw a pair of pants on, shooting flames left and right. "MEI!"
BF: ****! Didn’t I read this EXACT SAME SCENE just a few chapters ago?
(Arekisu) Noooo, *stupid* Zuko has *pants* on this time, not a *towel*, and look! Raeona’s getting involved! It’s different!
(BF, unmoved) Perhaps I lack the discerning skills to tell the minute differences apart.
Mei ducked behind Raeona, who was handing some breakfast dishes to the servants.
BF: Why? Why is Raeona helping the servants at all?
(Servants) Don’t worry, Lady Raeona, *we* appreciate your efforts!
(BF) I’m just saying...
"Oh, honestly, you two, can't you just grow up already?"
BF: (starts crying again) Goddammit, how many times much I repeat the phrase “That’s what I’ve been saying the whole time!” in one MiSTing?
"HE'S TRYING TO KILL ME!"
BF: (Pumba) AND HE’S TRYING TO *EAT* ME!
Zuko ran up to Raeona and shot flames at Mei, left, right, left,
BF: Left, left, left right left!
as the girl was poking her head out from behind Raeona
BF: Or was it out from Raeona’s behind? Hmmm...
every few seconds. "AUNTIE RAE!"
Iroh approached and held Zuko's fists. "Nephew! That's enough!"
"Stop it! Stop defending her!" Zuko shouted, trying to twist away. "That horrible little twit exists to cause trouble, and she knows it, too!"
BF: This is true.
Mei stepped out from behind Raeona and spit at him. "Asshole!"
BF: Wow. Mei seems to be going up several notches on the respective “Annoying O’ Meter”.
Zuko escaped Iroh's grasp and glared at the older man. "You can't tell me what to do."
BF: This is also true.
"I know I can't," Iroh replied, calmly, yet with the tiniest bit of urgency. "Now, what did Mei do to enrage you so much?"
BF: Outside of her general existence?
"She-she-ARGH!" Zuko twitched. "She's on my last nerve, uncle!"
BF: Zuko seems to be a fountain of patience. Mei got on my last nerve in about two chapters flat.
"Everyone's always on your last nerve!" Mei howled back at him. "You need to calm down!"
"How can I calm down with you yelling at me in that horrible high-pitched little voice of yours?"
BF: (Mei) We are from the Lollipop Guuuuuiiiiiild!!!
"I don't know, get laid again! I'm sure Echo will-"
BF: Aaaand here it comes.
SLAP!
BF: Jesus, it’s like a soap opera.
Whomever: Please. Somebody tell me that Zuko didn't hit his sister. Please. Even if Mei is an annoying twit, Zuko would NEVER hit a girl.
BF: I’m too dead to respond.
Mei reeled back sideways as her brother's hand came in contact with her
BF: Ass?
face.
BF: Same difference.
She staggered for a moment, then clutched her cheek where he'd slapped her. The force of the blow left her mind reeling, yet nevertheless, she glared at him, brown eyes narrowed in hate.
BF: You know what? I feel ABSOLUTELY NO PITY for Mei. NONE. Whatsoever. Mei deserves exactly what she got, that annoying so-and-so. You know who I DO feel pity for? Zuko. Yes, Zuko. On many different levels. Mostly on the OOC ones. He seems to be walking the OOC line of “not harsh enough”(letting Echo get close to him in the first place) and “too harsh” (hitting his own sister! *Real* Zuko is not a fan of excess violence–he would *never* do that...especially to a member of his family!).
Zuko took a step back, his set features loosening. He reached out a shaky hand. "Mei, I didn't mean to-"
BF: I can’t blame you, man...
"Burn in hell!" the little girl hollered. Without another word, she turned on her heel
BF: of bread
and fled.
When Zuko turned, Raeona was glaring at him, as was Iroh. "What? What do you two want from me?"
BF: Zuko stills owes them $20 from last week.
"You know Mei doesn't mean anything she says," Iroh said slowly.
