Detours - MiSTed

Ohhh, Zuko.
You want to talk about the tragedy of his life in the series? Our Favorite Prince’s life is a frolic through Lollipop Forest compared to these next few chapters! I don’t know if he robbed and beat Arekisu while disguised as the Blue Spirit or WHAT, but this author definitely has it out for him.
Run Zuko, RUN!

Chapter Sixteen ⋯ Chapter Seventeen ⋯ Chapter Eighteen ⋯ Chapter Nineteen ⋯ Chapter Twenty

BF: Hey everybody! Woo! Little over halfway, and I'm damn exhausted. I need a drink. (Pause) I just had a fabulous idea...an idea that will help ease the MiSTing of chapter 16 and give me my required booze...

DRINKING GAME!!!

Iroh: (entering) Drinking games? I love any game that lets me drink tea!
BF: Nooooo, this is with alcohol.
Iroh: Alcohol? Isn't that a little much?
BF: This is "Detours", remember?
Iroh: Ahh...
BF: Why are you here, anyway?
Iroh: Arekisu let me out on good behavior...
BF: That's awfully nice. Anyway, let's celebrate your temporary freedom with a drinking game! Up to it?
Iroh: Of course! I used to be quite the drinker in my day...
BF: (grinning) Bet you drunk Ozai under the table.
Iroh: Naturally. Ozai never was good with liquor. Which is a shame, because he's the one who needs a good drink more than anyone else!
BF: I hear that! Okay, here's the lowdown:

Every time Mei says something stupid/perverted: 1 shot.
Every time Echo says something stupid or bitchy: 1 shot.
Every time Zuko says/does something OOC: 1 shot.
Every time Echo tries to bring up Zuko's painful past: 2 shots.
Every time Zuko gets into a "hissy-fit" with Kino-the-Cat: 2 shots.
Every time someone shouts "MEI!: 2 shots.
Every time there is gag-inducing fluff: 3 shots.
Every time there is gag-inducing fluff after Echo brings up Zuko's painful past: 4 shots.

BF: (holds up sake bottle) Dude, we're going to die of alcohol poisoning.
Iroh: What if Zuko does something IC?
BF: Like that'll happen. Well, if it does...
Iroh: We can have a nice cup of Ginseng tea?
BF: Sure. Okay, let's hit it!

Chapter Sixteen, "Midsummer's Night"

Echo groaned and pushed the pot away. "Okay, okay. I think I'm done now."

Iroh: Oh my. Did they dear girl suffer the runs?
BF: Diarrhea can really take it out of you. I just hope she covers the chamber pot...for courtesy's sake.

"Are you sure? Brother will kill you if you barf all over him."

Iroh: Yes...I believe I remember Zuko has a distaste for vomit...

Mei absently pointed a finger and lit a fire in the clay pot that Echo was vomiting into.

BF: Well...that's one way to clean things up.

Just as quickly, she made a face and put the fire out. "UGH! Charred puke!"

BF: Leave it to Mei to initiate the drinking. Ready?
Iroh: Ready. (Both take a shot)

"I'm not going to laugh, I'll just throw up again. What's wrong with me, Mei? Did I eat something bad?"

BF: (horrible realization) No...no...couldn't be. Sickness? After having sex...oh god...
Iroh: Looks as though the girl is pregnant. And after all the trouble I went through slipping drugs into her tea to ensure she wouldn't...
BF: (grabs sake bottle) I NEED A DRINK!
Iroh: (snatches it back) No. Save the liquor. You'll need it.

Mei raised an eyebrow. "How should I know? I don't keep track of what you eat.

BF: Yeah, Mei only keeps tabs on your sex life.

Did you eat something off the floor?"

BF: Should we drink?
Iroh: No. What Mei said was rude, but not entirely stupid.
BF: Yeah. We gotta pace ourselves.

Echo shook her head. "I used to eat things off the floor when I was homeless,

BF: Paper clips, chewed gum, burger wrappers. One time she found a sock!

but not anymore. Besides, the palace floors are clean enough to eat off of, anyway."

BF: (Echo) The food tastes like Lysol, though.

"That damned cat of yours eats off a plate more than you do, Mei," Zuko quipped, striding into the room.

BF: It wasn't a hissy fit, but Zuko insulted Kino...one drink, then?
Iroh: Make it two. I doubt my nephew would be concerned about the eating habits of an OC--sister or no.
BF: Right. (Both drink)

"Don't think I haven't seen you do it, too."

BF: Zuko knows you're the one writing dirty messages in the bathroom stalls, Mei!

"What, eat shit off the floor?"

BF and Iroh: (both take one drink)
BF: Or maybe eating what's in that pot?

"Yes."
Mei stuck her tongue out. "Yeah, well, screw you."

BF and Iroh: (another shot)
BF: Damn...she really IS gunna kill us...

The Fire Lord made a face. "It smells like vomit in here!"

Iroh: Yes, I never cared much for those designer perfumes either...

"Echo has the flu!" Mei said, pointing. "She's been barfing every morning for awhile now!"

BF: She's sick...of this fic!

"I'm fine, really!" Echo clambered to her feet, wobbled, and finally regained her balance as she straightened up. "Really!"

Iroh: Do we drink if Echo puts up an unconvincing charade?
BF: Nah. We'll run out of liquor at this rate...

Zuko frowned. "You don't look fine. And are you putting on weight?"

BF: Call 1-800-JENNYCRAIG!
Iroh: (defensively) There's nothing wrong with putting on a little weight...

SLAP! "You son of a bitch!"

BF and Iroh: Drink! (Both take a shot)

"I was just making an observation!" Zuko snarled, rubbing the unscarred side of his face where she'd hit him.

BF: Echo! Don't hit his unscarred side! That's the only "good side" he has left!

"I didn't mean it offensively! At least you're not skin and bones anymore!"

Iroh: My nephew is quite unversed with women-otherwise, he would know better than to bring up their weight. Ever.

Echo seethed.

Iroh: Drink?
BF: Well...she didn't SAY anything bitchy...so we'll let it slide...

Mei reached up and rubbed her shoulders. "Go ahead and tackle him, I'll be the referee."

BF and Iroh: (more drinking)
BF: Somehow, I think Mei would make a terrible referee, on account of she encourages foul play...

"No, that's all right." Echo sighed and looked down at herself. "Wow. I'm really not as bony as before."

BF: Looks like she'll be losing her job as Alley McBeal's stunt double.

Zuko looked triumphant. "See? What did I tell you?"

BF: (Zuko) The chicken DOES come before the egg!

Echo frowned at him. "You're still an arrogant, selfish-"

BF and Iroh: (another shot)
BF: Hoo! This stuff has some bite!
Iroh: Yes, this is quality liquor...helps take the edge off the fic...

"Yeah, yeah." Zuko waved her off.

BF and Iroh: (drinking)
Iroh: My nephew would never dismiss such a disrespectful remark, much less in such a casual, informal tone.

Obviously realizing that there wasn't going to be much of a fight to stick around and watch, Mei sighed.

BF: What a lil' blood monger...

"Whatever, you two are hopeless.Want to have a picnic?"

BF: What is this, a CLAMP comic? ...hic.
Iroh: My dear, you're looking a little flushed!
BF: Am I?

Echo covered her mouth, looking sick again. "Don't. Mention.

BF: Zuko.

Food."
"I have things to do anyway," Zuko replied.

Iroh: He's late for our lunch out! And after I promised to treat him!

"Important Fire Nation things?" Echo asked.

Iroh: Conquering the world takes quite a bit of effort, you know...Ozai just goes on for PAGES in his letters about how much work he has to do...

"Yes."
"They can't be more important than your wife and adorable little sister," Mei chirped, clutching her hands together and fluttering her eyelashes.

Iroh: Normally, I have a soft spot for children, but this time...
BF: Yeah, I don't care for her either...say, you think *she's* why Echo is barfin' everywhere?

Echo eyed her.

BF: (giggling) Checking out her goooooodies!

"If you expect me to do that too..."

Iroh: That's exactly what Zuko said to Arekisu when she ran the "first-kiss" scene by him!

Mei put her hands on her hips. "Did I say you were adorable? No."

BF: Hey, whadda we do when MEI'S bitchy?
Iroh: I don't know...tea?
BF: (long pause) Okay (Both drink tea) I feel calmer now. This really helps you sober up!
Iroh: And Zuko says he doesn't believe that tea helps!

"Of course I'm not adorable!

BF: (Echo) That's right, I'm not a Mary Sue! See the lack of adorableness? NOT Mary Sue!
Iroh: I'm not quite convinced...

And neither are you!"

BF: Finally! Somebody agrees with me that Mei's wacky hairdo and "spunk" are not CUTE!
Iroh: I agree with you...
BF: THAT...is because...you are REALLY COOL.
Iroh: Maybe we should ease up on the drinking game...

"Yes I am!"

BF: Mei's living a life of LIES!

Zuko looked back and forth between them as the arguing went on, then quietly slipped out the door. Whatever the outcome of the argument might be, he really wasn't that interested.

Iroh: Now, THAT'S in character! Tea?
BF: Wait...

Now, to hunt down that cat...

BF: Sorry, Iroh, looks like we'll have to take two shots...
Iroh: Does the previous ICness cancel at least one of them?
BF: (shakes finger at Iroh) I thought you could drink!
Iroh: It's you I'm worried about, dear girl.
BF: Ahhhh, I'm fine. Bottoms up! (Both take two shots)

"Do you ever think about them?"

Iroh: Sometimes...I miss my goldfish...

"Think about who?"

BF: Cheech and Chong?

"Your parents."

BF: BOOZE! (Both drink)
Iroh: I understand the importance of being there to comfort Zuko, but really, does Echo need to pick old wounds?
BF: It's her favorite passtime, I think...

Zuko put his hands behind his head and flopped backward from a sitting position.

Iroh: It sounds like Zuko would bump his head on something doing that... fortunately, my nephew has a thick skull...
BF: Fortunately?
Iroh: Well, this time, anyway.

"Occasionally-"

BF: ...I read shonen-ai fics. And by "occasionally", I mean "frequently".
Iroh:...I cheat at Pai Sho.
BF: So that's how you've been fleecing Zuko's crew!
Iroh: (laughs uncomfortably) ...What can I say?

"You mean all the time," Mei interrupted, crossing her legs.

BF: (silly) Umm...did she interrupt them by talking or crossing her legs?

Echo looked at Mei and Zuko, one on either side of her. The three of them were sitting on a patch of grass near the middle of the palace grounds,

Iroh: Tsk. There are signs all over telling people to keep off the grass...

on a hill, their backs to the orchards,

BF: (goofy) You should NEVER turn your back on an orchard...they're tricky buggers, they are!
Iroh: (sweatdrop) . . . . .

near the bench and apple tree where Echo liked to sit and read..

BF: Echo can read?
Iroh: Only Eric Carlton books, at the moment.

It was a cool summer night; the air was crisp, yet practically still.

BF: Hehe, hey Ir--OH DEAR LORD!!
Iroh: What?
BF: Your...um...man-breasts...they look like cones...
Iroh: Well, it IS a bit brisk out...

The city didn't get very dark at night,

BF: The bright lights from the casinos ensured that.
Iroh: I have visited there many times. The have excellent restaurants!
BF: And Pai Sho games...
Iroh: I play *clean* on *those* games, thank you.

but at least it was dark enough to see the twinkling stars in the heavens if one had a good enough view.

Iroh: A good enough view only affordable by the wealthy and privileged.
BF: (poor child) Mommy, what are "stars"?

And man, did they have a good view.

BF: (Zuko) Haha! Sucks to be a poor person living in the ghettos!

It was late at night...so late, that it could almost be called morning.

Iroh: (concerned) That's when the sexual deviants come out...
BF: Well, that explains Mei...

The faint orange glow of the city below reflected on the faces of the three of them...

BF: Soon, the radiation would kill them all.

Echo looked side to side at both of the siblings, never before noticing how similar they looked. It was almost shocking.

BF: And horrifying.
Iroh: Well...they do both have somewhat...*improvised* hair styles...

Maybe it was because their expressions mirrored each other.

BF: Bored?
Iroh: That's us, I believe.
BF: Oh.

Zuko's amber eyes were narrowed, fierce; Mei's brown eyes were narrowed as well, yet almost sort of empty.

Iroh: Belying the vapidness of her mind.

Lips pursed, noses somewhat scrunched, eyebrows set.

BF: The "disgruntled" look.

Or maybe it was because Mei had managed to get her short hair back in a demented, lopsided excuse for a ponytail;

BF: Yet, somehow, I know this will still look cute when someone does fanart for it...

now that she could see the little girl's face, Echo could really see how much Mei's features reflected those of her older brother.

BF: 'Cept without the fugly scar.
Iroh: (nervous) Perhaps you should not say that so loud with Prince Zuko in the vicinity...

For being royalty, these two sure aren't very happy, Echo thought.

Iroh: Royalty never automatically equates to happiness, my girl.

If I didn't know better, I'd say that they'd been miserable for their entire lives.

BF: Or at least until you entered them, Echo...

Is that the price they had to pay for calling themselves the Prince and Princess of the Fire Nation?

Iroh: No. The price they pay is that they have to attend all those awful social events.
BF: Is that really so bad?
Iroh: Have you ever been to one of Ozai's Christmas parties?
BF: Ehhh...

"I can't remember my parents," Echo said slowly, leaning forward, propping her elbows on her knees and her chin on her palms. "I can't remember much of anything."

BF: Echo's being angsty...does that fall under the stupid category?
Iroh: Not quite. But I'm sure it will soon enough.

"I remember that Mommy was beautiful," Mei said, somewhat wistfully.

BF: (Mei) Stupid mommy...not giving me any of her good looks!

Zuko sat up. "She died the day you were born, Mei," he snapped. "How could you possibly remember her?"

BF: Mei killed Mrs. Ozai? That's not cool!
Iroh: (bitterly) OCs have a nasty habit of killing off good characters...

"I've seen paintings of her!" Mei shot back. "She was lovely!"

BF: Or, at least, the paintings of her were.
Iroh: She made an excellent nude...
BF: WHAT? ...Iroh-did you paint her nude?!
Iroh: (flustered) Oh, look! Mei is being foolish again!

"Seeing isn't the same as remembering," Zuko responded quietly, looking away.

BF: But seeing is believing!
Iroh: That's right! I once saw a great spirit-dragon soar through the air while I was under capture of Earth Kingdom soldiers! It was magnificent!

"You can see paintings anytime you want to. You can reach out and touch them, examine them, hold them.

BF: Tell that to the security people at the museum.

But you can't do that with memories. They stay in your mind...and they never leave you. You never forget, no matter how hard you try. No matter how hard you try..."

BF: Perhaps he should try the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind?

Mei was silent for a few moments.

BF: Precious moments.
Iroh: Keepsake them forever.

Then, wordlessly, she got to her feet. "I'm sorry. You're right."
"I am?"

Iroh: No, Prince Zuko. You say "I AM!"
BF: Looks like the dialog is going to be picking up here...meaning lot's more drinking!

The princess nodded, then walked over and put a hand on her brother's shoulder. "Don't you ever let the memory of Mommy leave you, all right?"

BF: Okay...the angst has slipped into silly. Drinks?
Iroh: Yes. (Both drink a shot)

Silence.

BF: ...*hic*...
Iroh: Perhaps we should get you another soothing cup of tea?
BF: I'm fiiiiine...
Iroh: (worried)

"Please," Mei said, her voice cracking a bit.

BF: (Mei) That's not supposed to happen till puberty!

"Fine!"
"And don't you ever leave me, either!" Mei continued, sounding almost frantic.

Iroh: Ohhh, I'm having flashbacks to Ozai when he was younger...

"I don't know what I would do without you, brother

BF: Without Zuko's sex life, what would she occupy her time with?

...promise me!"
"All right," Zuko said slowly, turning his head to look at her.

BF: (Zuko) If I remember right, eye-contact portrays sincerity...

Mei gave him a quick hug, dark eyes glistening with tears which were quickly smothered as she reached up with her sleeve.

BF: (humming "Tears of a Clown")

"I'm going to bed. Good night, you two."
As Mei descended the hill, Echo looked at Zuko, trying, not for the first time, to figure out what he was thinking.

BF: (Zuko, thinking) So...which girl will Tenchi end up with? I'm putting my money of Ryoko...

A long silence passed between them. Echo shifted around uncomfortably for awhile,

BF: (Echo) Oh the 'rhoids...they burn!

then eventually flipped over onto her side, propped her cheek up with her hand,

BF: Her ass-cheek?
Iroh: Hemorrhoids can smart.

and studied Zuko. "What was she like?"
Zuko looked at her. "Who?"

BF: Paris Hilton.

"Ataka."
"My mother?"

Iroh: His mother? I don't remember her having such a strange name...
BF: Bumi thought I was sneezing every time I said it...

He flopped backwards again,

Iroh: How is he able to do that twice in a row?

resting his hands behind his head. Echo scooted closer to him and rested her head on his shoulder.

BF: (Zuko) Yeeeee! Get it off!

"Tell me about her. It might help you if you get it out."

Iroh: Looks like she's at it again.
BF and Iroh: (take two drinks)
BF: Why does she treat pasts like kidney stones? "It must come out! You'll feel much better!"

Zuko didn't seem to mind the touch, surprisingly.

BF and Iroh: SURPRISINGLY. (Both swallow another shot)
BF: So...much...OOC...bleeegh....

After a minute or two, he said, "You remind me a lot of her, actually."

BF: (Zuko) The old homeless lady down the block, that is.

Echo blinked at him. "Really? How so?"
"Because,

BF:...you eat food off the floor?

I mean...I've talked to Mei and Uncle Iroh and Aunt Rae about this...about us.

BF: He has? Iroh?
Iroh: (with "doom-cloud" overhead) Let's just move on...

And I know you have too, so I'm not ashamed of it. I have no reason to be. We're both...inexperienced, when it comes down to 'love'."

BF: They MUST be inexperienced, if they're passing the relationship they have as "love".

"You're right," Echo nodded, grinning. "But I mostly ask them how in the hell they can put up with you."

Iroh: Tea. Lots and lots of tea...
BF: Oh...and for that comment... (both take a shot)

The corners of Zuko's lips turned up in a faint attempt at a smile. "And what do they say?"

BF: (loudly) THEY SAY THE CANDY MAN CAAAAN!!!
Iroh: Perhaps we should quit this game now?
BF: Nuuuuuuuu...I can take it!

"They say it's because they love you. You're family. And I guess I'm family now, too."

BF: At Olive Garden, you're ALWAYS part of the family!
Iroh: I LOVE Olive Garden. Their bread sticks are to die for!

"Is that how you put up with me, too?"

BF: Hehe...*we* do it via drinks...
Iroh: I think maybe we should stop?
BF: Ahhh...whadda *you* know? ...*hic*

Echo nodded again.

BF: Bobble head Echo! Collect all eight!

"Am I really that much of a bother?"

Iroh: (shifty gaze) Of course...not.

Upon thinking for a moment, Echo shook her head. "No.

BF: (Echo) Thinking just isn't my bag, baby!

It's just fun to exaggerate, because it pisses you off.

BF: And sooooo....
BF and Iroh: (yet ANOTHER shot)

Now, what were we talking about?

BF: Uhhhhmmm...I think it was over who takes care of the cat?
Iroh: Oh dear. It seems my drinking partner is a bit tipsy!

Oh, right...how do I remind you of your mother,

BF: Zuko's got an Oedipus complex!
Iroh: That will only lead him to tragedy...
BF: Yeah...it hooked him up with Echo!

and what does talking to the rest of your family have to do with it?"

BF: Yeah, whadda you guys hafta do with it? Huh?
Iroh: Why don't *I* hold the liquor bottle? So you can sober up a little?

"They agree with me...kind of..."

Iroh: By "kind of", my nephew means "only after a great deal of 'convincing'"...

"About what?"

Iroh: That green is DEFINITELY not his color.

"About how you remind me of her," Zuko replied, his voice unusually soft.