BF: That doesn’t make her any less annoying.
"While, yes, she's trying to make you angry, she's also trying to help you."
BF: HOW?
"And how does trying to make me angry help me?"
Raeona sighed. "Oh, forget it."
BF: See, yeah, that’s right–Rae drops it because she has no case!
Zuko looked at them both, then shook his head. "Fine. Forget it. Where's Echo?"
BF: What, you haven’t had enough OC yet?
"In the gardens," Iroh said. "But aren't you going to eat-"
"No." Zuko turned and stalked out to the gardens, without a backward glance.
BF: (Iroh) Score! I get dibs on his meal!
Raeona looked at Iroh. "Why is it that whenever we try to stop an explosive fight, it's always the two of us still standing here in the end, looking at each other with the utmost hopelessness?"
BF: Because you never take into account Zuko’s point of view?
"Because we're adults," Iroh responded.
BF: Yeah, adults are totally clueless about “real life”!
"Now, how about that roast duck?"
BF: Iroh’s rather single-minded in his quest for a tasty lunch...
"So, how's she feeling?"
BF: (Sokka, squeezing Suki) She feels pretty good to me!
Sokka pressed another cold rag to Suki's forehead. "Her fever's gone down a lot. But she's still asleep. Is she supposed to still be asleep?"
BF: With her eyes *open*?
Mei closed the door as she entered the room, still rubbing the side of her face.
BF: (Mei) How dare brother finally lash out at me after my incessant torture of him!
"Yeah, she is. The medicine is using her energy to work.
BF: (Suki) Awww, man, this medicine has totally drained my batteries!
Now, for the final time; chill out."
"Fine," Sokka grumbled. "But you can't blame me for being worried...hey, what's that red mark on your face?"
BF: (Mei) Red mark? ACK! Acne has come for me!!
"I got slapped," Mei muttered. "There's a red mark?"
BF: Heehee, she looks like Miroku!
Sokka nodded. "No, wait, let me guess...
BF: (Sokka) You were on the Jerry Springer Show?
Zuko, right? What did you do?"
BF: OTHER than the usual...
"Made fun of him for getting laid. That stupid, overcontrolling-"
BF: (Mei, indignant) How DARE he insist I not mock his private life!
At the confused look on Sokka's face,
BF: (Sokka) *What* manner of drug is this girl *taking*?
Mei grinned and added, "But don't worry, I won't make fun of you two if you decide to do it. After all,
BF: (hopeful) She’s learned to respect other people’s moments of privacy and intimacy?
Zuko is my brother. I have every right to make fun of his grumpy, over-dramatic ass."
BF: No. No you don’t. Blood relation does not excuse rude, intrusive, and insulting behavior. Just because you’re related doesn’t mean you can treat someone like that, I don’t care *what* you say!
"Okay, I just decided I didn't want to know."
BF: You and the rest of the American public, Sokka!
"Aww, really?"
BF: (Mei) I can’t regale you with all the *thrilling* details?
Sokka nodded vigorously. "Yeah, yeah, so don't tell me anything else!"
BF: (Sokka) I can only take so much, and then I can take no more!
(Mei, pouty) That’s what my brother said just now!
Mei shrugged. "Suit yourself, then...we need some light in here!" She walked over to the windows and drew the curtains back. "Ah, that's better...and look at that view!"
BF: A brick wall? A sewage plant? Next door neighbors who enjoy dominatrix *and* open windows?
"Holy shit!" Sokka's eyes widened. Out the window, he could see almost every inch of the palace grounds;
BF: Panoramic vision? Sweet!
private ponds, the gardens, the forests, all the way up to the hills that surrounded the city on the land side.
BF: (Citizens of Capital) Land slide? Land slide?! RUN!
(Author) Chill, I said “land SIDE”.
(Citizens) Oh. It’s cool then.
"On the other side of the palace is the harbor," Mei explained. "Aki Anen harbor, and the marketplace.