BF: OOC! Down the hatch!
Iroh: (reluctantly giving up bottle) Be careful you don't drink too much...
BF and Iroh: (both drink up shot of alcohol)

"She was kind, gentle, caring...she knew who she loved,

BF: (Mrs. Ozai) I LOOOOVE Beanie Babies! They're so cute! And look! They come with little tags that have clever poems inside! How adorable!
Iroh: My god, I remember that...there were so many, it was difficult to move around the palace...

and she loved them with everything she had.

BF: (Mrs. Ozai) Ohhh, Peanut the Elephant and Snip the Cat, I'll never leave you!

She was willing to submerge herself in this love, lose herself in it.

Iroh: Yes...her love for Beanie Babies WAS rather...intense.
(Mrs. Ozai, in Iroh's memory) Say hello to Prances the Pony!
(Iroh, in Iroh's memory) Ahhh...
(Mrs. Ozai, in Iroh's memory) SAY IT, DAMN YOU!
(Iroh, meekly) Hello!

She was devoted to my father and me,

Iroh: Though Beanie Babies and HGTV always seemed to come first...

and she would have been devoted to Mei, if...

BF: If Mei hadn't been such an annoying brat...*hic*

if she hadn't died giving birth to her.

Iroh: Yes, being dead can sometimes hinder devotion...
BF: (blearily) Yeah Mei...you SUCK!
Iroh: (patting on back) Now, now, be nice.
BF: *HIC*...nice, shmice.

But even when my father beat her...

BF: In beauty pageants...
Iroh: What, you don't think Zuko got his good looks just from his mother, do you?

she never said anything."

Iroh: She SHOULD have just given him a good swat. That would have put Ozai in his place.

He looked at her.

BF: (Zuko, to Echo) Damn, you're ugly.
Iroh: What did I say about being nice?
BF: *grumble*
Iroh: I do believe I prefer you sober...

"She loved him too much to tell anyone.

Iroh: Love requires respect...including respect for one's self. (Gloomily) That was not love...it was submission.
BF: Here, have a drink.
Iroh: (takes a swig) Thank you.

It's not like he would have gotten in trouble for it. He was the Fire Lord.

Iroh: Fire Lord or no, I would have seen to it that he faced consequences for his actions...
BF: You woulda made 'im stand in the corner?
Iroh: Erm...something like that.

She just didn't want Uncle Iroh and Aunt Rae to take her away from him, even though they knew.

BF: If you knew, how come you didn't act? Not only has your inaction hurt ...Ataka....but it also hurt Zuko, coz now he has to LIVE with Echo!
Iroh: (sadly) In both cases I was outpowered....first, by my brother, then, by Arekisu.
BF: Which is more of the tyrant?
Iroh: It is difficult to say...

They didn't do anything about it, though...she was the Queen, after all. If they confronted her..."

BF: If you confronted her, what?
Iroh: She would come after us with a little squirt bottle.

"That...that was my reasoning, too.

BF: Uhhhmm...where's the reasoning? I dunn see it...

That's why I didn't say anything after that night, those months ago. I didn't have the authority to tell them no. They would have taken me away for sure." Echo looked away. "So that's why I remind you of her? We did the same thing in the same situation?"

BF: I don't GET it. Since when was taking crap n' all a sign of LOVE?
Iroh: *sigh* It isn't love. At best, it is delusion.
BF: Awww...you're so wise. Atakawakalakashaka shoulda hooked up with you!
Iroh: Ahh...no...it's wasn't meant...-_-;

"Yes. That's why." Zuko turned his head back and resumed gazing at the stars.

BF: Twinkle twinkle liiiiil' staaar, I feel like I'm at a baaar...
Iroh: Yes, you've definitely had too much to drink..

"Well, here's what I think," Echo said slowly.

BF: Gotta talk slow..to give 'er brain time to catch up, hehe!

"I think that Ataka and I are alike because we'd do anything for the men we love, without having any second thoughts about our own welfares. She was like that, wasn't she? Not every woman's situation is the same.

BF: Yeah, some women respect themselves and know when ta walk away when they're gettin' th' short end of th' stick...

But love comes in all ways, shapes, and forms. Ataka and I are alike because we love the same way...with every breath that's in us."

Iroh: (shaking head) This poor girl and Zuko's mother have it all wrong...
BF: Ish like dat sooong... How do ah breathe withoouuut yooouuu....
Iroh: It's a shame we don't have some karaoke to go with the drinks!

"Aunt Rae worked so hard to make her free from him,"

BF: (Rae) FREE WILLY!

Zuko said, his voice somewhat shaky. "But she wouldn't hear any of it. She was such a stubborn bitch..."

BF: Another trait in common with Echo, I see.
Iroh: I cannot believe he would speak so disrespectfully about his mother...
BF: Cheers, then! (Both take shot of sake)

Echo smiled. "Who, Ataka or Rae?"
"Both of them! They're both impossible! And Mei is like that, too!"

BF: Man, the whole female side of the royal family...I feel sorry for you, Iroh.
Iroh: Considering Ozai and Zuko, the male side isn't much better. But thank you.

"Well, gosh, I wonder where you got it from..."

BF: Hmmm...maybe two years of hardship and rejection?

Zuko rolled his eyes at her. "You're impossible too, you know."
"You're ridiculous."
"You're ridiculously impossible."

BF: This ish ridicu'sly inane...
Iroh: Zuko being immature and OOC, Echo being a bother...I believe that totals up to two more drinks...
BF: Mwaaaaahhh...more drinking? I dunn feel so good.
Iroh: Why don't you let me drink yours for you?
BF: Okay. (Iroh drinks four shots) Chug, chug, chug! Iroh, you're an ANIMAL!
Iroh: (bemused) Am I now?

"You're impossibly ridiculous." Echo sat up. "Do you know how to dance?"

BF: Ummm... How much do we drink when Echo pulls random shit?
Iroh: I believe that falls under the "stupid" category...one each.
BF: Alright...lemme at it!
Iroh: Are you sure you can handle anymore?
BF: Yesh I CAN! Stop givin' me sass, the *both* of you! (Takes shot)
Iroh: (fearful) Ehhh... (takes shot)

"Of course not."

BF: Thass bah-lone-eee! I SAW him in WOK, I did, an' he was BREAKDANCIN' with the Kyoshi girlies!

Echo got to her feet, grabbed Zuko's hands, and hauled him up. "Come on, then, let me show you!"

Iroh: Oh, teach him the Mashed Potato! That is one of my favorites!

Zuko took a step back. "No way!"

Iroh: That's fairly reasonable...enough to be IC. Have some more tea to feel better.
BF: Thanks. (Drinks) DAMN! This is bitter! Put some sugar it!
Iroh: (outraged) That will ruin the FLAVOR!

"Oh, come on!" Echo grabbed his hand and lifted his arm, twirling under it and up to him, getting caught in his arms.

BF: On purpose.
Iroh: Sly girl.

"Is this dancing or vertical cuddling?" Zuko asked, grumbling, looking irritated and amused at the same time.

BF: Corny line and showing amusement at Echo-when she's NOT suffering? OOC alert!
Iroh: Another round! (Both gulp down their sake cups)

Echo rested her head on his shoulder, breathing slowly, caught in the moment. It seemed as if time had stopped, and they were the only ones moving, just the two of them.

Iroh: Yes, I am also feeling that this fic is a little slow...

And Echo wished they could stay that way...trapped in this moment for all of eternity.

BF: (Mr. Freeze) Maybe I can be of service...?

"When did it come to this?"

BF: When did "Detours" become so laaaame...?

"When did what come to what?"

BF and Iroh: What?

Echo shook her head. "Forget it. Shall we go inside?"
"Let's sleep out here tonight."

Iroh: The palace was being fumigated anyway...
BF: What about Mei?
Iroh: What ABOUT Mei?
BF: But...OH...I getcha...

"Nobody will know where we are..."

Iroh: They assume that we fret over their location at all times? Please-I have much better things to do! Like trying to locate my lotus tile!

The fiery city lights illuminated Zuko's glittering amber eyes, and the smile that dashed across his face. "Is that a problem?"

Iroh: Outdoors sex?
BF: Echo will be pulling out pieces of grass for WEEKS!

"They look nice together," Suki said with a sigh as she leaned out her bedroom window, Mei at her side.

Iroh: It appears the voyeurism is spreading...

"Know what sucks?

BF: Besides this fic?

And no offense, but Firebenders ruin so many lives...and yet, eventually, all of them find happiness just the same.

Iroh: All? No, my dear girl. There are many unhappy firebenders...just look at Zhao...
BF: (Zhao) I *die* in the first book season finale? Well, you can all go to hell!

Some of their victims never do."

BF: That whoooole sentence juss SCREAMS "Jet"! ...*hic*

Mei scowled. She'd been watching Echo and Zuko ever since she'd come inside; and, quite frankly, she loved what she saw.

BF: I BET she did!

"I'm glad he's happy. You might not think so, but he deserves it."

BF: (Zuko) HOW do I deserve this cruel and unusual punishment?

"I know I don't think so," Sokka snorted from inside the room.
"I know you don't," Mei said, turning around. "But please. Could you try, for once in your life, not to insult my brother in front of me?"

Iroh: Yes...that is usually Mei's task.
BF: (Zuko, to Mei) Could you try, for once in your life, not to insult me in front of my face?

"I can try, sure, but I can't promise anything."

BF: (Bart Simpson) I can't say I'll try...but I'll *try* to try.

Fixing him with a nasty glare, Mei turned on her slipper and exited the room. Upon receiving a similar glare from Suki, Sokka merely blinked.
"Wonder what her problem was..."

BF: You know what? You *know what*?
Iroh: Umm...
BF: Sokka...is *cool*!
Iroh: Of course he is.
BF: No, really! *HIC*...He's, like, the only person who gives Mei any crap! He's the only one who annoys her back! Go Sokka! Give that tiny terror a taste of her own medicine! YEAH!
Iroh: (slowly reaching for sake bottle)

"So there's no sign of her?"

BF: Hence why she's called The Invisible Woman!

"There hasn't been for a few months. That ship passed here a long, long time ago...it didn't dock, but we saw it."

BF: The Titanic!

"A warship? Smaller than Zhao's ships, yet still pretty large?"

BF: (Zhao, hitching up trousers) Yup...still the biggest in the land. Others may try to compete, but I am the *man*!

"Yes." The old man cocked his head. "Is there any specific reason why you're tracking-"

BF: The White Rabbit?

"I'm looking for someone he abducted from my island. Months ago, in fact." Kotah

BF: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Iroh: Good heavens, girl, why are you screaming?
BF: IT'S HIM!
Iroh: Who?
BF: Kotah! "Most Idiotic OC Ever Created"!!
Iroh: I thought that was Echo...
BF: She stole the crown from him-and now he's come to take it BACK! *sob*
Iroh: There, there...
BF: Gimme the liquor...
Iroh: I think you've had enough...
BF: Shuddup! I NEED it!
Iroh: You're going to pass out! You'll die if you drink too much more...
BF: (bitterly) Anything, if it gets me out of meeting Kotah again...

pulled the hood over his head, frowning. He'd been on the trail of the warship for months now...stopping in villages here and there to ask around. And thus far, he was headed in the right direction.

BF: Just follow the trails of screams...

The old bartender looked at him thoughtfully.

BF: (bartender) Are you REALLY old enough to drink?

"You look as if you've journeyed far, young one. You and your coterie, too. Come, you may stay here at my inn. Take a seat and have something to drink."
Kotah nodded shortly. "Thank you, sir." He lowered his voice, fists clenched. "Prince Zuko won't get away with this..."

BF: Kotah couldn't stand the humiliation of having his eyebrows shaved and his face doodled on in permanent marker!

As Kotah turned and walked away, the old man furrowed his brow. "He's not the prince anymore."

BF: He's Echo's BITCH... *sob*

"He's not?" Kotah whirled back around. "What do you mean?"
"Lord Ozai is dead," the bartender informed him. "It seems as if, now, you're seeking the Fire Lord himself."

Iroh: I find it strange that such a vital piece of information has slipped past Kotah...
BF: Kotah isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, if you know what I mean.

"Shit!" Kotah gritted his teeth. "Now what am I going to do?"

BF: (Hopeful) Turn back around and leave this fic?

"Here's my advice," the old man said. "Keep traveling. Go north, and join the Earth Kingdom's army."

BF: Heeey...this bartender's a *recruiter*!
Iroh: They're everywhere these days...

"But we're not Earthbenders-"
"Tag along with them. Make yourselves useful.

Iroh: Yes. Become waterboys.

That, or go farther north, and find the Avatar."
Kotah's eyes widened. "The Avatar?"
A nod. "He's at the North Pole now, rumor has it.

Iroh: I've learned not to believe what gossip columns say...

Being guarded by part of the Earth Kingdom's army, and the Water Tribe's, as he learns to master Waterbending." He shook his head. "The last of the Air Nomads...an entire element, gone! Extinct! It's unbelievable!"

BF: Inconceivable!
Iroh: The airbenders have been dead for some time...I suppose the shock never wears off for some people!
BF: (bartender) The sky is blue! It's unbelievable!

Kotah nodded disinterestedly at this,

BF: (Kotah) Yeah...screw the airbenders.

yet had a look of icy determination on his face. "I'll go way up north. I'll find the Avatar. And I'll rescue Echo from the Fire Nation."

BF: Doesn't he have, ya know, a whole family living in poverty back home? Shouldn't he be taking care of them? Instead of chasing some random girl? With an evil/forboding look on his face?

He turned and left, went all the way back to the table, before the old bartender put two and two together.

Iroh: I can't imagine what's to put together...he's already told practically the whole thing...

The elderly man blinked. "That boy was talking about Queen Echo, Lady of the Fire Nation..." A shrug.

BF: Echo, Queen of the Hairy-chinned gypsies!

"Oh well, good luck to him, anyway. Hope he doesn't get fried."

BF: Let's hope he gets boiled or stomped instead!
Iroh: I do wish people would stop referring to firebending as if it's a way to cook fattening food, and recognize it for the sacred, serious art it is.
BF: Mmm, crispy!
Iroh: -_- Yes, like that.

Back at the table, where his friends were laughing and drinking,

BF: Speakin' of drinkin'...how mush do we take for "unexpected OC arrival"?
Iroh: It wasn't listed...which is probably good, because you cannot even stand anymore...
BF: Ev'rythin' is so spinny! Wooooo! But I can still MiST!

Kotah only stared at the mug in his hand.

BF: I bet somebody spit in it...hehe*hic*!

Back home, he'd bribed his little fan club of teenage girls to look after his siblings

BF: (Kotah) Take care of my family, and I'll have wild sex with you!

while he went on his crazy, probably fatal journey to rescue the nameless orphan that had been kidnapped from his shores months and months ago.

BF and Iroh: WHY?

Why am I on this mission?

Iroh: An excellent question!

Kotah himself didn't know the answer.

BF: Sooo...if Kotah himself doesn't know his motivation...then we can clearly assume this is a plot device on Arekisu's account.

But the truth is, I saw something in that girl, the day she saved my life. What it is, I don't have a clue.

Iroh: Reckless stupidity?

All I know is that I want it.

BF: Baby, you *have* it! *HIC*!

Kotah smiled as he lifted the mug to his lips.

BF: Luckily, he wore that "no smear" lipstick, so he wouldn't have to worry about leaving any lip-marks on his mug!

And I always get what I want.

Iroh: If I didn't know better, I'd say that was Ozai...

Iroh: Well, that looks like all of chapter 16...and our drinking game...Miss Booter?
BF: (passed out on floor)
Iroh: I suppose I win. (Drags body to safer spot) That should do it. (Long pause) ...I really don't want to go back to Arekisu...I'll just stay here and drink some more... >_>;;;

***

Chapter Seventeen, "Ashes of Nightmares"

"All right, Mei. This is it. Take him down!"

BF: Use the chair! Give him the chair!

Mei blinked at Iroh. "Um...take him down?"

BF: (Mortal Kombat) FINISH HIM!

The old man rubbed the back of his neck,

BF: (Iroh) Oh...looks like it's time to shave back there again...

looking sheepish. "Sorry, I got a little carried away."

BF: He was always like that after attending illegal dog fights.

Across the training field, the same little boy as all the times before, now a hundred times more scared, was cowering near the brick wall.

BF: (little boy) Why does this shit always happen to me?

"Please don't hurt me, Princess! I promise I en't going to say anything mean about you ever again! I won't call you 'Prince' or rat-face or shithead or-"

BF: For Mei...those are *compliments*.

Mei twitched, her palms starting to flare with bright orange flame.

BF: Unfortunately, the flames caught onto her nail polish, which caused her fingers to be nearly melted off.

"That's it!"

BF: How many times have I said that with this fic?

Zuko, nonchalantly leaning against the wall near Iroh, raised an eyebrow.

BF: (Zuko) So, hot stuff, what'cha doin' tonight?

"Interesting, uncle. Mei seems to have a harder time controlling her temper nowadays than I myself do."

BF: I never knew Mei exercised *any* manner of control...

"And you shut up, too!" Mei shouted at him, turning from the little boy and facing her brother instead.

BF: No one was safe from Mei's wrath.

The little boy, Yazzo,

BF: Yazzo?! No WONDER he's getting picked on! Geez...this name is almost as rich as Avatar Rippa.

did a double take, hardly believing that he

BF: Was in a fic by Arekisu!
(Yazzo) Sweet Jesus NO!

was out of danger now that Mei's wrath had been diverted to someone who actually deserved to get whacked over the head with a flaming metal torch (or something of that nature).

BF: (looks around) Who? All I see is Iroh, who is kind and wise, and Zuko, who has been patient with Mei beyond all belief and could kick her ass in a heartbeat if she gave him any lip. WHO is Yazzo thinking about?

As brother and sister glared each other down (though Zuko was smirking anyway),

BF: Zuko, sadly, only comes in three expressions: angry, angsty, and smirking. I don't think we'll ever see a "perky" Zuko.

he received a silent nod from Iroh, and, quickly as before, Yazzo scurried away from the training field.

BF: But was certain to collect his tip as he left.

He was the son of a servant, and obtained little notice from the countless others who resided in the palace.

BF: Who are these countless others? The OCs?

And, since Yazzo was a Firebender, he'd been chosen to help Princess Mei, who was about his age, practice Firebending with an opponent her own age. Nevertheless, he still considered himself less of an opponent and more of a target.

BF: Yazzo quickly learned not to wear red, as it angered the Princess.

Although, Mei still probably wouldn't be able to hit him even if he had a big X tattooed across his chest.

BF: Mei knows better than to mess with one of the X-Men.

Her aim was pretty terrible...

BF: She couldn't hit the broad side of Iroh! Hahaha!
(Iroh) =_= And after we drunk together...
(BF) Sorry.

Back at the field, Mei had calmed down...if only a little. "So, where's Echo?"

BF: (Mei) I haven't seen her in twelve whole seconds!

Zuko shrugged. "She's around here somewhere. Hell if I know where. It's not my turn to watch her."

BF: Truth is, he tied her leash to a parking meter outside the local grocery store and just left her there.

"Very funny." Mei stretched and looked at her brother and uncle. "Can we go back inside now?"

BF: (Mei, in monotone) Must...play...video games....murrrrrr....

"We haven't even been out here for an hour, Mei," Iroh pointed out. "You need some more time to practice."

BF: (Iroh) Your sunblock is good for another half an hour. Keep working!

"But stupid Yazzo left." She suddenly turned her wicked gaze to Zuko. "Uncle Iroh, can I fight him?"

BF: (Bumi) So you thought I was a frail old man, eh? But I'm actually the strongest earthbender you'll ever meet!
(BF) Um...your majesty? Mei's talking about Zuko.
(Bumi) Couldn't you have told me that *before* I made my speech?

"Oh no." Zuko took a step back. "You're not using me for target practice. Not until hell freezes over."

BF: And it doesn't look like this fic is getting frosty any time soon.

"C'mon, please?"
"No."
"Please?"
"No."
"Please?"
"No."

BF: THRILL as two masters of debate lock swords in a battle of will and wits!

"I'll give you a cookie!" Mei took a cookie out of her pocket and dangled it in front of him.

BF: (knowingly) Che. Like Zuko would be interested in some frikkin' cookie. The only thing you could dangle before Zuko that would catch his attention is the Avatar.

"Well..." Zuko's eyes followed the cookie, before he reached out and snatched it before Mei could do anything. "Fine. I guess I can stay...for a few minutes."

BF: He...he ACTUALLY *WENT* for it? ZUKO? See, this is why I think Arekisu secretly hates Zuko...by making his firm, dignified, and resolute character bend before A COOKIE! God, it's like she's raping him up the ass with a pinecone!

Mei grinned and crossed back to her side of the training field. "I hope I don't hurt you too badly."

BF: *twitch*

Zuko shoved the cookie into his mouth and crossed to the opposite side, rolling his eyes. "Yah, ohkay."

BF: From the shoving of the cookie into his mouth, to the rolling eyes, to the funny voice...I'm beginning to think this isn't really Zuko, but the COOKIE MONSTER!

"Uncle Iroh, tell us when to start," Mei said, getting in the ready position,

BF: Spread eagle.

one arm out in front of her and one bent, knuckles forward. She turned to Zuko, who was in the same position. "Ready for an ass-whooping, brother dear?"

BF: (Zuko) Yeah...if it's YOUR ass, that is.

"Not from you," Zuko hissed back, long since having finished his cookie all in one bite.

BF: (Zuko) Snickerdoodle? I hate HATE snickerdoodles!

"It'll take a miracle for you to beat me."

BF: Or an act of Satan. It's happened before.

"Now, remember, you two...first burn, and time's up," Iroh said. He rubbed his temples.

BF: (Iroh) I would sell my soul for some asprin...or a mallet.

That usually wasn't the rule for normal face-offs, but Zuko and Mei tended to fight dirty (as in, screaming, kicking, and punching...not just Firebending).

BF: So, basically, this is a catfight.
(Mei) Can I use the heel of my pump to stab him in the eye?

"First or second degree?" Zuko asked, not taking his fierce eyes off his little sister.

BF: Trying to estimate what it would take to kill her using either types of burn.

"I'll be the judge of that," Iroh responded. Then he raised his voice: "Begin...now!"
In a flash of blinding orange,

BF: Kids! Look away! The following scene will give you seizures!

a flame shot from Zuko's hand and sped toward Mei, who screeched and dove out of the way.

BF: She then spread her bat-like wings and flew away into the night!

The fire hit the Fire Nation flag hanging behind her, and the lower half of it was in ashes before Iroh could tame it.

BF: Is burning the flag illegal there?

"Block it, Mei! Block his hits!" Iroh called,

BF: (Iroh) Not with your head, you foolish girl!

then began grumbling. "And why are these flags still even in here? They're covered in burn marks as it is..."

BF: Just because it's a fighting room, doesn't mean it can't have a little flair, Iroh.

Mei clenched her fists as she hopped to her feet and glared at her brother. "Damn you!"

BF: Are they fighting or bickering here? Where's the violence? Where's the blood spray?

Zuko only gritted his teeth. "I told you, you can't beat me."

BF: (Zuko) U n00b!

Enraged, Mei shot a flame at Zuko, who blocked her hit by bringing his arms up and down in a slicing V, his hands returning to his sides afterward.

BF: This fight scene was brought to you by the letter "V". Can *you* say "V"? Let's all make the "vuh" sound!

Again and again Mei shot, and again and again her brother blocked. "Am I going to get a shot in edgewise, or are you really using me for target practice?"

BF: I think it's less "target practice" and more "tantrum".

Mei spread her arms. "Fine! Shoot me!"

BF: And so Mei is hit by a barrage of bullets from the legions of members of the "KILL MEI NOW CLUB".

Taking her invitation, Zuko pulled a fist back and thrust it forward, flames shooting out and heading directly at Mei.

BF: Yay! Kill her kill her kill her!

A sudden impulse told her to do as he had done;

BF: Little sisters are ALWAYS copying their older siblings.

she brought her arms up in an X and sliced down in a V, breaking up the shot.

BF: Reading this fight scene is like going through a bowl of alphabet soup!

Zuko stared. "You blocked it? You actually blocked something?"

BF: Who knew Mei could actually be competent at something?

Mei grinned. "I told you I could."
"No you didn't..."
"Oh, screw you!"

BF: Mei's solution for everything.

Mei shot another flame at Zuko, which he not-so-gracefully dodged by leaping to the side and spiraling to the ground, landing on his ass.

BF: Not-so-gracefully? The guy can fight while *breakdancing*, for goodness sakes! Landing on his ass is "not-so-IC".

However, as he flailed to the ground,

BF: -_-;

a shot of the flame hit his arm. But Zuko had suffered worse burns than this.

BF: That one time, when he didn't listen to his mother about letting the cookies cool on their tray...

This one, though it hurt like the damned, was minor. All he needed to go was climb back to his feet and keep fighting, show Mei who's boss...

BF: That's right, Zuko! Show her you're the Alpha Male!

But before he could get up, her fist was in his face, a victorious smirk on her face. "Surrender now, or suffer the consequences."

BF: I don't believe this...

Something flashed across Zuko's face, something Mei hadn't ever detected before on his features...fear.

BF: (Zuko) She's not going to make another sex joke, is she? About me being on the bottom?

Mei raised an eyebrow. "Brother? What's the matter?"

BF: Zuko was suffering an uncomfortable wedgie...
(Zuko) All that moving around...

Zuko was staring at her fist. "No..."
"No what?"

BF: Zuko was upset because she was wearing his mood ring again.
(Zuko) She overheated it and now it won't work anymore!

Zuko only stared, eyes wide, void of emotion.

BF: Oh...you have GOT to be kidding me. Like Zuko's going to have a traumatic flashback of his banishment because of his little sister. Didn't he get over this with Zhao?
(Zhao) The little bastard *cheated* is all...

Iroh caught this before Mei did. "All right, niece. That's enough for today. Go back inside."

BF: Time for Mei to go back to her closet.

Mei opened her mouth to say something, but Iroh silenced her with a look.

BF: If only we could make that face permanent, then maybe she'd finally zip it.

With a curt nod, Mei put her fist down, took a last look at her brother, and fled.
"Zuko?" Iroh crossed the field and put a hand on his nephew's shoulder. "Are you all right?"

BF: Did the big, bad Mei hurt you?

As the Fire Lord hopped to his feet, he viciously pushed Iroh's hand off his shoulder. "I'm fine! I'm fucking perfect!"

BF: (Iroh) WHOA! Definitely NOT okay! Rowr!

"There's no need to be sarcastic, nephew," Iroh said, frowning.

BF: (Iroh) If I want sarcasm, I'll go watch "Daria".

He squinted. "You have a burn on your arm."

BF: Iroh's the master of observation.
(Iroh) Hey! You wear your hair in a ponytail! *Very* fashionable!

Zuko looked down, and lifted his arm.

BF: There was no odor though; Zuko always wore his "Secret" brand deodorant.
(Zuko) It leaves me smelling fresh...no matter what!

Obviously, he hadn't dodged Mei's last shot as well as he thought he did...the forearm of his tunic had a huge, ashy burn mark on it.

BF: No worries! OXY Clean will take that off in a jiff!

Scowling, wincing, he peeled the sleeve back...the skin beneath was red and raw, and the burn itself throbbed and pulsed with such a power that he could swear it had a heartbeat of its own.

BF: Ewwwww...
(Iroh, lightly touching Zuko's wound) Your burn is healing over my fingers!
(Zuko) It senses your fear...

"Let's get you to Raeona," Iroh told him. "She'll have something for that-"

BF: AMPUTATION!

"She always has something," Zuko snapped, turning away and stalking off the field.

BF: Licking his arm.
(Zuko) I'm delicious...NO ONE should be this delicious!

"Yes...she does." After a few seconds, Iroh followed him.

BF: Making sure Zuko doesn't knaw on his arm any further.

"No, no! You have to add the water first!"

BF: Seamonkies won't grow unless you add water!

Echo winced as she looked into the pot. "Um...does it really make a difference?"

BF: Only weirdos eat their Ramen dry, Echo!

"Yes," Raeona said sternly. "It does indeed make a difference."

BF: Adding water = less nagging.

"Well, how much of a difference?"

BF: That sounds like a slacker looking for a way out!

The woman sighed. "That's all for today, Echo. I guess when I'm gone, my potions will be, too."

BF: (Snape) Once that wench Raeona dies, *I* will be the Potions Master!

"Don't talk like that, Auntie Rae!" Mei piped up from the counter. She was sitting on a high stool, legs dangling, arms folded.

BF: Translation: She was sitting at her high chair. Bib included.

"You're not gonna die anytime soon!"

BF: (Mei) We'll keep you on life support foooreveeeerrrrr...
(Rae) Gods, NO!

Raeona shook her head. "This is a war, child. Anyone and everyone dies, or at least loses something."

BF: *I* lost my favorite keychain.

"Like I lost Daddy?

BF: (Ozai, stuck in couch cushions) Hello? Am I going to be stuck here until spring cleaning?

"Yes."

BF: (Ozai) Damn! ...ooh, a penny!

"I get it, then," Mei said. "I guess...but, I mean, come on! You're not going off to war! And how likely is it that the war is going to come here, of all places? To the capital of the Fire Nation?"

BF: Yeah, what are the ODDS that the war the Fire Nation INSTIGATED is going to eventually going to end up at it's capital? Like, what? 1:1?
Whomever: Goddamnit, I hate these "This is not gonna happen," says Mei, when it is happening. Like in the third chapter or the sixth, or the... hell it happens to often to keep count.
BF: She keeps denying the obvious.
(Mei) I AM likable!

Raeona and Echo exchanged grim glances.

BF: (Both, thinking) Okay, which one of us is going to be stuck with "comfort Mei" duty?

Mei blinked. "Okay, what's going on?"

BF: Teehee! Mei's stupidity is funny!

"The Earth Kingdom has the Avatar on their side," Echo said slowly.

BF: (Earth Kingdom) We pick...the Avatar!
(Fire Nation) No fair! WE were going to pick him!
(Earth Kingdom) Too bad, he's on our team now! Looks like you'll have to pick Russell!
(Fire Nation) That sucks! We don't want the fat kid!

"And just knowing that has made their army stronger, I guess. Ever since they heard the news, they've been pushing the Fire Nation's army back."

BF: (Earth Kingdom) Back, Fire Nation, back I say! Don't make us use this! (shakes Avatar at them)

"Zhao should have caught the stupid Avatar by now!" Mei growled,

BF: (Zhao) At least I'm putting in an *effort*! Your elder brother weaseled out of the same all-important task by an outrageous and ill-conceived loophole! That lazy good-for-nothing!

thrusting her hands into her hair and pulling.

BF: Not that she had much to begin with...

"I knew he couldn't be trusted, I knew it!"

BF: (Fox Mulder) Trust no one.
(Mei) Not even you?
(Mulder) ESPECIALLY not me!

"Calm down, Mei!" Echo said, holding her hands up. "It's okay! I'm sure our army will defend the borders. They have to."

BF: (Border Patrol) Yeah, yeah, they keep telling us to keep the borders safe, and then they go and cut our fundings!

"Yeah, especially since you have a baby on the way," Mei said with a smirk.

BF: (sarcastically) Yes, heaven forbid Earth Kingdom archers should shoot down Mr. Stork while he makes his very important delivery.

Echo paled. "But...we don't know that...for sure yet..."

BF: Booter paled. "But...we don't know...when this torment will end..."

"Oh, we're sure, dear," Raeona said gently. "Your body has demonstrated all the signs...

BF: Her bellybutton suddenly became an outie.

you're about four months along."

BF: (Rae) Sooo...let's see...you have about five months to live, before your child explodes from your body, ripping your flesh apart beyond all repair...

"I can't believe he knocked you up on the first time," hooted Mei.

BF: See, girls? Your sex education teacher was *right*-you CAN get pregnant the first time!

"Lucky you, huh?

BF: Shut up, Mei. Stop torturing me with your cruel verbal irony.

I told you that you would be having his babies, didn't I?"

BF: Yeah. About FIFTY MILLION TIMES!

"Yeah. You sure called that one."

BF: (Echo) About FIFTY MILLION TIMES!

Echo flopped down in a nearby chair. "But how do I tell him?"

BF: (Echo) Zuko, I'm pregnant with your baby!
(Zuko) That's the third time this week!

"Easy! 'Zuko, in like five months I'm going to be screaming in agony while giving birth to your child, isn't that wonderful?' Or something along those lines." Mei scratched her head.

BF: Mei isn't very helpful when breaking this sort of news...
(Echo, to Zuko) You're my baby's daddy!
(Mei, to Zuko) You're my daddy's baby!
(Echo) T_T; Mei...

"But when I left the training field, he was acting awfully weird..."

BF: (Mei) He insisted upon licking himself!

Echo cocked her head. "Weird?"

BF: (Echo) Like "funny weird" or "OOC weird"?

"Yeah, he was...

BF: (Mei)...like a total spaz!

oh, here he comes now! Hi, brother!"
Zuko didn't look at her as he entered the greenhouse, then went through the apothecary door into the makeshift hospital.

BF: Makeshift? Guess the royal family was too poor to have a permanent one built at the palace.
(Rae) I TOLD them that pool table would be too expensive!

He passed her up and went to the next counter, then held his arm out to Raeona. "That little bitch burned a hole in my shirt."

BF: (Zuko) It's so holey, I'll have to use it as a Sunday shirt!

"Tsk, tsk..." Raeona grabbed a cloth and a bottle from a cupboard nearby, sat her nephew down on a spare bed, then peeled the sleeve of his shirt all the way off

BF: Taking several layers of skin with it.

and started wiping the burn with the liquid.

BF: Liquid nitrogen!

Echo clamped a hand over her mouth, feeling a wave of nausea hit her...that burn was nasty...she could swear she heard it sizzling!

BF: (Echo) Ugh, that's so disgusting! I...*sniff*...waitaminute...*sniffsniff*...that smells pretty good...Zuko, can I have a lick?

She couldn't bear to look at Raeona cleaning it with whatever healing concoction she had in that bottle.

BF: (Raeona) Windex! It cures ALL!

Yet, Zuko didn't even flinch. He was watching Raeona's every move as she bandaged up his arm.

BF: Zuko knew better than to take his eyes off her.
(Zuko) The last time I didn't pay attention she sewed my hand to my stomach!

"Thanks."
Echo frowned. "Doesn't that hurt?"

BF: (Zuko, bitterly) Not as much as our marriage.

"No." And that was the end of that. Zuko had stood up and left before anyone could say another word.

BF: He needed to be ALONE to cry.

"What's his problem?" Echo asked, blinking.

BF: (Doctor) Well, it seems he has a case of overexposure to OCs...

Raeona was watching him go with glazed eyes.

BF: (Echo, snatching Rae's "glazed" eyes) Mmmph...sugar....so good! Feast, my baby, feast!

"It's nothing I can explain easily, dear."

BF: *sigh*...which means Echo will have to needle it out of Zuko later...

After a few moments, Mei looked back and forth between them, shrugged, and got up.

BF: (Mei) I can't tell which is which!

"Well, it's been nice chatting with you two about horribly depressing things,

BF: Yes, the prospect of Echo getting pregnant IS horribly depressing...oh wait...Zuko's burn. Well, I guess that's depressing too. In a "Zuko reduced to an OOC wuss" sort of way.

but I'm off to reclaim the swamp for the Fire Nation.

BF: (Jet) Not if I have something to say about it, Fire Nation scum!

Yazzo won't get away with it!"

BF: (Yazzo) I gave that thing up WEEKS ago! Why won't she leave me ALONE?

"Have fun." Raeona seemed to have snapped out of her trance,

BF: Guess the drugs wore off.

and was now cleaning random medical tools around the room with a different cloth.

BF: (Echo) Um, Rae? You're cleaning my toothbrush... Well, at least she's not using the rag with Zuko's blood and blistered flesh on it...

"I'm going to get my new clothes filthy," Mei prompted.

BF: Mei liked playing in the wet cement.

"That's nice, dear," Raeona mumbled absently, dusting a jar.

BF: It says above that "Rae snapped out of her trance", yet I'm seeing no evidence to support this...

"I'm going to go play with the servant boys!"

BF: It's *what* part of the servant boys she'll be playing with that worries me...

"Run along, have a nice time."

BF: (Rae, absently) Go play in traffic, dear.

Defeated, Mei's upper lip curled as she charged away. It was no fun egging Rae on if she wasn't going to fight back.

BF: Ahh, but Rae WAS fighting back! See, Rae, if you ignore her cries for attention, she'll leave you alone!
(Rae) My God, I see the light!

When she was sure the little girl was gone, Echo turned to Raeona, and put her hands on her hips awkwardly, trying to sound assertive.

BF: Well, at least she's got the "ass" part of "assertive" down!

"Tell me what's wrong with my husband." She blinked. "Four months and that still sounds odd."

BF: (bitterly) Don't I know it!

Raeona laughed, somewhat bitterly.

BF: Ah, Raeona, you share my pain!

"You don't pull off 'commanding' very well, dear," she said bemusedly.

BF: Hence why Echo never scored a role in "Master and Commander".

Echo sighed. "All right. Please, tell me what's wrong with Zuko.

BF: (Echo) Is it serious? Should we take him to a vet?

"Sit down, and I'll tell you."

BF: (Echo) Eee! Storytime!

As Echo took a seat on one of the hospital beds, and Raeona sat down on the stool that Mei was previously sitting on.

BF: (Rae) These high chairs are rather uncomfortable...

Another few moments of silence passed between them before Raeona sighed wearily.

BF: (Rae, taking long drag from cigarette) My ass is twitching. You people make my ass twitch.

"You must understand, Echo...this isn't easy for me to tell you. I wasn't there, but...I heard. I heard all about it."

BF: Guess Raeona had her ear pressed to the keyhole while she was "sweeping" too!

Assuming that this was somehow related to Zuko's scar,

BF: Actually, it was related to his shoe size.

for whatever reason, Echo simply nodded...and listened as Raeona went on.

BF: (Echo) That's it...just humor the old tart a little longer...then I'll cash in on her newly arranged will!

"To this day, I don't know exactly how it happened.

BF: Contradicting her previous statement of "I heard all about it."

But Iroh knows. He was there. He and a few other Firebenders carried Zuko into this very place two years ago, and put him down on the bed you're sitting on,

BF: (Echo) *uncomfortable shift*

right after the Agni Kai, right after..." Raeona took a few shaky breaths.

BF: Wow...Raeona seems to be taking this worse than Zuko.

"The burn was horrible. If you think the scar looks...well...anyway, the actual burn was much worse.

BF: (Rae) It was all blistered and pussy for weeks!
(Echo) Okay! Thank you! Lets move on, please!

I healed it the best I could, but..." She held up a bottle of liquid. "I invented this years ago. It does away with scars...

BF: Windex also is great for cleaning grimy surfaces!

but only in the first twenty or so minutes after the injury occurs. After that, it's useless.

BF: (Iroh) Damn...I suppose we shouldn't have stopped for donuts...My apologies, Prince Zuko!

Mei would be covered in scars without it. That girl gets burned so many times..."

BF: Yazzo's insults can be quite scathing.

"And why didn't you use the scar stuff on Zuko?"

BF: His medical insurance didn't cover it.

"Because his father came in." A spark of hate lit behind Rae's eyes.

BF: Those are her "angry eyes"!

"Ozai put a knife at my throat and told me that I wasn't to use it on him.

BF: Or *he* was going to use the knife on *her*!

He said he wanted him to live with the humiliation of dishonor...to be reminded of it every time he saw himself in the mirror."

BF: Wow, Ozai...you suck.
(Ozai) I thought it added character! Look, all his fangirls love it!
(BF) That's even worse!

"Bastard!" Echo looked down and realized that her fists were clenched so hard that her fingernails were drawing blood from her palms.

BF: Uhh...that's a sign to back away. Good thing you're already dead, huh, Ozai?
(Ozai) I'm not frightened of some OC...
(BF) But look at her hands...
(Ozai) Oh, what is she going to do? Glare? *Bleed* at me?

As Raeona got up to examine her, Echo shook her head. "No, keep going."