BF: So, where’s Pier 39?
I would have given you a room with a view of the harbor and the beach and all that, but that's the side of the palace that most of the people live on. You would have been discovered for sure."
BF: (Firebender wife) Honey, did you see our new neighbors?
(Firebender) No, dear. And don’t start.
(Wife) But, I saw them–and they’re not from here! They’re *foreigners*!
(Firebender) Oh, will you give it a *rest*, Mary Ann? And get away from the window already!
Sokka nodded slowly. "This is...wow. You Firebenders sure know how to live, don't you?" He blinked, then scrubbed his tongue with his fingers.
BF: Scrubbing your tongue helps combat bad breath!
"Oh, gross! I didn't just give the Fire Nation a compliment!"
BF: There’s that hypocrisy again.
Mei giggled as she headed for the door. "Admit it. Not all of us are evil."
BF: (Mei) Our fine living and grand palaces should inherently prove that!
"So far, you're the only one that's not," Sokka muttered.
BF: Besides Shiyu and Iroh and Jeong Jeong and Raeona...
"And I don't even know if you're an actual Firebender, or just the princess of the group."
"It's Princess of the Fire Nation, not the group. I think the word 'group' is a bit of an understatement when you're describing an entire
BF: Brady Bunch
country." Snorting, Mei pointed at a candle on the nightstand, which instantly lit. "Does that answer your question, water boy?"
BF: (Sokka) Oooh, magic! Do it again!
Sokka just stared. "All right, you're creepy."
BF: Among other things...
"And you're dumb," Mei replied as she left, closing the door behind her.
BF: Good thing she closed it when she did, otherwise Sokka would have landed a swift kick to her ass.
When she was gone, Sokka shuddered. "This is just great. We're living in the Fire Nation palace, and Zuko's little sister is helping us, while still maintaining a certain level of creepiness.
BF: (Sokka) What could be worse than being at the mercy of Mei?
(Zuko) Being at the mercy of Mei, Echo, and a host of other characters determined to bring you down?
(Sokka) Yeah...okay...there’s that...
What's next? Aang getting over Katara?"
BF: @_@ I’m not liking the sound of this...
Echo frowned as she squinted at the book,
BF: Someone needs glasses!
the morning sun illuminating the page. "I'm under a tree, how can the sun still get through? Ugh...stupid leaves...casting shadows on the book! I can't learn how to read when half the page is light and half is in shadow!"
BF: Most people, when they learn to read, have trouble with vowels and what-not. Echo, I see, has troubles with *shadows on the paper*. Looks like someone needs the EXTREME version of Hooked on Phonics!
Cursing, she slammed the book shut.
BF: Quitters aren’t winners, Echo!
It was useless.
BF: She was dyslexic.
Someone needed to teach her to read, and fast. What would Zuko say, upon finding out that his wife was illiterate?
BF: (Zuko) Yeah, that’s pretty much what I expected.
Speak of the devil, Echo thought, as Zuko approached. Literally. She shoved the book under the garden bench she was sitting on, just as he sat down beside her.
BF: (Zuko) Did you just put something under my seat? You’re not playing a prank, are you?
(Echo, shiftily) Umm, no!
"In too much of a hurry to put a shirt on, I see."
BF: Much to Echo’s delight.
Zuko glared at her. "Look. What we did last night..."
BF: That wild game of Monopoly!
"Let me guess. It never happened."
BF: That’s what the government *wants* you to think!
"Oh no, it happened," Zuko said, rubbing the back of his neck. "It definitely happened."
BF: Why is Zuko rubbing his neck? Is that where Echo rode him? (Gets smacked for having a “Mei Moment”)
"It did? Oh...I mean, of course it did!" Echo grinned at him.
BF: Just smile and ignore the Alzheimers.
"Why aren't you denying it?"
Silence.
BF: As Zuko desperately struggles against his gag.