BF: Echo *likes* the pain...
(Echo) It tells me I'm alive!

"Are you sure?"

BF: (Rae) I'm not going to tell the story if your going to sit there and mutilate yourself the whole time...

Echo nodded. "I'm sure."
Raeona nodded in return, and sat down again. "There's not really much left to tell...Zuko was unconscious for days afterward, with a bandage over the side of his head. I made Mei leave whenever I replaced the bandage. Thus, she didn't see the scar until he came back, with you.

BF: (Mei, upon Zuko's return) Damn, brother, when did you get so fugly? No wonder you scored such a plain bride!
(Zuko) =_= . . . . . . .

"He mumbled in his sleep...called for his mother,

BF: Mama's boy!

for anyone.

BF: (Zuko, in sleep) Unnh...Luke Perry...I need you!

He'll never admit to that, but it's the truth.

BF: (Zuko) I didn't call out to anyone!
(Rae) We have your phone records stating otherwise...
(Zuko) Ulp!

And Mei refused to leave his side...of course, that only made their father angrier.

BF: (Ozai) No, you cannot take your dinner to Zuko's bed, Mei! Dinners are meant to be eaten at the dinner table! No exceptions!

But she wouldn't go. She was holding onto his arm so tightly, I thought she was going to cut off circulation..."

BF: Making Zuko's road to recovery all the more painful.
(Zuko, waking) Ugh...hey! I thought you said there would be no leeches used!

"Um..." Echo tilted her head and looked at Raeona. "You're looking all spacey again..."

BF: Slowly, Raeona slips into senility....

The woman snapped back to reality, and a faint, sad smile appeared on her face. "I'm sorry, dear. You can't exactly blame me..."

BF: BLAME CANADA!

"So, what I was trying to make earlier, that was the burn stuff, right?" Echo asked, dying to change the subject.

BF: (Rae) No. Actually, I was having you make iced tea.

Raeona nodded and held up yet another bottle.

BF: Where is she GETTING all these bottles?

"Yes. It numbs the burn in seconds. You might think being scorched is nasty, but really, I've seen so many worse cases."

BF: (Rae) Like the time Mei tried to iron Zuko's shirt...while Zuko was still IN it...

She looked away. "I'm sorry for being so depressing, Echo."

BF: Yeah, we know Echo is too emotionally fragile to deal with anything negative...

"It's not your fault," Echo mumbled. "I asked you to tell me...I'm going to go find Zuko now. Where'd he run off to?"

BF: (Echo) Now that I know the source of my honeybunny's angst, I'm going to go prod him about it until he has a breakdown. Then we can snuggle!

"He's probably meditating," Raeona replied, once again busying herself with cleaning random things.

BF: (Echo) Can you please stop cleaning my foot?

"Thanks." As Echo got up and headed for the door, she suddenly turned around, making eye contact with Rae.

BF: (Echo) *I* am the dominant female!

"Zuko...he told me awhile ago that I reminded him of his mother, and that you all agreed with him."

BF: (Rae) Well, there was alcohol involved...

After a moment, a slow smile crept across Raeona's face. "You're very much like Ataka, Echo."

BF: You both have stupid names, for starters...

"That's a good thing, right?"
"Of course it is.

BF: *cough*

She was my sister...and a very honorable person."

BF: (Rae) She took her beatings like a real champ!

Echo nodded, with a slight smile, and left. Raeona put the bottle she was dusting back down on the counter and turned her back to Echo's retreating form. "You are very much like Ataka, Echo...very much indeed."

BF: Meanwhile, Ataka was rolling in her grave.
(Ataka) How dare you insult the dead!

---

"So, have ya done it with him yet?"

BF: Guess torturing Zuko and Echo wasn't enough for Mei. Now she's moved onto other couples.

Suki frowned. "I'd be grateful that he's not awake, if I were you," she said, nodding at Sokka's snoring form on the bed.
"Fine." Mei shrugged. "But I could kick his ass anyway."

BF: Whatever, Mei. Like he couldn't totally bend you over and spank you with the flat of his boomerang anytime he wanted!

"And then you'd have me to deal with."

BF: (Suki) Get off my man, skank!

The princess took a big step back. "Okay, let's not get carried away!"

Suki smirked. "That's what I thought."

BF: Right. So Mei's afraid of Suki, but not afraid of Sokka, who could probably hold his own against the Kyoshi warrior? Am I sensing a female bias here?

Mei wandered across the room and looked out the window, then her eyes lit up.

BF: Like a Christmas tree!
(Suki) Agh! So bright!

"Hey, there's Echo!"

BF: (Mei) Why isn't she having sex with brother?

"Don't call to her!" Suki said, looking a little panicked. "She'll see you here!"

BF: (Suki) More importantly, she'll see ME here!

"Oh, right. Sorry." Mei backed away from the window.
"So...why did you ask me that?" Suki asked, raising an eyebrow suspiciously. "It's personal information that I'm not too keen on sharing with an seven-year-old."

BF: If you think *that's* personal, wait till some of her later questions...
(Mei) So...do you prefer it from the back or front?

"I'm TEN!"

BF: With the maturity of a two year old and the sexual knowledge of a 20 year old.

"Whatever."

BF: I like Suki.

Mei shrugged again, trying not to show how offended she was,

BF: I *really* like Suki.

and put on an innocent smile. "I just wanted to know, because what if you're pregnant like Echo and I need to steal some baby things for you?"

BF: (Echo) Okay...now I'm pretty sure we bought a crib yesterday...what happened to it?

Suki's hand flew to her stomach. "Oh...well..."

BF: Anyone care to tell me how they expect to keep Sokka, Suki, and a bawling infant a secret when they live in Zuko's palace? I mean, aren't there servants who would catch on?
(Mei) I bribe them for their silence!
(Servants) It wouldn't be the first time...

"Tell me when you know!" Mei said in a singsong voice as she left the room.
"Little...grr...I just want to take her stupid little face and..." Suki slammed her fist into her palm. "Smash it!"

BF: I REALLY like Suki!

Sokka snorted in his sleep and rolled over on the bed. Suki turned to him, then looked down at herself. "If babies snore as loud as he does, then I'm doomed to get no sleep for the rest of my life."

BF: (Sokka) Don't worry, baby, you'll be up all night for different reasons...(suggestive eyebrow wiggle)
(Suki) Ugh....

***

Chapter Eighteen, "Vindicated"

"Why are you being so cold to her?"

BF: (Echo, singing) You're as cold as ice! You're willing to sacrifice our love!
(Zuko) No. There is no love.

Zuko kept his eyes closed, continuing to meditate.

BF: Zuko knew the "Silent Treatment" bugged Mei to no end.

The flames on the three candles grew, then shrank, then grew.

BF: Much like Zuko through puberty.

His voice remained legarthic, almost monotonous,

BF: More commonly known as the "history teacher" voice.

all the energy he had focused on the flames of the candles.

BF: (Zuko, thinking) Fire...good...fire...buuurn...

"Why doesn't she come and talk to me herself, instead of always sending someone else?

BF: Yeah, this isn't junior high, Echo!

She knows she can talk to me..."

BF: Zuko sounds like a resource teacher.
(Zuko) You can come to me any time. I'm always here to listen.
(Echo) Uh...I'm pregnant?
(Zuko, enraged) WHAT?!

"Not about things she doesn't know about."
"Which are...?"

BF: Uh...everything?

"She's nervous."

BF: That's Echo, the worry wart...

Mei took a seat beside her brother, cross-legged, and lit another candle. Wincing, she tried to manage the flame...make it grow, or at least dwindle...

BF: Make it DANCE!

Zuko, without opening his eyes, made Mei's candle go out.

BF: Che. *I* could do *that*! (closes eyes and puffs breath out corner of mouth)

"HEY!" Mei slapped him on the

BF: [insert inappropriate body part here]

shoulder. "I was trying!"
"You weren't succeeding, that's all I noticed..."

BF: Zuko is a man who likes to see results!
(Zuko) I want to know...*why* didn't we make our original estimated earnings for this quarter?!
(Firebender Officer) Well, um...
(Zuko) You're FIRED!
(Firebender Officer, plummeting through the trapdoor beneath him into a fiery pit) AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Mei frowned. Zuko tried not to start laughing...a slight smirk appeared on his face.

BF: (Zuko, singing) How can I help it if I think you're funny when you're mad? Tryin' hard not to smile though I feel bad...

"Oh yeah? Well, then..." She leaned over, sucked in a breath,

BF: Hopefully Zuko wouldn't notice she had garlic pasta for lunch.

and blew out Zuko's candles. "Happy birthday, make a wish!"

BF: (Zuko) I wish for my dignity back.

"It's not my-" Zuko blinked. "Wait a second..."

BF: (Zuko) Am I on Candid Camera?

"Happy seventeenth!" Mei spread her arms. "Ready to party?"

BF: (Mei) Like, neither of our parents are home, so we can throw the most bangin' party EVAH!

Zuko raised an eyebrow.

BF: And he raised it with such panache even Spock had to nod in acknowledgment.

"Not with you."

BF: Not after the last party, he's not...
(Mei) And I will CAAAAARRY ONNNNNN!

"Okay then, with Echo?"

BF: Noooo...she'll be staying in the garage. Loud noises make her skittish.

"Not with her, either." Zuko got up.

BF: (Zuko) I'll be partying with strippers and good old Jack Daniels.

"I don't do parties."

BF: That Zuko...he's a regular party pooper.
(Iroh) Prince Zuko, you should come to Music Night on the ship!
(Zuko) NO! You keep playing Celine Dion!

Mei rolled her eyes.

BF: She rolled them right under the couch!
(Mei) Shoot! Now I'll never get them back!

"No need to remind me." She held up her hands and clicked the tips of her thumb and index finger together, like the claws of a crab...only

BF: More stupid.

Mei's bitten fingernails were a bit more lethal.

BF: Lady Deathstrike plays "Mei" in "Detours"!

"Seventeen pinches for seventeen years!"

BF: A sentence even the most hardened convicts cringe at.

Zuko got up. "Don't come near me, or I swear I'll-OUCH!"

BF: I wonder where Mei is pinching...

"Sixteen more to go!"
"Mei-OWW!"

BF: By the sound of it, she's pinching somewhere tender.

"You sound like Kino!" Mei turned to her black cat, lounging lazily on Zuko's bed. "Keep count for me, okay?"

BF: Seeing as Mei can't count for herself, she cleverly employs the local hairball to do it.

Kino licked his paw and blinked at her. "Meow?"

BF: Translation: "I crapped in your shoe."

"Thanks!"
"OWW! MEI!"
"How many was that, Kino?"

BF: Just subtract the yelps of pain from seventeen...

The cat continued licking his paw, purring. He was a cat, after all.

BF: I mean, besides licking their paws and crotches, what else do they do?

Cats didn't pay attention to anything...

BF: Rather like Mei.

that is, unless it was attached to a string

BF: (Sokka) Boy, I sure do love fishing...WHOA! ( reeling in) It's a big one...it's a...cat?!

and looked edible,

BF: Kino kept coughing up copper coins he came across.

or posed a threat to their very lives, such as a fuzz ball or a bug.

BF: Or bad writing.

Mei sighed. "You're no help."

BF: (Mei) I thought all cats could talk....Cat in the Hat, you LIED to me!

"MEI!" Zuko rubbed his arm and ran.

BF: Yes, the fierce and fearless Zuko, fleeing from pinches from his baby sister...
(Zuko) Actually, I was running from her smell...

Mei, however, had other plans...she leapt down, grabbed her brother's ankle, and Zuko tripped and was slammed face-first into the floor...

BF: This gave him an opportunity to admire the quality of polish used on the palace floors.
(Zuko) I can SEE myself in these floors!

where he, of course, continued to get pinched.

BF: In a morbid sort of way, I have to admire Arekisu. She always finds new and inventive ways to rob Zuko of all his dignity.

"Mei-OUCH-STOP-OWW! GET AWAY FROM ME!"
"But I have nine more pinches to go, ya big wuss!"

BF: Why does the Fire Lord not lay down the law and have her caned to near death for her impudence?
(Ozai) That's why I banished him. The boy is not made for being Fire Lord.

"NINE?

BF: Seven of Nine! ...yeah, sorry. >_>;;

ECHO! HELP ME!"

BF: Calling Echo? That's like pouring salt on a wound.

Echo appeared in the doorway, arms folded, eyes narrowed. "What do you want?"

BF: (Echo) Can't you see I'm busy being biznatchy?

"I-hey, what do you look so angry about?"

BF: (Echo) You made me miss the most critical moment ever on the OC!

"Don't try to act all innocent, Zuko."
"Innocent about what?"

BF: (Echo) You've been wearing my control-top pantyhose again!

Echo shook her head, looking a bit hurt.

BF: (Echo, pained) Those were my favorite pair...and now they have runs in them!

"Forget it. I'll be downstairs."

BF: Is this a palace or a two story house? Well, I guess this makes finding/confronting people easier.

Zuko watched her go, confused as ever...

BF: Much like the audience.

but, not confused enough to ignore the horrible

BF: Mischaracterization...

pinching that he was being subjected to. "MEI!"
Mei pinched him a last time ("SEVENTEEN!"),

BF: (Mei) And a pinch to grow an inch--and I think you all know where I'm referring to!

then poked her head out

BF: of her ferret hole.

the door and watched Echo descend the stairs, before turning back to her brother. "What was that all about?"

BF: That is the $60,000 question.

"I don't know." Zuko frowned. "But I don't like it."

BF: (slaps face) That line...
(Iroh, curiously) What's in this tea?
(Zuko, taking sip) I don't know....but I don't like it.

As he got to his feet and headed for the door, Mei threw herself in front of him.

BF: Zuko ran her over, of course, and left her for dead.

"All right, big brother, let's review. Your wife is obviously angry or hurt about something or other,

BF: (Echo) WHO SPILLED COFFEE ON THE NEW COUCH?!

and since she's moody, it's probably something really stupid that's upsetting her.

BF: (Echo, peering over belly) I can't see my feet anymore. I can't see my feet!! DAMMIT!!!

What are you going to do?"

BF: Call the pound?

"Grab her by the shoulders and shake her?" A pondering pause. "Hard?"

BF: Noooooo, silly! That's what you do to Arekisu, remember?

"No!" Mei wagged a finger at him. "Bad! Bad boy!"

BF: It's at times like this I like to ask myself--"What would Jesus–er–ZUKO do?"
(Lieutenant Jee) Considering he was two seconds away from kicking my ass when I openly criticized his leadership in "The Storm", I'd say Mei is looking into the face of death right now.

"I'm not your filthy cat, Mei, don't talk to me like that," Zuko growled, eyes narrowing.

BF: I'm surprised he hasn't thrown her in the dungeon yet.
(Zuko, glaring at Mei though prison bars) And you can just sit in here and think about what you did!

Kino lifted his head. "Meow?"

BF: Translation: "Is it food time yet, slaves?"

Mei pointed at Zuko. "Sic him, boy!"

BF: It seems Mei has her animals confused...

"Grrrr..." The cat bared his sharp teeth.

BF: Looks like Kino has his animals confused too...

Zuko raised an eyebrow, then turned toward the cat, exclaiming in a mocking tone,

BF: "You dwarfs breathe so heavily, a shot could be made in the dark!"

"Oh, you disgusting little ball of fur, you think you're so scary and-AHHHHHHH!"
Mei cackled as she left the room. "I doubt he'll be leaving this fight without a scratch...heh...scratch...cats scratch! With their claws! What a pun, I crack myself up..."

BF: That joke is about as funny as the whole Catscratch show. Which ISN'T.
Whomever: *scoff* Even Bumi had more taste than that.
BF: (Bumi) This is what gives bad jokes a bad name!

"Bail faster, you imbeciles! If we're lucky, we'll get to the Avatar in the next ten years!"

BF: (Aang, smugly) I pity everyone who doesn't have a flying bison.

Kotah

BF: Goddammit.

stood before his group, scowling, barking commands right and left. The group of young men, tired and ravenously hungry, only glared at their so-called leader as they lifted the buckets

BF: of Kentucky fried chicken! Finger lickin' good!

faster and dumped water over the sides of the boat.

BF: And the reason they don't dump Kotah overboard is...?

"Morons," Kotah grumbled as he folded his arms. The old man that he'd met in the bar weeks ago

BF: Kotah has strange tastes when it comes to pick-ups...

had loaned to him a rickety old boat...however, it had gotten them pretty far, though it seemed its life was coming to an end.

BF: And so, we bid farewell so the S.S. Tin-tanic.

The man had smiled as he'd pushed them off the dock.

BF: Right into the water.
(Kotah) Wait till we're IN the boat, dammit!

"Good luck to you all!"
Kotah frowned. That guy was hiding something...but what?

BF: The old man actually had a drug stash hidden in the boat. He was using Kotah to help get it across the border.
(Old man) I call it "low-risk trading".

He knew something. I know he did.

BF: (Kotah) I know he knew I know he knew!

Something he wasn't telling me...

BF: (Old Man) Guess I should have told them that little boat is a death trap. Oops. Oh well.

He shook the feeling off. It's too late now. What happens, happens...

BF: (Sokka) Just trust your instincts! It's what I do!

And if I play my cards right, whatever happens will be in my favor.

BF: Does he even HAVE any cards? Nevermind...

Echo sat underneath the apple tree, turning over the necklace in her hands.

BF: Supposedly, it was a cursed necklace, dooming whoever wore it to be killed before they could reach their dream of becoming the Hidden Leaf village's Hokage!

"It's beautiful," she mumbled to herself as she examined it. "But what was it doing in his drawer?"

BF: (Echo) Along with all the fishnet stockings and lipstick?
(Zuko) I told you to stay out of my "special" drawer!

She looked at the necklace again. A blue choker, attached to a shiny amulet.

BF: Jack had lovingly given Zuko the "Star of the Sea" before he sank to the briny depths of the ocean many years ago....

It screams "Water Tribe"

BF: when you press a little button on the back.

all over it, Echo thought, so whoever gave this to him...whatever woman gave this to him

BF: In our world, it's men who give women the jewelry, but in Avatarland it's just the opposite!

...must have been of the Water Tribe.

BF: Elementary, my dear Watson!

And if she's as beautiful as this necklace is...

BF: And she IS...Cue the silly jealousy!

Echo put it down on the bench right next to her, and pushed it away, sighing, lost in thought.

BF: (Echo, thinking) Was she better than me?

She put a hand to her stomach. "Baby, could I really be that unlucky?"

BF: If the power of Zutara can crush all other couplings (coughA/Kcough), it can crush yours.

The tiny being growing inside of her, of course, yielded no reply.

BF: It was biding its time before it burst forth from its host.

"To think," Echo continued, knowing that she wasn't going to get a response,

BF: (Echo) I've tried poking my belly to get my baby to respond, but all I ever hear is a "Hm-Hmmm!"

"that the reason that he hardly shows me any affection is because he's with another girl...

BF: I know! All this time I thought the reason he didn't show you any affection was because he didn't *like* you!

I mean, I know I'm unlucky. I'm a magnet for the insane bad luck.

BF: Yeah, living the plush life of Fire Queen with a uber hawt husband is a really tough break. Poor you.

But still...oh please, God, the one time I've found someone...don't let this happen, please!"

BF: (Echo) Let him be mine forever and ever and ever! (Creepy voice) ...And EVER.

"Are you done babbling yet?"

BF: A question that has plagued us since chapter one.

Echo whipped

BF: Her crop, demanding she must be referred to as "mistress"!

her head around to see Mei trotting up to her. The little girl took a seat on the bench, and examined the necklace. "What's this?"

BF: (Echo) Proof that Zuko is a little man-whore!

"I found it in our...in Zuko's room." Echo looked away.

BF: Heh, she SAYS it's *his* room, but I'm getting the feeling he'll be sleeping on the couch tonight!
(Zuko, banging on bedroom door) Let me in, dammit! The couch is lumpy!

"It's pretty."
"Yeah."

BF: (Echo, bitterly) Pretty cheap.

"You think he's cheating on you or something?"

BF: (Echo) Well, I used to think all the lipstick smudges on his clothes were from you, when you hid in his closet to spy on us....

Silence.

BF: It was quiet. *Too* quiet...

Mei got up.

BF: At noon, usually.
(Mei) It's hard getting up when you're hung over.

"Look, Echo. I know how paranoid you are.

BF: Joseph McCarthy couldn't hold a candle to her!

But still. This is ridiculous. He loves you, and you know it."

BF: There we go again with the "If I say it enough times it will come true!" Look, I've told myself tons of times I'm going to be a millionaire, but I haven't gotten any richer off it!

"Sometimes I'm not so sure."

BF: ALL the times I'm not sure.

Exasperated, the princess sighed. "You're so annoying!"

BF: Like those damn Alvin and the Chipmunks Christmas tapes!

She snatched up the necklace and ran.

BF: Mei would later place it in her box of "shiny things", which included bottle caps, broken pieces of glass, and tin foil mashed into little balls.

Echo reached for her as she went.

BF: (Echo, singing) Stay with me, don't walk away!

"HEY!" But Mei didn't so much as look behind her as she continued running, not very willing to stop for anything.

BF: Not even red lights or pedestrians!

"Stupid..." Echo got up and headed back toward the palace. "Stupid, stupid, stupid..."

BF: (Forest Gump) Stupid is as stupid does.

Mei reached her destination in a matter of minutes;

BF: By putting the pedal to the metal!

she flung the door to Sokka and Suki's room open, and thrust the necklace at Sokka.

BF: (Mei) Is this yours? Are you sleeping with my brother on the side? Now the SoZu shippers will never shut up!

"Do you recognize this?"

BF: (Sokka, frowning) I've seen it on milk cartons...and on flyers posted in front of the grocery store....

Sokka, gobbling the food she'd brought earlier

BF: (Sokka) Food now, necklace later.

off a plate,

BF: A step up from the usual dog-bowl she had him eat out of...

cocked his

BF: Shotgun, ready to reclaim his sister's prized possession at any cost.

head. He swallowed, eyes wide.

BF: (alarmed) Sokka? Quick, someone preform the Heimlich! I think he's choking!

"That's my mom's necklace...I mean, Katara's necklace!"
"Huh?"
"My sister, Katara! That's hers!" Sokka sat up and grabbed it away. "Where did you get this?"

BF: (Mei) High risk trading?

"My brother had it, apparently."
Sokka pocketed it. "Well, I'm going to give it back to Katara when I see her."

BF: (Sokka) Won't she be surprised? Hey, this saves me a shopping trip for a Christmas present!

"All right then, whatever..." Mei shrugged as she turned and left the room, grumbling to herself.

BF: (Mei) Darn. I wanted that necklace for myself.

"Well, that was easy...I know who the necklace belongs to, so I can go tell Echo to calm down...

BF: With the accompaniment of some tranquilizers.

she's such a drama queen.

BF: Just like Gollum.
(Gollum) Ahhh! The elf rope! It burns us! HIISSSSSSARRRGH!!!
(Sam) Shut up already!

It's pathetic.

BF: Yes. Yes it is.

Whenever things get boring, she has to stir something up that puts her marriage on the line. Why can't things be all right for once?"

BF: Because then Arekisu wouldn't be able to stretch this fic for another twelve chapters!

"Meow!"

BF: Translation: I'm getting this burning sensation when I pee. Think I should call a vet?

Mei looked down to her feet and smiled, picking her small cat up. "Hey, Kino! Did you do a number on brother like I told you to?"

BF: (Kino) Wait...was it number one or number two you wanted?

The cat licked his paw and purred, not willing to give any other response.

BF: (Kino) I'd like to see my lawyer first.

"All right, fine." Mei stroked his fur as she finally got to her room. "Well, maybe we should-oh, hello, brother! You're looking...very..."

BF: Bastardized.

She bit her lip and shook from the effort of trying not to laugh. "Mummified!"

BF: Mumra is Zuko in "Detours"!
(Mumra-Zuko, pointing viciously at Kino) One day, Liono, I will DESTROY YOU!

Zuko was sitting on Mei's bed, the complete image of rage...rage in wraps, that is.

BF: (Iroh) Nephew, I have always suggested to keep your temper under wraps, but this isn't quite what I meant...
Zuko: Shut up.

The part of him that wasn't covered in bandages was looking pretty angry.

BF: "Pretty" angry? Must be his unscarred side.

"I'm going to KILL that cat!"

BF: That Darn Cat!

Mei clutched Kino to her chest. "No!"
"Yes!"
"It's not like you're going to get any scars!" Mei protested. "Auntie Rae has that stuff that-"

BF: (Rae, to Zuko) Well, the wounds will heal up nicely...but I'm afraid you gotten fleas. Here, wear this collar for a few days.

"That doesn't matter to me!" Zuko stood up. "All I know is that I want that horrible thing OUT of here! Now, Mei! I'm serious!"

BF: (Zuko) No really! This time I MEAN it--not like all those other dozens of times!

Mei scooted back. Kino hissed as his owner screeched,

BF: (Kino) Not in my ear, lady!

"You're not taking Kino, you're not, brother, I won't let you!"

BF: (Mei) Oh, Auntie Em, don't let him take my Kino away!

With a battle cry,

BF: (Zuko) Eeeeeyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyi!

Zuko lunged at Mei and tried to pry this hissing feline out of her arms. Kino eventually escaped and sat atop a dresser, watching brother and sister struggle and shout.

BF: (Kino) This is why I don't need cable. Jerry Springer comes to *me*!

You could swear that there was the tiniest hint of amusement on that furry little face of his...

BF: You could swear that there was the tiniest hint of amusement on that devious little face of the author's.

Kino went back to licking his paw as Mei and Zuko wrestled. It wasn't his problem...

BF: There was a bald patch developing on his paws from the continual licking of that one spot.
(Kino, twitching) I could stop anytime...anytime... (lick, lick, lick)

"Um...happy birthday."

BF: ...And you smell like one too!

Zuko turned to Echo. "What was that all about, earlier?"

BF: (Zuko) Between you and Mei and that damn cat, my seventeenth year is off to a pretty sucky start.

She shook her head. "Nothing, nothing...hey, look, I have something to tell you."
"What is it?"

BF: (Echo) I'm actually a beggar.
(Zuko) You already told me about that.
(Echo) Oh. Really?
(Zuko) Yes.
(Echo) Did I get a chance to properly fuss/angst over it?
(Zuko) Yes.
(Echo) ...Huh.

Echo shifted, her cheeks flushing.

BF: (Echo, shifting uncomfortably) My buttcheeks are burning...

She wrung her hands nervously for a moment or two, then eventually just put her hands together under her sleeves.

BF: (Echo) Hey...there's a lotus tile in here!

"I'm...I mean...you know what we did on our wedding night?"
A nod. "Yes..."

BF: (Zuko) Reverse cowgirl, if I remember the position correctly....

"Well...there's...I mean..."
"Spit it out, woman!"

BF: Zuko's inner Vegeta peeps out for a moment.

Echo backed away, sniveling. "Stop being so mean, honestly!"

BF: Quick! Someone call the WAAAHmbulance!

"Okay, fine." Zuko turned and faced the balcony, calming down a bit, staring at the clouds.

BF: (Zuko) Tee-hee, that one's shaped like a kimodo rhino!

A storm was approaching...if the clouds didn't betray it, then

BF: His uncle would.
(Iroh, sniffing) The air...it stinks of storm!

the eerie feeling he had would. He reached down, picked up a glass of water, and drank. The summer sun was hot, the air was muggy...

BF: (Zuko, fanning self while drinking) Mighty hot, I do declare. It's makin' the little woman irritable, I reckon...

a storm would be a welcome change, for even if it didn't take away the humidity, at least there would be no sun.

BF: Zuko hated it when his head got sunburnt...he couldn't get his uncle to stop picking his peely, sunburnt scalp.

"I'm...we're...I mean...I'm going to have a baby."

BF: (Zuko) You're definitely sure it's not a "we're"? Because I saw the movie "Junior", and I'm not doing male pregnancy!

Zuko dropped the glass he was holding, and it shattered on the floor as he stared at her,

BF: (laughs) You know, I was *wondering* why that glass of water appeared out of nowhere! It seemed so out of place! *Now* I know it was used to put an exclamation point on Zuko's shock! Haha!

brilliant amber eyes boring into her own dull green ones,

BF: (author) See? Not pretty! Not pretty! Not a Mary Sue!

wide with shock. "What did you just say?"
Echo thought she'd try a shot at being 'commanding' again.

BF: Hahaha, does she never learn?

"I'm not going to repeat myself."

BF: (Echo) Because I can't remember what I just said.

"You can't be serious."
"Do I look like I'm joking?"

BF: (Zuko) Well, you *are* funny looking...

"That's impossible!"

BF: (Zuko) There's no way you can get all those minutes for such a low monthly rate!

"It's not impossible!"

BF: Never say never!

"When did you find out?"
"Raeona says I'm four months along."

BF: (Zuko) Yeah...but *when* did you find out? How long have you been storing *this* little bombshell away?

Zuko eyed her, not willing to admit defeat...

BF: Uh...

though the pieces did fit. They had been married for four months...and Echo's vomiting in the morning...and mood swings...and weight gain...yes, he knew she was right.

BF: If he's noticed all these signs and realize they all point to pregnancy, how did he not come to this conclusion before?
(Zuko, thinking) Good god, uncle's stomach! He must be pregnant too!

But somehow, he didn't want to believe it.

BF: (Zuko) We could have had all the wild first trimester sex we wanted, but she waits to tell me when it's already too late? That selfish wench!

"I'm going for a walk,"

BF: (Zuko) ...off a cliff.

Zuko muttered, leaving the balcony.

BF: By jumping off it.

Echo stared after him, then looked down. "Well, that certainly went well..."

BF: Considering no one got burned...I'd agree.

His clothes were getting heavier by the second, saturated with rain.

BF: His clothes retained water even worse than his uncle!

Zuko was shivering even in the heat, for he was soaked to the bone, and very, very far away from the palace.

BF: Why does no one recognize Zuko? I mean...he sort has an unforgettable face...

Reluctantly, he turned around and walked back in the direction from which he'd come,

BF: Down Nocturn Alley.

a million thoughts whipping through his mind as the wind whipped through the rain around him...

BF: Whip it! Whip it good!

spraying him in the face.

BF: (Zuko) Well, at least it's the rain and not Kino...

Grimacing, Zuko wiped it away. Damned water...

BF: (Zuko) Stupid life sustaining liquid! Can't you see I'm angsting?

I'm such a miserable excuse for a human being.

BF: Wow...haven't seen angst like this since chapter one! I wonder if he'll be considering suicide next...well, with Echo having a bun in the oven, I can't blame the guy!

A war is raging...a war I want no part of.

BF: (Zuko) Everyone's lied to me! There were no "weapons of terror" in the Earth Kingdom! This was all for nothing!

Not anymore, not ever again. I want to stop it...I could stop it, after all. I'm the Fire Lord.

BF: Zuko, you have the power! Release the GOOD!

But my ancestors have been waging this war for a hundred bloody years. Who am I to intervene?

BF: Oh, gee, I dunno...the FIRE LORD? A competent, compassionate one?

The people would turn against me...

BF: (People) NOW how will we get our oil?

Unless they wanted the fighting to stop, too.

BF: Ya think? It's time for the peace-lovers of the Fire Nation to speak out!
(Fire-Hippie, sticking flower into mouth of Fire-tank cannon) Make love, not war, maaan!

Fickle, indecisive, ambiguous. That's what

BF: Little Echos are made of!

I am. I can never make up my mind, unless I have it firmly set on one single, solitary thing.

BF: (Zuko) Paper or plastic...paper or plastic?! ARRGH!

He shuddered, folded his arms tighter.

BF: A shuddering hawt boy in the rain, folding his arms tighter around himself in an angsty fashion...Jesus, it's like watching a Backstreet Boys music video!

I'm going to be a horrible father, I just know it.

BF: (Zuko) I mean, I wasn't much help when Mei was born...
(Young Zuko with Baby Mei) Is poop *supposed* to be that color?

I'm not ready for this.

BF: That's why you should have used Trojan brand condoms. Family planning is the key!

I can't even confront myself about my feelings for Echo...

BF: Those non-existent feelings.

I've told myself that I loved her, yes.

BF: No you haven't! (Clamps hands to ears) SHUT UP!

And then there's the fact that I've never told Echo that I loved her.

BF: Be...cause...you...DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON'T!!!!! (voice cracks)

Has she even noticed?

BF: (Zuko) That I've been using her shampoo?

I really am horrible.

BF: Horribly written.

I've been putting myself above everyone else, just because of my title.

BF: Yeah...you're king. You DO that.

The thing I have my mind set on is trying to prove that I'm not weak.

BF: (Zuko) Never again shall I be beaten at thumb wrestling!

I'm a monster...

BF: The angst is Zuko...but the subject of angst is so NOT Zuko...

But it's not too late to change.

BF: Yes, Zuko. Repent! Repent for your wrongs! ...Wait...what they hell were they? Showing mercy to a beggar? Taking her in as your wife for the sake of her/your nation? Shouldering the burden of ruling a country at a young age while still maintaining the best interest of the people at heart? Wanting to end a bloody war? Displaying INFINITE patience towards Echo and the incessantly annoying Mei? Oh, I know! Being shocked to find out suddenly you're the father of an unwanted/unplanned baby, and instead of raging at your wife you take a long walk to sort out your confused feelings? Yeah, that's it! Geez, Zuko, stop being such a selfish dick!

Zuko picked up to a run, pumping his arms in rhythm with his feet splashing on the wet ground.

BF: Making sure to hit every puddle on the way!

The palace was near...he could see it...almost there...
And then,

BF: He trips!

something caught his attention from the corner of his eye.

BF: A drunkard yelling at a lamp post?

He turned, and there was Echo, sitting out in the rain on a bench, as soaked as he himself was.

BF: (Zuko) Hehe...you got in a water-balloon fight too, eh?

She looks completely miserable.

BF: And you know what they say: "Misery loves company."

"Echo, you idiot! What are you doing out here?" He jogged over to her, took her hand, and hoisted her off the bench to her feet. "You're going to get sick!

BF: She's already there, buddy.

You're in no condition to be-"

BF: Angsting! You'll put strain on the baby!

She wrenched her arm out of his grasp, looking at him icily. "Don't touch me."

BF: Hands off the buttocks! Let's talk baby before booty, Zuko!

Zuko blinked. "What's the matter?"

BF: Yes. Please tell us what bug crawled up your ass and died THIS TIME, Echo.

"I came looking for you!" Echo, in hysterics,

BF: Echo--goes from zero to Ape-Shit in 0.6 seconds!

shivered and folded her arms, quite obviously freezing despite the humidity

BF: and all logic

in the air. "I came looking for you, and I couldn't find you,

BF: (Echo) I looked under rocks, behind trees...

and I was so worried..." Without warning, she flung herself into his arms, a shivering, sobbing mess.

BF: (Zuko) Ew.

"I thought you were gone for good...I thought I was alone..."

BF: Gone for good? He's FIRE LORD, he HAS to stick around the palace! If anyone would be going, it'd be *you*, honey!

Awkwardly, Zuko rubbed her back, not very used to giving comfort.

BF: (Zuko, thinking) I can feel her bra strap. Hm. Should I snap it and see what happens?

He took her hand and showed her wedding ring to her, in all its gold-and-diamonds

BF: Gaudiness.

glory. "See this ring?

BF: (Zuko) It's fake. Ain't worth shit.

It means you'll never be alone again. Ever."
Echo looked at him. "You're serious?"

BF: (Echo) What about when I'm in the bathroom? Or masturbating?

A nod.

BF: (Zuko) Yup, this ring will always be here for you. Well, see you around! (Runs off)

"I'll always be here. Just as long as you will be, too."

BF: (Zuko, singing) I'm giving you everything all that joy can bring this I swear--I give you everything! And all that I want from you is a promise you will be there! Say you will be there!

"It's a promise, then?" Echo leaned her head on his shoulder.

BF: More like an obligation, but whatever.

"It's a promise." Zuko pulled away and looked her in the eyes...he couldn't distinguish the tears from the drops of rain on her face, though he knew both were present.

BF: OH NO! The cliche-ness has reached critical mass! AHHHHH!

"I love you."

BF: (long silence) ....Somewhere, an angel has lost its wings, a kitten has died, and a little, lost, sickly orphan has been beaten senseless.

He felt her tense up for a moment in his arms, not quite believing what she'd just heard.

BF: (Echo) What?! Fox Mulder was the father of Scully's baby?

Then, as soon as the impulse had come, she relaxed again, a smile crossing her face. "I love you, too."

BF: (Echo) YOU IZ MAH BITCH NOW! HAHAHAHAHA!

Just as they leaned in for a kiss,

BF: God, in his great benevolence, smote Echo with a lighting bolt.

a shrill voice was heard from the upstairs window of the palace: "HEY, YOU DOPES! GET UP HERE! IT'S RAINING!"

BF: Thank you for the weather report, Captain Obvious.

Zuko turned. "MEI! Go away!"

BF: (Sadly) I'd be a rich as Bill Gates if I had a dollar for every time that was said.

Mei waved her arms from the window. "Get in here! There's a storm outside, you're both going to get sick and die!"

BF: (dead-pan) Oh, now wouldn't that be tragic.

"At least we'll be dead together!"

BF: (with lip curled) And the rose grew round the briar.

Echo rolled her eyes. "That's optimistic-" She was silenced by none other than

BF: Batman!

a kiss.
Mei grinned. "Making out in the rain?

BF: (Don Lockwood) Why, that's even BETTER than singin'!

Kinky,

BF: (Zuko) Not as kinky as us getting it on in your bed, Mei! Hahaha!

and I'm oh-so-glad that

BF: New Avatar episodes are coming out soon!

you two are finally getting along so well, but COME ON! GET INSIDE!

BF: Sucking face in public is a criminal offense! Or, in the very least, it's offensive!

Auntie Rae is getting cranky!

BF: (Rae) SOMEONE has been breaking into my medical marijuana stash again!

Guys? GUYS? Pay attention to me!

BF: Isn't that what Mei has been asking for all this fic?

You can make out inside, you don't have to do it out there...

BF: (Mei) The Joneses will see!

oh, come ON! ECHO! ZUKO! I'm not going to stay here and yell forever!

BF: Does anyone REALLY believe that last claim?

Listen to me!

BF: More of Mei's cries for help.

STOP! Come inside! Oh, forget it..."
She closed the window and looked at Kino on her bed. "It's just like I told you. They're hopelessly, pathetically in love."

BF: GODDAMN YOU. Zuko wouldn't have finally caved in if you hadn't been repeating that like a mantra for the past gazillion chapters.

Mei picked up her cat.

BF: By the tail.
(Mei) Now...which end do I talk to?

"And that's exactly the way it should be, isn't it?"

BF: NO. YOU ARE DEFYING THE NATURAL ORDER OF THINGS.

"Meow!"

BF: Translation: "Stop talking into my ass."

Mei smiled and put him down. "You know, I really do think that my horrible dreams were wrong, now.

BF: I don't know. This fic looks like a nightmare to me....

Things are going well, for once."

BF: Not for me, man! Not for me!

"Meow!"

BF: Translation: "Put me down. I need to go lick my paw some more. No, I'm not obsessive compulsive. Shut up."

She dumped him

BF: To her, love was just a game.

back on her bed and looked out the window, grinning. A very, very irritated Raeona was ushering Zuko and Echo back inside.

BF: (Rae) Go be disgusting somewhere else!

Mei could swear she heard the three of them cursing from all the way up here.

BF: (Rae) Beepity-Beep!
(Echo) Honk Honk!
(Zuko) AAAAOOOOOOOOGAH!

After changing into her nightgown,

BF: A little lacy something she picked up at Victoria's Secret.

Mei hopped in bed, gave Kino a pat on the head, and yawned. "Things are going to be okay...I told you so, Kino, didn't I?"

BF: (Kino) You also told me there would be liver for dinner tonight, but that didn't happen!

The cat yawned as well, and curled up beside her. Mei gave his black fur a final stroke before drifting off into what was, for once, a dreamless, peaceful sleep.