Echo suddenly frowned. "This isn't about last night, is it?"
"What isn't about last night?"
"Why you're so preoccupied. What are you thinking about?"
BF: (Echo) Tell me in minute detail, right down to each brain synapse!
"Like I'd tell you."
BF: That Zuko’s an inscrutable one.
Echo scooted closer to him. "Tell me."
BF: (Echo) We’re married now, so you’re not allowed to have independent or separate thoughts from me!
"No."
BF: No means no, Echo. Never force yourself upon others. Right, Zuko?
(Zuko) ...*cough*
"Tell me, or I'll tickle you!"
BF: Who does she think she’s talking to? Elmo?
Zuko snorted. "Is that your solution to all of the problems that I have? 'You're sad. Let me tickle you! You're angry. Let me tickle you!'"
"That actually was a pretty good impression of me.
BF: Yes, it was!
But at least my solution isn't always execution," Echo said bemusedly,
BF: Yes, but execution tends to get to the *point* a little quicker. Get it? Point? Sword?...oh, come on, work with me people!
"or you'd already be dead by now."
BF: (Zuko) If only...
"Oh, you'd be dead first," Zuko replied.
BF: If only... waitaminute! I’ve heard this before!
"I would have killed you long ago if that really was my solution to everything."
BF: But it is not. What I can’t understand is why he never threw her overboard while they were on his ship. *That* seems like a very Zuko-ish solution.
"It's your solution, you just never carry it out."
BF: Therefore, ‘making threats’ is his solution.
"I carry things out."
"You can never finish anything you start."
BF: Yeah, what happened with the Avatar, Zuko?
"I finished what I started last night, didn't I?"
BF: That’s not something you should be so proud of...
Echo snickered. She leaned in and gave him a peck on the lips. "Sure, if you want to think of it that way. What started out with a kiss ended with-"
BF: A crazy car chase? A ninja versus cowboy showdown? A dance number?
"Something else!" another voice piped up.
BF: It’s baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.....
Zuko and Echo turned their heads to see Mei trotting up the path, a very evil look on her face.
BF: The usual countenance.
"Am I interrupting anything important? Another make-out session, perhaps?"
BF: I’m so glad Mei’s learned her lesson about being tactful and less intrusive!
"Before you carry out whatever you plotted, I'm sorry." Zuko looked away. "I didn't mean to hit you. I lost my temper."
BF: Well, at least *somebody* around here is acting mature!
Echo's head whipped around
BF: (Echo) ARGH! My neck!
(Sokka) Ya gotta be careful doing that!
to stare at him. "You hit her?"
A nod.
"Why don't you hit another guy, for once in your life?"
BF: (Sokka) Um, hello?
Echo asked, giving him a slap on the shoulder. "Show some respect! Don't hit girls!"
BF: Why is no one slapping Mei on the shoulder and saying, “Show some respect! Don’t pester your brother until he’s forced to lash out physically to get you to stop!”
Zuko rubbed his shoulder. "Shove off!"
BF: There’s some more of that classic dialog.
Frowning, Echo got up and left. "Fine! Just don't expect me to give you any!"
BF: Punishing Zuko by withdrawing sex? Sounds like your average wife to me.
(Zuko) Except I don’t suffer from it in any way.
"Go to hell!"
"See you there, love," Echo snarled, then rounded the corner and disappeared from sight.
BF: Zuko was suddenly compelled to seek the light of Jesus.
Mei looked at Zuko, smirking. "Another job well done. Don't expect to screw her again anytime soon."
BF: (Zuko) Oh, poo.
"Do you want to get slapped again?"
BF: It warms my heart to see a total lack of reconciliation or growth after an upsetting disagreement between the two siblings. It’s like, did Zuko ever even really slap Mei in the first place?
"Not really."
BF: Wow. Mei answers my above question for me.
"Then I suggest that you run."
"I'm late for brunch, anyway!" Mei said quickly, fleeing the scene.