BF: Soooo unlike this fic.

"So...how are things going with you and that Haru guy?"

BF: (Aang) Any hanky-panky I should know of?

Katara stopped mid-bite and looked at Aang, a mix of surprise and confusion on her face.

BF: Quick, someone snap a picture!

"I...well...why are you asking me this, Aang?" She frowned. "And why is it always 'that Haru guy'? Why can't you just call him Haru?"

BF: Because no one can escape the dark vortex of OOCness.

The Avatar shrugged. "Oh, I don't know..."

BF: (Aang) I'm not being too informal, am I? Maybe I should go back to calling him ‘Haru-san'?

"You're not...jealous or anything, are you?"

BF: (Aang, thinking) Ack! Has Katara caught wind of my crush for Haru?

"Me? Jealous?" Aang stuck his nose in the air, then turned away. "You have got to be kidding."

BF: That's Echo's gig!

Katara rolled her eyes and got back to eating lunch.

BF: Katara had been eating nothing but Subway sandwiches for a week, determined to lose those extra few pounds.

Aang studied her,

BF: Being certain he took good notes.

and seconds later, he had an idea.

BF: (Aang) Okay, so if you attached a ball to a paddle with a string....

"I was wondering...I need an Earthbending teacher. Do you think Haru would teach me?"

BF: (Bumi) But I thought... ;_;
(BF) It's okay, King Bumi. I'm here for you.

"I thought you hated him." Munch, munch.

BF: Went the Very Hungry Caterpillar.

"And besides, he's not even a Master yet.

BF: He's got not one single servant!

Why don't you have Tyro teach you?"

BF: (Aang) No way. Tyro keeps asking me to pet his beard. It's freaking me out.

Why, so you could hang out with Haru and not me?

BF: (Aang, despaired) It's the hair, isn't it?

The more time Haru spends with me, the less time he spends with you. Even if that means I don't get to hang out with you as much...

BF: (Aang) More Haru for me!

I'm so confused.

BF: So am I. When did kawaii Aang suddenly get all spiteful?

His logic was twisted,

BF: Almost as twisted as Arekisu!

he had to admit. But it was the only plan he could come up with at the moment.

BF: That didn't involve whisking Katara away on his flying contraption.

Desperate times call for desperate measures, after all.

BF: What do desperate fics call for, I wonder? MiSTings?

Aang shrugged. "I don't know. Tyro seems kind of busy, what with the war and everything..."

BF: (Tyro, chugging beer at local pub) Yeah, uh, *war*...

"That's true," Katara said thoughtfully. "Okay, Aang. I'll ask Haru to teach you."
"No, I'll ask him!" Aang hopped up from the bench and scrambled away before Katara could say another word.

BF: Hehe, Aang's pretty eager to spend some time with the bishy earthbender.
(Aang) Um, say, can you try lifting that heavy rock over there? With your shirt off?

"All right, then..." Katara got back to eating her lunch.

BF: (Katara) Gotta watch my portions...or I'll never go down a dress size!

She'd ask Aang what his problem was after she was finished eating.

BF: (Echo) Be sure to wait an hour after eating before you unnecessarily confront someone on an awkward and difficult subject!

Though, in the back of her mind, she already knew.

BF: Aang had an uncontrollable lust for Haru!

He's totally jealous of Haru! What next?

BF: (hollowly) Oh boy, can't wait!

***

Chapter Nineteen, "Mister Brightside"

"Okay, show me your hands!"

BF: (Cop) Where I can see ‘em!

"Why do you need to see our hands?"

BF: To see who’s been putting hand prints in the wet cement again!

Mei had one hand clamped over her eyes,

BF: Why can it not be the mouth?

and the other was holding a tray of food.

BF: And a whole lot of asprin for Zuko.

"Because, I'm not going to look at either of you if your hands are...anywhere inappropriate."

BF: (Zuko, as Mei blindly gropes at his crotch) Look, if anyone’s touching inappropriately, it’s you.

"We're under a blanket, you dunce."

BF: Hence Mei will have to satisfy herself only with silhouettes.
(Mei) Hey, brother, where’s Echo? Oh, there she is! Didn’t see her down there!

Zuko sat up and sneezed,

BF: Someone’s been talking smack about you, Zuko.
(Zhao) Did you SEE how pussywhipped he was last chapter? Hahaha!

then wiped his nose.

BF: On Echo.
(Zuko) It’s what I keep her around for.

"Just give us our food."

BF: Why is Mei serving them, anyway? Where are all the servants?
(Servants) We ran away to the circus! Whee!

He sneezed again.

BF: (Zhao, choking with laughter) And then he said, “I love you!” BWAHAHAHAHA!

Maybe the whole 'making out in the rain' thing yesterday really wasn't such a good idea after all...

BF: The rain had failed to wash away the cooties. And it made Echo smell like wet dog.

oh well, at least we get to be lazy and bedridden for a few good days.

BF: (Zuko, faking cough) Yeah, can’t come to the council meeting today...terribly sick...it’s awful... (pats golf clubs)

"Show me your hands first!" Mei shrilled,

BF: (Mei) Know how you can tell if an earthbender has had sex? One of his fingers is clean!
(Zuko) That’s disgusting! And we’re *firebenders*!

her hand firmly planted in front of her eyes.

BF: Jeez, you’d think Iroh just stepped out of the bath or something...

"How are you going to see them if you have your hand over your eyes?" Echo asked

BF: (Mei) With my MIND!

slowly,

BF: Echo doesn’t start chuggin’ till she’s had her morning cup of Jo.

raising an eyebrow.

BF: She didn’t raise both, because Zuko tended to get spiteful when people showed off their *two* eyebrows.

She sat up as well, and wiped her nose.

BF: On Zuko.
(Echo) That’s what you get for using me like a cheap throw-away Kleenex!

Zuko pushed her back down.

BF: Wow, Zuko’s forward in the morning.

"You're sick.

BF: Yes. Yes she is.

Don't get up."

BF: (Zuko) Yeah...just stay there...play dead.

"You're sick too,

BF: With OOCitus! It looks like it might be terminal!

and you're getting up!"

BF: (Zuko, averting eyes) Look, it’s like that every morning. Just give it a few minutes and it will go back down again.

"But I'm going to go pummel the shit out of Mei because she's not giving

BF: Him a moment of rest? A bit of dignity? A shred of privacy?

us our food!"

BF: (rolls eyes) Of all the reasons. Oh well. Beggars can’t be choosers. Go get ‘er, Zuko!

"I want to help!"

BF: Me too!
(KILL MEI NOW CLUB) Us three!

"No!"
"Yes!"
"No!"
"Yes!"

BF: (singing) You say “goodbye”, I say “Hello”!

"All right, already!" Mei uncovered her eyes for half a second...long enough to

BF: Burn the image of them together into her mind.

put the tray down on the bed.

BF: She would have put the tray on Zuko’s lap, but feared it might tip over.

Echo seized a roll

BF: Of Mei’s baby fat and shook it.
(Echo) I’ve been wanting to do that forever!

off the tray and bit into it. "Mm, it's still warm!"

BF: Mei had been sitting on it the whole time.
(Echo) It has a bit of a nutty flavor.

"Considering how long

BF: (Zuko) We bickered like a pair of nimrods...

Mei was standing there yelling at us, that's quite a surprise."

BF: SHOCK as we find the rolls still warm! BE THRILLED at the continual plot twists guaranteed to keep you guessing!

As Echo continued eating,

BF: (Echo, zombie-like) Must...feed...life...inside...me....

Zuko hopped off the bed and went over to Mei, then waved a hand in front of her face.

BF: (Zuko) Uh-uh, girlfriend, no you didn’t!

Mei, whose hand still was

BF: Feeling around on Zuko.
(Mei) These breasts are firmer and bigger than Echo’s...must be brother!

shielding her eyes,

BF: One look at Zuko’s shapely chest would cause her to explode in a fangasm.

didn't budge.

BF: (Zuko, thinking) She already given us the food...why doesn’t she leave?
(Mei, thinking) If he doesn’t tip me right now, I’m spitting in his next meal.

Zuko grinned, quite evilly, and put his foot up on the bed,

BF: (Zuko, to Echo) Trick or Treat, smell my feet, give me something good eat!

pushing it up and down,

BF: Uuuuup and dooooown....

the frame making horrible squeaky noises.

BF: (Mattress Salesperson) You here that sound? That’s a terrible. If you want a good nights sleep, try our new Delux Comfort mattress line!

Echo, her mouth full,

BF: Of Zuko.

was getting annoyed.

BF: (Echo) Leg meh breeb, dumbashk!

"Oomph-oomph-OW! Stop it, not so hard, you're going to break the bed!"

BF: (Salesperson) And while you’re checking out our great selection of mattresses, why don’t I show you some of our bedframes? These are guaranteed to never break, no matter HOW wild your sex gets!

"OH GOD!" Mei, of course, was

BF: Totally getting off on the whole scene.
(Zuko) Wow. Orgasm in under 15 seconds. You should join the Minute Men!

mistaking the noises for something totally different.

BF: (Mei) They’re having crazy fun pillow fights without me!

Blindly, she turned and ran for the door...

BF: (Mei, singing) Last thing I remember, I was running for the door. I had to find the passage back to the place I was before. “ Relax,” said the nightman, “We are programed to receive. You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave...”

smacking

BF: Into the doorframe!

into the door frame

BF: Hey! HEY! My joke! Mine!

as she did so and falling backward with a high-pitched shriek.

BF: Little was it known that doorframes were Mei’s secret weakness!
(Mei) I’m melting, melting...oh what an AU world...

Zuko took his foot off the bed

BF: (Echo) Good. Now I have the whole thing to myself.

and doubled over, howling with laughter.

BF: (singing) Aaaaoooooooooh, werewolf of London!

"Oh God...that was hysterical...you thought we were...you MORON!"

BF: Ahem. The correct terminology in this case is “horn-dog”, not “moron”.

"Asshole!" Mei scrambled to her feet.

BF: You know, it’s rather refreshing to see Zuko finally getting revenge for all the agony Mei has caused!

Echo was still stuffing her face,

BF: You know, most unmarried women stay thin because they take a look in the fridge and then go to bed, while most married women get fat because they take a look in the bed and go to the fridge. But that doesn’t make sense with Echo—she’s got a super hot husband around!

and Zuko was looking about ready to collapse from all of his maniacal cackling.

BF: (Zuko, looking around with pinky to mouth) Laugh with me, laugh with me!

And so, Mei did what most girls do when a male bastard

BF: (long silence fills page) ...Now, I know Zuko IS bastardized in this fic, but hearing him actually called that made my heart sink. No, really, it did.

is off guard...she

BF: Scored a point of his rebound!

kicked him one between the legs.

BF: TT_TT I...I just...that is so WRONG...Arekisu...how could you...you really DO hate Zuko, don’t you? If the REAL Zuko was here, he would totally kick your ass.
(Real Zuko) Kick whose ass?
(BF) ACK! Zuko, don’t look! Let’s have tea!
(Zuko) Out of the way, wench. (Shoves BF aside and reads above) ................
(BF) Must find bomb shelter...quickly!
(Zuko, absolutely SEETHING) ....To whoever wrote this: I will find you, I will challenge you to Agni Kai for dishonoring me, and then I will DESTROY YOU.
(BF) I’monlythemessengerohgodohgodohgodpleaseletmesurvivepleaseplease...

Zuko immediately dropped to his knees, and clutched himself, his voice unusually squeaky. "You little bitch...I'm going to kill you!"

BF: (Real Zuko, deadly serious) Yes...I am going to kill you.
(BF) I don’t know whether to cry for Zuko or for my safety! ;_;

Mei grinned triumphantly.

BF: I’m getting PRETTY DAMN TIRED of her always having the upper hand in the end. I’d really like to see her in a sticky situation she can’t get out of. Preferable inflicted by Zuko.
(Iroh) Yes, I agree. I always keep an extra ace up my sleeve, yet she *still* manages to beat me in Poker!

"There's always adoption, brother dear."
"What?"

BF: Yes, let’s KILL MEI NOW and adopt you a new sister! (Leafs through adoption catalog) Oh, look, here’s one: “Azula: Female, Age 15. Attractive physically, tends towards sadism and bloodlust.” She’ll fit right in!

"Y'know, if that caused you to...oh, I don't know..."

BF: Worldwide, Avatar fangirls began to weep at the loss.

Zuko looked at her, eyes wide. "That's not possible, is it?"

BF: Better consult the frank and beans, buddy.

Echo frowned. "If that's the case, I'm sorry, Mei, but I'm going to have to find something sharp to impale you with."

BF: AND WHY HAVE YOU NOT DONE THIS BEFORE???

"I didn't kick him that hard!" Mei protested, backing away. "I'm sure it still works!"

BF: Echo, I’m sure if you put enough “blow” into your blow job, those dents will pop right out!

"It had better, or you're going to be sorry." Echo grabbed her hairbrush off the nightstand and examined it. "If not,

BF: (Echo) I’ll be forced to use this as a makeshift dildoh!

this is certainly sharp enough to stab you with."

BF: Hairbrushes? Sharp? Yeah, sharp like Echo’s wit!

"Well then it's a good thing you're already pregnant

BF: (sardonically) Oh. Yes. Good.

but why don't you

BF: Go commit harakiri?

try and see if it still works

BF: (Echo) Hmm...(pops Zuko’s manhood-hood) Just as I thought. Lack of testosterone due to OOC cloggage.

before you kill me okay I'm leaving now goodbye!" Mei fled.

BF: Probably off to give Sokka a kick in the nuts.
(Sokka) Please. I get enough abuse from Suki.

Echo put the brush down, and looked at Zuko sympathetically...

BF: She remembered what it had felt like...before the surgery...

he was currently a writhing, moaning heap on the floor.

BF: (weeping) That’s it. We’ve reached rock bottom. Arekisu can do no worse to him.

"You know, dear, you really did deserve that..."

BF: (in a rage) $#&*@ YOU, ECHO! Why, WHY does Zuko deserve this? WHY???

"Shut up." Zuko staggered to his feet and flopped down on his back on the bed.

BF: Don’t take it lying down! Have Mei kicked a hundred times in her genitalia! That will teach her some respect!
(Ozai) I like the way you think.
(BF, coldly) ...No mercy. No mercy.

With a grin, Echo poked him. "So...can I check for damage?"

BF: Check between your ears, hon.

"After I eat."

BF: (Zuko) Need fuel...to begin...healing testicles...

"What's the matter with you?"
"Nothing."

BF: (Zuko) Oh, nuthin’, just got kicked in the nuts and ain’t doing a damn thing about it, even though the real me would incinerate everything within a half a mile radius if that ever actually happened. Just OOCness, basically.

"There's something the matter."

BF: Well, I would guess maybe it’s the burning sensation in his nuts, but seeing as he’s been robbed of them long ago, I’m not sure...

Echo pushed the tray over to him. "Come on, it couldn't have hurt that badly, could it?"

BF: (Zuko, kicking Echo between the legs) I dunno. You tell me.

Zuko gave her an incredibly sinister look. "You have no idea."

BF: I don’t think Arekisu knows. To any guys reading this, I’m sorry.

"Well...okay, Katara. But it doesn't feel right."
"What doesn't?"

BF: (Haru) Being on top. I prefer being on the bottom. If you don’t mind.

Haru levitated a few pebbles in his hand absently. "Teaching Aang to Earthbend."

BF: (Tyro) Remember son, never teach foreigners our arts! It is forbidden!

Katara frowned. "Why not?"
"I don't know. He doesn't seem to like me very much."

BF: (Haru) He keeps telling me all those accidents were "just the wind", but I’m beginning to think otherwise...

Shivering, Katara gathered her legs up and wrapped her arms around her knees.

BF: Palaties helped sooth the raging lust.

"I should really go talk to him." She turned and looked at the setting sun,

BF: (Zim) Do not stare directly into it, human! Or your eyes shall crust over in terrible scabs! SCABS! And then how will you find your way home?

feeling the slightest bit calmed by the sight.

BF: (Comic Book Guy from Simpsons, irritably) Could it BE any more ORANGE?

The snow and ice surrounding them even seemed to warm, but not melt, of course.

BF: If it melted, Frosty would have to go away forever!

The temperature was still subzero, after all...

BF: Serveral times Katara had nearly taken an eye out with her chilled nipples.

"He's...I don't know what's wrong with him, Haru."

BF: I’ll give you a hint: It begins with an “O” and ends with a “ut of character”.

"He's jealous."

BF: How Aang had longed for Haru’s bronze complexion!

Katara had been thinking the exact same thing, but that didn't stop the feeling of shock when Haru came out and actually said it.

BF: It’s funny—that’s exactly how I felt after hearing Zuko called a bastard.

She looked at him, wide-eyed. "You think so?"

BF: (Haru) I don’t know. But the repeated attempts at my life are starting to make me think so...

A nod. "Yes."
"Why would he be jealous of you?"

BF: His long, silky tresses.
(Katara) Even I’M jealous!

Haru was silent for a moment or two. "I really like you, Katara."

BF: (Katara, backing away) Respect the bubble! The bubble!

"I really like you too, Haru."

BF: (Katara) As a friend.
(Haru) >_< It’s always as a friend!

Katara looked away. "But..."

BF: But whaaaaat?

"So what's there to be afraid of?

BF: The big, bad wolf?

You showed me to act on my feelings, remember?

BF: (Tyro) Ever since that girl showed up he’s been humping random people. It’s getting embarrassing.

To stand up for what I believe in?"

BF: (Haru) ANARCHY!
(Tyro) Calm down, son!
(Haru) You’re working for the Man, aren’t you?

"But what does that have to do with us?"

BF: (singing) What’s love got to do, got to do with it?

"It has everything to do with us.

BF: (Haru) I mean, especially since your philosophies are what inspired me to bust out of prison!

If we feel the same and Aang doesn't like it, then we have to stand up to him."

BF: Stand up to him? He’s, like, a foot shorter than you!
(Sokka) And he’s just a goofy kid!

Haru put his hand on hers.

BF: (Haru, singing) When I feel that somethin’...I think you’ll understand; that when I feel that somethin’...I wanna hold your hand!

"Even if it hurts."

BF: (Haru and Katara) Look, Aang...this is going to hurt us a lot more than it will you...
(Aang) No, it won’t!
(Haru and Katara) -_-;; ........why does he have to make things difficult?

Katara looked at him...electric blue eyes met jade green ones.

BF: Looks like Arekisu’s been picking up her purple prose from nail polish bottles.

"I don't know about this..."
"Please, Katara..."

BF: Jeez, you’d think Haru was trying to get to home base or something.
(Jet) I taught him well.

Their lips met. Katara quickly pulled away and looked at him, eyes wide. "Haru..."

BF: (Katara) Put on some chapstick! Yikes!

Haru looked at her, brows furrowed in genuine concern. "Katara?"

BF: Genuine? WHATEVER!
(Haru) Hey, shut up, you’re ruining my sincerity!

She leaned against him, her body shivering with sobs. "I feel like I've betrayed him..."

BF: Said Katara as she spooned against Haru. That FLOOZY!

"You haven't betrayed him, Katara. You haven't."

BF: (Haru) Even though you’re totally feeling me up right now.

Haru put an arm around her, looking and feeling quite lost.

BF: Wow. Only one kiss in and already we’re seeing the Morning After...

He tried to find the words, but none would come to him.

BF: (Haru, in whisper) Pssst! Arekisu! What’s my line?

He opened his mouth to speak, but again, he couldn't find anything to say that would comfort the girl he loved so dearly.

BF: (Haru, panicked) PSSST! WHAT’S MY LINE?

"I'm sorry," he murmured into her hair.

BF: (Katara) Why are you apologizing to my scalp?

Katara didn't speak...

BF: Realizing the whole situation was quite ludicrous.
(Katara, thinking) If I ignore it, maybe it will go away.

she just kept shaking,

BF: Shake it girl, shake it girl! Just make sure you don’t break it, girl!

crying into his shoulder, crying from the depths of her heart...

BF: Blegh...this is starting to sound like a Britney Spears song.

betrayal, her mind screamed at her.

BF: Betrayers go to the ninth circle of Hell, Katara! Hope you enjoy an eternity of miserable frozen wasteland!
(Katara) Oh...so I’ll be moving to the South Pole Ghettos?
(BF) .........

You know how Aang feels about you!

BF: Which automatically obligates her to only have eyes for him? If we ran that sort of logic in Fushigi Yugi, Miaka would NEVER get any!
(Miaka) So many hot guys...but can’t sleep with any...mustn’t betray them....(EXPLODES)

Haru had never heard such a sad wail,

BF: Moaning Myrtle plays Katara in “Detours”!

and he willed himself to stay calm.

BF: (Haru, thinking) Okaaaay, she’s really starting to freak me out...Calm yourself, Haru! Waterbenders can smell fear a mile away!

"I'll always be here for you, Katara. I promise."

BF: (snorts) Why don’t you seal that promise with a ring, Haru?

"I know." Katara took a deep breath, before her sobbing quieted. "I know..."

BF: As she patted the handcuffs linking Haru to her.

All the while, Aang was watching from afar.

BF: Wow. Haven’t seen voyeurism like this since...Mei.

He dug his hands into Appa's fur,

BF: (Appa, significantly) OW.

a rage coming over him that he'd never before experienced in his life.

BF: His IC life, anyway.

He needed a plan.

BF: An escape plan. From this fic.

And he needed one now.

BF: Patience is a virtue, Aang! No wonder Katara dumped you!

BF: Okay, we had our “Humiliate Zuko” scene, and we’ve had our “Aang-Katara-Haru Awkward Love Triangle” scene...so, this last third is either going to be a “Mei Bugging the Shit out of Sokka and Suki” scene or “Crazy-Ass WANGST” scene. Let’s read and find out!

"I find this entire situation to be oddly hilarious."

BF: I find this whole fic’s premise oddly hilarious. In a morbid sort of way.
Whomever: Yes, I find it hilarious too how someone who has Zuko as her favorite character, has every other scene mutilating his personality.
BF: Have you ever heard of “Tough Love”?

"What, you mean the fact that he won't let me get up?"

BF: (Zuko) I like to pretend Echo is on her deathbed. It cheers me up.

"That, and how paranoid and overprotective he's being."

BF: ...Of his wounded dignity.
(Zuko, wearing iron pants) Hahaha, no one can kick me in the nads NOW! HA HA HA HA! O_<;;

Echo grumbled and shifted in the bed.

BF: (Echo) Stupid lumpy mattress. You’d think, being in the Royal Family of the most powerful and wealthiest nation on the planet, that we’d have access to decent mattresses and non-squeaky bedframes!

"Thanks for your support, Mei. I really appreciate it."

BF: (Echo) You’re like the Push-Up bra for my spirit.

Cheerily, the little princess closed the book she was reading.

BF: “How to get Laid in Twenty Days”!

"You're quite welcome, sister dear!"
"Stop being so chipper. You're making me nauseous."

BF: Seriously. When did we fall in a Victorian tea party or something?

Mei shrugged. "So what else is new? And where's brother?"

BF: Mei must know where her brother is at all times so she can go antagonize him at her whim.

"Doing some war things. How should I know?"

BF: Check the tracking device you planted on him.
(Zuko) My ass is beeping again...

Echo frowned. "War things? What kind of 'war things'?"

BF: (Zuko, playing board game) My viking raiders totally kicked your samurai army’s ass!
(Iroh, disgruntled) Hmph!

She put down another card chip on her nightstand...Iroh had explained how to play this solitaire game to her, and he described it as being "quite useful when one is trying to

BF: Combat boredom on the ship.

ignore the latest howling fit of rage from Zuko."

BF: (Iroh, playing solitaire) Hm. It appears Zuko is about to burn down several buildings. Maybe I should play harder.

That strategy, it seemed, was not only good for ignoring Zuko, but for ignoring Mei as well.

BF: (Mei) Are you listening?
(Echo) What? Sorry, the game’s too loud!

Needless to say, neither of them liked being ignored.

BF: They’re like a pair of Siamese cats....

Mei frowned and tossed her book aside.

BF: Hitting Echo’s skull.

"I don't know what kind of 'war things'. Auntie Rae said that it's nothing a princess should be concerned with, so I never ask."

BF: Auntie Rae! I oughtta go Betty Friedan on your ass!

"Oh? Is that so? You always ask ."

BF: (Echo)...the stupidest questions.
(Mei) Why do men have nipples?
(Echo) Well, where else would you put the nipple clamps during foreplay?

Dramatically, the princess flipped a lock of hair.

BF: (snidely) She HAS any hair?

"Oh well..."
Echo cocked

BF: Her doodle.

her head and studied Mei...in the months and months

BF: Aaaaaaaand months...

that she'd been at the Fire Nation capital, she noticed that Mei had changed quite a bit in appearance.

BF: The arrival of an Adam’s apple was rather alarming to Echo.

The little girl seemed a bit taller; her hair was a bit longer, as well. When Echo had arrived, Mei's hair had looked, as Zuko had put it, "ridiculous"...and for once, Echo agreed with him.

BF: I think they can both agree that Mei is a royal pain in the ass, too.

Mei's hair had been ear-length on one side, and chin-length on the other;

BF: Which, as said before, turned out soooo KAWAII in her fandrawings.

Raeona had later explained that one day Mei had decided to chop her braid off.

BF: Better than heads, I suppose...

"She used to have such beautiful hair," Raeona had said. "Just like her mother's...

BF: (Mei) Thank god I inherited the hair and not the name.

she'd keep in long and thrown over one shoulder.

BF: Isn’t that Rae’s hairdo? Or hair-don’t?

It was like that, braided, when Mei chopped it off...so that's why it's so horribly uneven.

BF: And here I was thinking it was because Mei has poor scissor control.

And she won't let me touch it. At least I can still manage to pull it into buns for royal ceremonies..."

BF: (Mei) I hate having it up in buns, though!
(Rae, scolding) I won’t have you looking indecent, young lady! It’s either the buns or the powdered wig, you hear?

Mei's hair was longer now...it could be more easily gathered into a ponytail, though that one little strand in the front was always, always hanging down. It was somewhat of a trademark for Mei.

BF: Her signature “cutesy-puke” look.

Along with being a tomboy, that is.

BF: (Sailor Jupiter) Phht. Tomboy? Whatever, honey!

And, just looking at her, Echo was once again reminded strikingly of Zuko.

BF: (Zuko) Don’t compare me to her. Or else.

Dark hair, brilliant eyes, a slender body...and never seen dressed in any other color but reds.

BF: (Mei) Green is so bad for my pale complexion!

But, she noted, everyone in the Fire Nation seemed to always be wearing some shade of red…Echo included.

BF: Everybody must wear red. It is “The Way”.
(Shopkeeper) Look at that girl over there! Wearing purple!
(Customer) What a FREAK!

Echo herself didn't feel very different...apart from the nausea,

BF: Too much bad fic will do that to ya.

mood swings,

BF: That’s...actually pretty normal for her.

and weird cravings for weird foods, that is.

BF: (Echo) BRING ME LYCHEE NUTS!

Her brown hair was

BF: Nappy.

long, and she hardly noticed if it grew or not...it wasn't something that concerned her terribly, because

BF: She was more concerned about growth in other areas.
(Echo) Damn you, puberty, stop being a cheapskate! Give me my breasts, dammit!

she'd either leave it down or pull it back in a bun.

BF: Her hairstyles had become so predictable the palace servants held daily bets on how she would wear it.

As far as her body went...she looked down at herself.

BF: (Echo) I am never going to shed this preggo-weight.

At seven months along, she hardly even looked pregnant.

BF: Maybe she isn’t pregnant. Maybe she just has really built up gas.

Raeona said it was nothing to worry about...that Echo was just naturally skinny, and the baby would be a bit small, and that was something they could deal with.

BF: Skinny mom = automatically small baby? Noooo...seriously, Rae, if Echo’s got slim hips, you’d better be damned worried about her passin’ a baby. Unless you want her to die. Which is completely understandable.

Zuko, however, wasn't exactly convinced.

BF: Zuko’s a dude, and he knows more about the dangers of childbirth than Rae!
(Zuko) You’d think my aunt would learn after Mei and my mother and all, but nuuuuu...

When he wasn't coming upstairs every half an hour to see if Echo was

BF: Dead yet.

still in bed, he was trying to shove food down her throat.

BF: (Zuko, thinking evilly) I’ll just say she “choked”...yeah. Hehe.

"Eat it!" he'd say, shoving a plate at her. "You're eating for two, now!

BF: Gotta nourish that little parasite growing in you!

Don't be so selfish and just eat it, even if you're not hungry!

BF: (Zuko) We’ll fatten you up in no time, dearie!

Do it, or I'll tell Aunt Rae!"

BF: (Echo) NO!
(Zuko, whiny) I’m tellllllllling on yoooouuuu!!!

When she'd refuse,

BF: (Echo) Ew! I hate oakra!

naturally he'd drag Raeona or Iroh up the stairs...

BF: (Zuko) Here, eat these two.

but the two of them, having to deal with him all the time, stopped trying to convince him that there was nothing to worry about

BF: (Iroh, giving in) Yeah, she’ll probably die. Now will you give us a rest?

a long, long time ago.

BF: In a galaxy far, far away.

And so, Echo would eat, or face Zuko's wrath.

BF: (Zuko) No dessert until I see your plate is CLEAN!

Mei blinked. "What are you staring at?"

BF: Mei’s chest.

Echo shook her head. "Nothing, nothing!"

BF: Nice save, Echo.

"Listen...oh, you're in for it."
"In for what?"

BF: Oh my. The fangirls of Zuko have found out what you’ve done, Echo, and they’re coming for your head!

The princess paused, then a grin crossed her face. She heard footsteps coming up the stairs.

BF: (Mei) Santa? It’s Santa, isn’t it?

"Five...four...three...two..."

BF: Mei lists her favorite Kids Next Door.

"ECHO!"

BF: (Zuko, listening hard) Echo, echo, echo! Hmmm....Oh! Yod-ee-lod-ee-lay-hee-hoo!

"Meep!" Echo pulled the blanket over her head as Zuko stomped into the room, twitching with rage.

BF: (Magnanimous for Megas XLR) You gave me this horrible twitch!

"What's the matter, brother?" Mei asked sweetly, swinging her dangling legs on the chair. "Did my cat beat you up again? I'll have to go give him a treat."

BF: (Kino) It’s nothing personal, pal. Just business.

"Of course not," Zuko scoffed. "I just saw that the plate I-"

BF: (Zuko) ...was supposed to give to the dog that I actually gave to Echo!
(Echo) You know, I *thought* the food was better than usual today.

"I couldn't finish it all!" Echo protested. "I swear, I just can't eat that much food!"

BF: (Echo) It’s too much effort to puke out later!

Zuko raised an eyebrow. "That's not what I was going to say, but all right..."

BF: So then, Zuko, why ARE you here?
(Zuko) I just like bellowing her name.

Echo blinked. "All right? That's all you're going to say? I didn't finish my food and you're not going to come in here and try to jam a plate into my mouth?"
"Uh..." Zuko shook his head slowly. "No..."

BF: (Zuko) I was going to jam an IV into your arm. That way, you’ll get the nutrients you and the mini-me need without anymore yelling on my part.

Mei's eyes widened. "Holy crap! I need to write this on the calendar!

BF: (Mei, fussing over calender) Oh, hey...uncle’s birthday was last week.
(Iroh, in small voice) Happy Birthday...to me.... ;_;

What's today's date again?

BF: (Hulk Hogan) Today’s the day you’re going DOWN, sucka!

Oh, right...

BF: (Mei) I’m illiterate anyway!
(Echo) Weren’t you reading a moment ago?
(Mei) Pictures tell me all I need to know.

forget it, I know." She hopped off her chair, grabbed a pen, ran over to the wall calendar and scribbled (huge letters in the little square),

BF: Mei’s eyes were starting to go bad already...

saying aloud as she wrote, "Zuko...isn't...being...pigheaded....

BF: As rare an occasion as Mei not being annoying.

Zuko snatched the pen away. "I'm not pigheaded!"
"You think you're always right, isn't that what pigheadedness is?"

BF: (Porco Rosso) Eh, well, ya see...

"Is pigheadedness even a word?"

BF: Oh Webster, part thy pages and bestow upon us thy knowledge!

"Yeah it is, I just made it up!"

BF: (Homer Simpson) Yeah, I make up words too.

"I believe it, your brain is too small to use correct language when you speak!"

BF: (Mei, outraged) Me? Bad at proper English? But that’s unpossible!

"Your brain is so small that-"

BF: (Mei, cattily) It uses a cheerio as a floating device!

"Well, you're so dumb that-ECHO!

BF: ...looks good! Now that’s dumb!

Get back on that bed!"

BF: (Zuko) Pregnant women aren’t capable of anything other than eating or breathing!

Echo had hobbled off the bed. "No." She now was staring out the window, with her elbow on the windowsill, and her cheek in her hand, emerald eyes gazing at the setting sun.

BF: (Magic Mirror) Or, you can choose bachelorette number three, PRINCESS FIONA! (Does a double take) Wait a minute! This isn’t her!

Zuko frowned. She didn't seem to have heard him.

BF: Ah, selective hearing!

"Echo!"
She turned. "What?"

BF: (Zuko) Check your battery!

"I told you to get back in bed."
"I know. I'm ignoring you. You're not the boss of me." Grinning, she stuck out her tongue.

BF: (Echo, singing) You’re not the boss of me, now! You’re not the boss of me, now! You’re not the boss of me, now, and you’re not so big!
(Zuko) Yeah, actually, I AM. I’m Fire Lord, biotch.
(Echo, singing sadly) Life is unfair...

Zuko, however, only continued to frown. "I'm trying to take care of you."

BF: (Zuko, singing) I been takin’ care of business!

"That's not easy for him to do, either," Mei piped up, "and you can tell because he's going over the top with this whole 'protection' thing...

BF: (Zuko, still singing) And working overtime!

if only he would have done the same when you two were-"

BF: Hehe, like father like son, I guess.
(Ozai) If only I had remembered to bring condoms to our second honeymoon, we could have avoided Mei altogether!

WHACK! "Mei, good God, will you shut up?"

BF: HOW MANY TIMES HAVE *I* SAID THAT?

"Fine, ya prude." Mei rubbed the back of her head, muttered a long string of curse words, and left the room.

BF: Yeah, anyone who doesn’t like to publicly indulge in their private life is a total prude. (Shakes head)

Zuko walked over to Echo. "You should really be-"

BF: (Zuko) Dead by now. I’ve put enough poison in your food to kill a Kimodo Rhino.

She turned around abruptly and grabbed him by the elbows.

BF: Oh, Echo, surely you can think of a more interesting place to grab?
(Echo) You sound like Mei. And don’t call me Shirly.

"I'm fine. Listen to me. You need to calm down."

BF: Deep breaths, Zuko, deep breaths!

"I'm calm!"

BF: Calm Like a Bomb!

Echo snorted. "You're never calm. You're always worked up about little things...

BF: (Echo) You should read “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff...and It’s All Small Stuff”! It’s changed MY life!

something or other. Really stupid things...worthless things!"

BF: (Echo) Kinda like me, actually.

"Your health isn't worthless, nor is it 'a little thing'. It might be to you, but it isn't to me."

BF: (Zuko) Yeah, to me it’s a BIG hindrance.

"Only because the health of your future son or daughter

BF: Or hermaphrodite!

is linked with mine."

BF: (Echo) Until they’re 18. Then I’m kicking them out of the house.

"So what are you saying? That I don't care about you?"

BF: Yeah, that would be suspiciously IC!

With a smirk, Echo nodded jokingly. "That's what I was implying, yes."

BF: Jokingly. Sure.

However, Zuko caught the most miniscule trace of seriousness in her voice... and that was what drove him over the edge.

BF: And now everything goes to hell in a handbasket.

He twisted away from her, clearly hurt, yet trying to contain himself.

BF: (Zuko, biting lip) Big boys don’t cry, big boys don’t cry!

He felt like exploding...

BF: (Gir) Aww...I wanted to explode.

he couldn't control his anger any longer.

BF: (Iroh) I never realized he did in the first place

"I care about you! Don't think I don't! Don't ever think that!"

BF: (Zuko) And while you’re at it, just don’t think at all!

Echo‘s eyes widened. "I know, I just-"

BF: (Echo) ...like the sound of your yelling!

"You still think I'm a monster! I know you do! It's written all over your face!"

BF: Mei had scribbled it there after she had marked the calendar.

"Zuko, listen to me-"
"No!

BF: Thanks for being cooperative, Zuko.

I've apologized to you,

BF: ...when?

I've begged for forgiveness,

BF: uh...

I've tried everything to win you back,

BF: eh...am I losing memory? When did that happen?

but you're still fucking scared to death of me, aren't you? I'm a goddamned monster!"

BF: (Esmeralda) No, you’re not! Don’t listen to what Frollo says! You’re a wonderful person!

Zuko covered the scarred side of his face with his hand.

BF: Should I be having visions of the Phantom of the Opera?

"Do I suit you better like this, huh?

BF: (Zuko) With a hand attached to my face?!

When I don't have this horrible, disfiguring mutation across my face,

BF: Mutation? *Scar*.
(Ozai) Damn right! I gave him good genes and bad parenting, not the other way around!

can you still tell that I'm a monster on the inside?

BF: What? Zuko’s a Jinchuuriki? (spazzes)

A wife-beater?

BF: Zuko’s a thin, white undershirt? Good lord!

Can you, Echo? CAN YOU?"

BF: Uh, after this last list little crazy rant, I’d say she does now.

Echo was whimpering, shaking, not bothering to wipe the tears flowing down her face as she whispered,

BF: "I see dead people..."

"You know I don't think

BF: ...at all.

that...I don't think

BF: ...ever.

that at all." She stepped over, reached for his hand, and pried it off the side of his face.

BF: (Echo, tugging at hand) Man...this thing is really stuck...what’d you do, hot-glue it on?

"I could never think that

BF: ...hard.

about you."
Zuko kept his lips pursed,

BF: Flaunting the “pouty” look.

not speaking a word. His heart thudded in his chest...

BF: If it thudded anywhere else, I’d be worried.

her words repeated over and over in the back of his mind. "Screw you, you goddamned son of a bitch! Your beloved fire is going to burn you in hell! You're the most obnoxious thing ever to have lived, and you have that fucking scar on your ugly face to prove it!"

BF: And then he threw her in the dungeon. (fondly) Good times, good times.

He looked at Echo's shaking form.

BF: Put a chocolate milk in her pocket and have her shake it up!

I know she said that, long ago, but...maybe she was right.

BF: Maybe....maybe pigs fly.

She's always been so...utterly pathetic...

BF: Eeeeyup.

and fragile. Breakable.

BF: Don’t forget “frail”. How many more synonyms can we squeeze in to capture Echo’s delicate nature?

If I were to reach out and touch her cheek right now, I'd probably break her...she'd crack and shatter into a million pieces,

BF: I guess Thetis was holding Echo by her cheek when she dipped her into the river Styx.

and I'd be left standing here, hopelessly indulged in this fantasy that

BF: Ding-dong the Echo is finally dead?

one day we'll be happy together.

BF: Yeah...right around the time Sokka discovers he’s actually a bender too.

I am going to burn in hell...for all I've done to her.

BF: Yeah. You are. God does not look fondly on the supporters of the Sues.
(God) Thou shalt not worship any other god before me!

Echo was still looking at him...shivering, shaking, little sobs escaping her lips. "Please say something..."

BF: (Zuko) Something.

Zuko sat down on the bed. "It's hopeless, Echo."
"What's hopeless?"
"You know what." At the confused look on her face, he explained,

BF: (Zuko) This fic, Echo, this fic.

"Us."

BF: That too.

"No..." Echo shook her head in disbelief. "It's not hopeless. It's not!"

BF: Echo’s a permanent resident on Planet Denial.

She sat down next to him, and held out her hand, showing him her wedding ring...the diamonds glowed orange in the setting sun.

BF: (moodily) Does she ever STOP showing off that ring?