BF: They’re having a buffet at IHOP!
Zuko got up and stretched, tilting his head back as he did so. "Women...ugh...HEY!"
BF: What? Did Mei come back to get in one last good slap?
Kino hissed at him from up in the tree. He ground his front claws into the branch he was sitting on, right above Zuko's head. His amber eyes were narrowed into tiny slits, because of the sun.
BF: Unleash the power of the Sun! Sunny D!
"You ugly little hairball!" Zuko quickly stepped away from the bench, out from under the tree. "Damn you!"
BF: (Zuko) Stop using my head as target practice!
"HISS!"
BF: Eek! Snakes! Why’d it have to be snakes?
Zuko took another step back, shaking his fist at the cat.
BF: Oh, Arekisu, is your hate of Zuko so great you must have him bested by an OC *CAT* now?
"One day, you filthy thing, one day, I'll get you..."
BF: And your little dog, too!
Kino licked a paw triumphantly. "Meow!"
BF: Translation: “Feed me, Opener-of-Cans!”
As Zuko took a few more steps back, he turned around and picked up to a run, shaking his head. "Stupid thing..."
BF: Yeah, this fic IS pretty dumb.
Echo and Mei? He could stand them.
BF: HOW, for God’s sake?
But both of them put together didn't nearly annoy him as much as that hellish little feline did.
BF: Boy, Zuko’s got things in one helluva disproportion.
Katara grinned as she weaved the torrent of water around Haru's head. "Just say the word, and you're soaked."
BF: Katara rather liked seeing Haru in a wet T-shirt.
Laughing somewhat nervously, the boy took a step back. "What did I do to deserve this?"
BF: Oh, Haru, you’re so cute!
(Haru, blushing) Well..
"You smell!"
BF: =_= W...what?!
(Haru, hurt) I bathe quite regularly, thank you! My lustrous locks should give proof of that!
"I could use Earthbending to seriously hurt you for saying that!"
Katara giggled. "Yeah, like you'd do that..."
BF: Haru’s too much of a sweetheart to do such a thing!
Aang, watching from afar, rested his chin on his hands and moped.
BF: Aang, *moping*? Is there no end to the OOC?
"Momo, marbles please."
The lemur blinked, catching Aang's unenthusiastic tone, and hopped off Appa in search for some food.
BF: *Rude* little lemur! He’ll have to suffer no dinner for that insolence!
"Fine, go, then." Aang closed his eyes. In the three months
BF: Three months?! Um...
they'd been at the North Pole, he'd pretty much succeeded in mastering the art of Waterbending...the North Pole happened to be a wartime base to a portion of the Earth Kingdom's army (including Haru and his father, Tyro),
BF: Who now insisted on being called Mr. T!
regrouping, and also the home of the Water Tribe. This Water Tribe, unlike the one at the South Pole, actually had a few Waterbenders.
BF: (North Pole Tribe) Wow, your tribe only has *one* waterbender? You guys SUCK!
(Katara) T_T Grrrr...
Now, onto Earthbending...he just needed someone to teach him.
BF: I know! Go see Bumi! (Realizes repercussions of bringing a canon character into this fic) Um, nevermind! Ignore what I said!
The Avatar's eyes shot open.
BF: What?! Did something suddenly drastic and exciting happen?
As he watched Katara and Haru from on top of Appa's saddle,
BF: ...I don’t see anything eye-popping...
he slapped a frown on his face, making a silent vow.
BF: No more soda before bed!
No matter how badly he needed a teacher, he promised himself that Haru would not be it.
BF: First moping, then spite? Ye gods...(hugs Aang to chest) You poor thing!
(Aang) Umm...I can’t breathe?
***
Mei, on the other hand, opened the door and peeked inside. Then, as quickly as before, she slammed it shut and clawed at her eyes. "Why, why did I have to look again? God help me!"
spacyspacyspacyspacyspace.