Her voice was cracking

BF: (Echo) Oh no! It’s puberty!

with emotion, and she wiped her eyes with her free hand. "It's a promise, remember? Our promise. It's not hopeless.

BF: This fic, however, is.

I don't think so, and I know in your heart you don't really, truly believe that we're hopeless.

BF: (Zuko) Yeah, actually, I do.

And neither does our baby."

BF: (Baby) Stop putting words in my mouth, Mom!

He seemed to have calmed down a bit at this. "I know. It's not hopeless...it just feels like it, sometimes."

BF: (Zuko, bitterly) Like when Mei kicks me in the nuts.

Zuko didn't say anything for a few moments, then, a half-smile crossed his face. "This is so mushy."

BF: That’s what happens when you leave sappy scenes out in the sun for a few days.

Echo actually laughed at this. "I know, isn't it?"

BF: Oh look, everybody’s buddy-buddy again. The chapter must be wrapping up....

"You come up with the sappiest romantic lines in the history of mankind, Echo."

BF: Seriously, she could work for Hallmark writing cards.

"Hey, you were the one who babbled about this ring being a promise."

BF: Yeah, that is pretty corny, Zuko.
(Zuko) ...*sigh* I should have just stuck with “A diamond is forever”.

"Did I, now?"

BF: Zuko’s brain deleted the memory as a self-defense mechanism.

"Yes, and I enjoyed the babble! You're cute when you're sensitive!"

BF: (Echo) I just WUB you when you’re pussywhipped!

"I thought you said that I was always cute."
"Not always..."

BF: Zuko’s not-so-good in the mornings.

"Hey!"
"I said cute, not hot."
"So I'm always hot?"

BF: Hot to trot, that is!

"Not when you're being sensitive, then you're just cute."

BF: Downgrade!

Zuko blinked. "That...made no sense whatsoever. Should I take that as a compliment?"

BF: You should take it and bop Echo over the head with it.

"Uh...yeah!" Echo nodded, got off the bed, and went over to the windowsill.

BF: Wasn’t...she there already?

"So...staring pretty things in nature,

BF: (Echo) Uh-huh. Sure. (Focuses telescope as she aims it towards the Men’s lockeroom window.

mushy romantic lines...

BF: (Echo) Hey, baby, what’s your sign?

you've got this whole 'love' thing down, don't you?"

BF: (Echo) Love? No. But I got beatin’ you down PAT!

Zuko asked, coming up behind Echo and wrapping his arms around her.

BF: Ewww!! (shudders) It’s like every shojo manga I’ve ever read!

Echo nodded again. "But it's not complete without one final thing!"
"What?"

BF: Sextoys!

"You!"
"Okay, that was really mushy. You're a hopeless romantic...I think I'm going to go throw up now."

BF: Me too. Where’s the restroom?

"Go ahead!"
"Before I do, one last thing..."
"What's that?"

BF: (Zuko) Fetch me a beer, wench!

"Will you please lay down and rest?"

BF: (Zuko) All that sap has drained your energy!

Echo rolled her eyes and gave him a kiss.

BF: If this gets any sweeter, I’m going to develop diabetes.

Zuko raised an eyebrow.

BF: With all this eyebrow raising, I’m beginning to suspect this is actually a PBS Murder Mystery Theater.

"So does that mean you'll listen to me?"

BF: Fire Lord, damn you, Fire Lord! EXERT THE POWER!
(Ozai) Pace yourself, will you?

"Don't count on it, love. Don't count on it..."

BF: (Zuko) Okay, how about Mr. Rifle? Feel like listening to him?
(Echo) Ulp!

***

Chapter Twenty, "Unreasonable Doubt"

Mei clutched the coat closer to her,

BF: Determined that Joseph would never have his amazing technicolor dreamcoat back!

shivering in the frigid air.

BF: (Mei, standing in the fridge) Well...this is what the popular kids said I had to do to be “cool”...

It was a chilly autumn morning...for a moment or two, when she stepped out the door, she thought she was going to freeze to death...

BF: I like where this is going...

but she quickly discarded the thought.

BF: It would later be recycled into a paper cup. I wouldn’t drink out of it, though...
(Random Person) EW! This tastes like OC!

It wasn't the trip that worried her...it was her destination.

BF: The DMV.

And her destination was the slums of the capital.

BF: Mei’s going to the ghettos? Bring a gun, honey!

She had her hair messily thrown back in a ponytail, and was wearing her rattiest clothes...well, actually, ratty old clothes of Zuko's that she'd dug up.

BF: ...and dressed her blow-up doll with.

Mei was so small for her age that she fit in the clothes that her brother wore when he was about seven. She was currently dressed in a dirty long-sleeved shirt, thin cloth pants ripped at the knee, tucked into scuffed brown boots.

BF: God, even in peasant attire we aren’t spared the details of an OC’s wardrobe! Why can’t we just say “Mei looks skanky” and leave it at that?

Thank God Aunt Rae didn't see me leave the palace. She would have had a total shit fit.

BF: Like I’ve been having this entire fic.

Mei smirked to herself. But what else is new? I live solely to piss that woman off.

BF: That’s pretty sad. Doesn’t Mei have something BETTER to do with herself?
(Mei) Watch Zuko and Echo get it on?
(BF) OTHER than that!

The funniest part is that she knows it, too.

BF: (Rae) Don’t worry, soon I’ll cash in on that girl’s life insurance policy and be livin’ it up in the Bahamas.

"The things I do for kicks,"

BF: Some kids engage in dangerous sports. Some kids do drugs. Mei badgers old women.
(Mei) The rush is like nothing else!

Mei muttered as she continued along on her way. She knew she was getting close;

BF: (Mei) Ugh, it’s starting to smell like wet ass up in here!

as she walked, the buildings she passed seemed to be getting dirtier,

BF: Each porn shop more scandalous than the last!

in varying states of decay...

BF: (Grissom) See this wood rot? By analyzing the rate of decomposure, we can determine the time of death for this two-by-four...
(Warren) He’s finally snapped...

and, a few minutes later, she spotted a familiar face.

BF: That guy that shows up in random scenes of Freakazoid!

"Yazzo!"

BF: Yazzo...must be Bozo the Clown’s nephew.

The boy turned around, eyes wide

BF: shut.

"Oh, hello, princess, what are you doing here?

BF: (Yazzo) Didn’t you hear the Beast say the West Wing is forbidden?

Well, that's nice, I'd love to stay and chat, but-"
"But what?" Mei asked, looking confused.

BF: (Yazzo) But I have this chip implanted in my brain that starts heating up when I talk to idiots. And right now my brain feels like the sun in an oven.

"But, he has some business with me," said a voice from the shadows to Yazzo's right, under the shade of a vegetable cart.

BF: (Voice, to Yazzo) Hey, kid, take that cucumber out of your pants and put it back on the cart. You’re not fooling anyone.

Mei stuck her chin in the air.

BF: Does Mei use her chin to smell or something...?
(Mei, sniffing) Friend...or foe?

"Oh, and who are you?"

BF: (Voice) I am...BATMAN!

"Maybe I should be asking you," the figure sneered.

BF: Where does this guy get his comebacks? The second grade? Or cheesy martial arts films?

He turned to Yazzo. "Why did you call her 'princess'?"

BF: (Voice) She’s obviously doesn’t carry herself like royal blood...

"Because I'm-"

BF: (Mei) JUST *THAT* GREAT.

Mei began.
"Because that's my nickname for her!

BF: Kinky pet name...

She's my sister!"

BF: REALLY kinky pet name...

Yazzo blurted, clamping a dirty hand over Mei's mouth.

BF: (Mei, muffled) Whad ish dat shmell?(Yazzo) My ass.

"I call her that because our mom treats her like royalty and makes me do chores all day!"

BF: (Yazzo) That and because she’s a royal pain in the arse...

The figure looked at Mei. "Is this true?"

BF: (Mei) Yes, yes! Now would you stop pointing that flashlight in my eyes?

Mei looked at Yazzo...then nodded slowly. "Yep."

BF: Yeah...like that whole scene isn’t TOTALLY obvious?
(Voice) Hey...what’s with the long stare and slow nod? Are you two brats trying to pull a fast one on me?
(Yazzo) Uh, no! My sister, you see, she’s a little crazy!
(Mei) >_< Hmph!
(Yazzo, in whisper) Play along! (Normal) Okay, sister, time to go see the doctor!
(Mei, to camel) Oh, hello doctor!
(Yazzo) No, no, no, not *that* one...

He looked them up and down

BF: (Mei) It’s like he’s undressing me with his eyes...

...filthy clothes...messy hair...yep. They were both

BF: Ho-bags.

street urchins. The figure seemed satisfied,

BF: With his shapely silhouette...
(Ozai) Let’s just stay off my turf. Or else.

as he flipped a gold coin in the air with his thumb and caught it.

BF: Oooh, can he do any other tricks?

"Just as well. You may be able to help, little girl.

BF: (Figure) See, I’ve lost my puppy...maybe you can help me find him? I have candy!

Can I make you an offer?"

BF: (Mei) Alright, five bucks for a quickie. But NO TEETH!

"What kind of an offer?" Mei asked slowly.

BF: (Figure) A very special offer! This entire tupperware set for only $19.99!!!

"I'm looking...oh, an old girlfriend," the figure said airily,

BF: (realization) GODDAMMIT, IT’S KOTAH!!!! WHY WON’T HE *DIE*!!!!????

tossing and catching the coin again.

BF: (Koko) We’ve already seen that trick. Do something new.

"But first, I have to do away with the Fire Lord."

BF: HAHAHAHA! YOU think you can take down Ozai, Kotah??! What a laugh...oh wait. Pussy!Zuko is Fire Lord now. No problem then.

Mei opened her mouth,

BF: To let the flies in.

but Yazzo gave her a look that clearly said, Shut up and keep listening.

BF: (Kotah Voice) Hey, are you giving your sister a look that clearly tells her to “shut up and keep listening”?
(Yazzo) Nope!
(Kotah Voice) Hmm...alright then.

"And how do you expect to do that?" Yazzo asked cautiously.

BF: (Kotah voice) I’ll send him on a nearly impossible mission to capture the Avatar! Hahahaha!

"I'm going north to find the

BF: Tundras of Alaska!

Avatar," the figure replied.

BF: (Kotah) Want to know the secret to keeping a fabulous “mysterious” figure? Bowflex, baby! The all-in-one workout machine!

Mei couldn't see his face, but she knew he was

BF: Voice acted by Mark Hamill.

smirking. "The Earth Kingdom is advancing on this place.

BF: (Earthbenders) We’re going to take back our parking spots! Every last one of them!

Pushing the freakin' Firebenders back to their own freakin' country.

BF: What’s with this freakin’ dialog?

I give it five or six months before this mindless war is over."

BF: Yay! That’s wonderful news!

Now she knew for sure that he was smirking.

BF: How dare he be pleased with the idea of peace! The bastard!

"But the Fire Lord will be dead long before that, if my plan goes correctly."
Mei's eyes widened...

BF: (Mei) Does this mean I get to be Queen now? SWEET!

this was obviously news to her.

BF: No, REALLY?

I have to tell my brother about this...

BF: (Mei, riding a horse down the streets) The Earthbenders are coming! The Earthbenders are coming!

I know he probably already knows...

BF: I know you know I know you know!

but, I mean, come on! A war, and now...a plan to assassinate him?

BF: Yeah, it’s not like Zuko’s the ruler of a widely hated nation or anything!

She felt the anger rise in her chest as she glared at the figure.

BF: Actually, it was heartburn.
(Mei) I like the palace food, but it doesn’t like me!

Who does this bastard think he is?

BF: (does a cross between a laugh and a sob) You don’t know, do you?

Yazzo elbowed her and said to the stranger, "What do you need us for?"

BF: (Kotah voice) Distract Zuko while I stab him in the back!
(Mei) Ooh, I know! I’ll use a cookie!

The figure looked up; Mei caught a glimpse of his dark eyes flashing.

BF: (Mei, squinting) They’re like strobe lights! I need to get ME a pair for the next rave!

"Keep in contact with me, kid. Give me news as my friends and I continue our journey to the North Pole."

BF: (Yazzo) How will we keep in contact with you?
(Kotah voice) Send your notes to Santa. I’ll steal ‘em from his mailbox.
(Yazzo) Okay...just make sure you don’t steal my wishlist, okay?

"What's in it for us?" Mei asked obnoxiously.

BF: Other than your beloved brother’s safety?

He tossed the gold coin to her. "Money."

BF: (Mei) Score!

Mei looked at Yazzo...a spark lit in his eyes, though he tried to hide it.

BF: Man, with all this flashing and sparking, you’d think people stuck firecrackers in their eye sockets.

The little boy nodded. "All right, sir."

BF: (Yazzo, coyly) May I have another, sir?

The figure again seemed satisfied, because he turned on his heel and disappeared into an alley, heading back to his ship to depart once again.

BF: (hitching up trousers) Yup, you know that’s one *satisfied* customer when they disappear into an alley without another word!

"What was that all about?" Mei demanded, whirling on Yazzo. "What do you mean, 'All right, sir'?"

BF: (Yazzo) I’m not sure I can simplify three syllables down anymore...

"Shush, he might still be here!" Yazzo looked around wildly,

BF: (Yazzo) He’s gunna be pissed when he finds out I stole his wallet! (Reads drivers license) “Most Idiotic OC Ever Created”? Mei, we could USE this to get you into R-rated films!

then whispered, "We're going to feed him false information.

BF: (Kotah, reading false info) Lord Zuko loves ponies, long walks on the beach, and Echo. Huh.

I don't know who that guy is, but he's not getting anywhere near your brother."

BF: More for Kotah’s safety than anything else.

Mei obviously looked relieved, because her body relaxed...

BF: (Mei, looking sheepishly at puddle beneath her) Whoops! Guess I relaxed a little TOO much...

and yet, she looked

BF: Like someone with two fingers and a rusty spoon had cut and done up her hair.

determined. "Are you sure about this? I mean...it could backfire."

BF: Ahh, what are the odds Kotah will get smart? Probably about the same as Zuko getting a spine.

Yazzo shook his head. "I don't know. But I'm glad you came, princess."

BF: Yeah, why IS Mei down in the ‘hood, anyway?
(Mei) I’m selling Auntie Rae’s “herbal remedies”...

"Call me

BF: (Mei, singing) Call me! On the line, you can call me any, any time! Call me!

Mei."
"All right, Mei..." he said uncomfortably. "So why are you here?"

BF: (Mei) I like to laugh at the poor people. And trip the cripples.

Mei shrugged. "I wanted to play with you and the other guys, y'know, like trying to reclaim the swamp, but..."

BF: But isn’t Yazzo, if I remember correctly, the son of nobility? What is HE doing here?
(Crystal Method, singing) Party in the Ghetto! In the Ghetto!

"I have chores."

BF: (Guy with Cart) Bring out yer dead! Bring out yer dead!
(Yazzo) Oops! There’s my cue! Got to get to work!

"And I need to go back and devise a plan. For some reason, I can't think straight right now."

BF: (Mei) I think it’s the stench of the poor people. It’s making me nauseous.

Yazzo nodded. "So...I'll see you around, then?"

BF: (Yazzo) Yeah, IN HELL.

Mei smiled and nodded as she turned and started walking away.

BF: That Mei is one heck of a multitasker.

"Yeah...bye!"
"Bye!" Yazzo watched her disappear into the distance, before heading back home.

BF: (Yazzo) Is she gone? Good. Now I don’t have to worry about her stalking me and finding out where I live...

Meanwhile, Kotah abandoned the dark cape as he

BF: Realized the “Tuxedo Mask” look wasn’t working for him.

jumped back into his newly-rented ship

BF: Coz the last one was a heap of junk.
(Kotah) Should ships be made out of cement?

with the rest of his friends, adrenaline surging through his veins.

BF: (Kotah) Pumping kids for information, what a rush!
(Mei) You should try pestering old ladies!

"It's a go. Next stop, the North Pole!"

BF: (Kotah) This year Christmas will be OURS!

"Meikka, come now. You're being utterly ridiculous."

BF: Ah, but when ISN’T she?

"Aunt Rae, come on! I'm only telling you what I know!"

BF: (Mei) I wasn’t there on the night of the murder, I swear!

The princess let out an uncharacteristic whimper

BF: What was uncharacteristic was that it wasn’t one of pleasure.

and drew her knees up to her chest. She was sitting on the edge of her aunt's bed,

BF: Until Rae yelled at her to get off the furniture.

after just recalling her latest dream...the one that had, yet again,

BF: Numerous sex scenes in it.

disturbed her

BF: It disturbed me too.

sleep at this time of night. It was almost one in the morning, after all.

BF: No more soda before bed, Mei. And that’s final.

"Look." Raeona looked exasperated...tired, more so.

BF: Pissed off, even *more* so.

"I know how much you want to be queen.

BF: (Mei, dreamily) I’m going to be the dancing queen...only seventeen...

But is it really necessary to keep making up these dreams?"

BF: (Mei) I have a dream...
(Rae) Quiet, you. Enough of your high-minded nonsense.

"I'm not making them up!

BF: (Mei) The pink elephant told me so!

And I don't want to be queen! Ever!" Mei cried, balling her fists.

BF: (Mei) I want to be Empress! Of the Universe!

"You know as well as I do that the only way that will ever happen is if...if..."

BF: Mei starts a hostile takeover.
(Mei, cackling) I’ve already destroyed their leader! Now I shall make myself their High Lord!

"If Zuko and Echo both die."

BF: Woooouuuuuldn’t it be loverly? Then, maybe afterwards, we can get Real Zuko to come in and clean up this mess!

"Yes! And I'd never want that to happen, never ever in a million years!"

BF: (Mei) A million and one, maybe, but not in a million!

Mei sniffled, stifling a sob. "Please, Auntie Rae...there must be something you can give me...to stop these dreams..."

BF: Mei becomes the poster child for medical marijuana.

Voices echoed in her head..."She en't our princess anymore, remember? She's our queen!"

BF: (other voice) Right-o, gov’ner!

Raeona looked at her whimpering form and softened. "All right, Meikka...I'll see what I can do."

BF: (Rae, drawing knife) I will end your suffering...FOREVER.

"Thanks, Auntie Rae."
"Now, will you go back to sleep?"

BF: (Rae, hiding knife and whispering) I’d prefer if you went quietly.

Mei nodded glumly, gave her aunt a hug, and shuffled back to her bedroom...

BF: Which was a small closet under the stairs.

And, as she crawled back into her bed and curled up, the moment she was asleep, a dream struck again.

BF: When dreams attack! Hyyaaaargh!

It was a smoke screen...Mei could barely see three feet in front of her.

BF: Mei, use your nose so bright!

But, by the floor tiles, she could tell that she was standing in the middle of the throne room.

BF: Well, judging by the white tiles, the PORCELAIN-throne room, anyway.

"Hello?" she called, looking around wildly. "Someone? Is anyone here?"

BF: Nobody here but us chickens!

Sniffing, coughing, Mei took a few steps back...she whirled around, and came face-to-face, again, with none other than herself.

BF: (Mei, sighing) Am I REALLY that fat?

"Brother!" Dream-Mei called frantically, running blindly in circles.

BF: Like a chicken with its head cut off.

"BROTHER! Where are you?"

BF: (Zuko’s voice) I’m in a place I’ve never been before!
(Mei) Eek! He’s in the tea house!

Both Mei and Dream-Mei twitched

BF: Perfect synchronization! A 10!

as two figures came crashing through the wall.
"Come on, Zuko!" a young boy's voice taunted. "Is that all you've got?"

BF: (voice) Give it to me baby! Uh-huh, uh-huh!

Mei heard the crackling of wood,

BF: (Mei) Oh good! Campfire night! Time to sing songs!

and she looked up. "The roof is

BF: (Mei) On FIAH!!

about to collapse!" Her dream-self ran in the direction that the voices were coming from, obliviously, screaming her brother's name. "ZUKO!"

BF: OMG SHE FINALLY SED ZUKOS NAME LIEK AWWW TOUCHING MOMENT YAY 4 CHARRY GROWTH!!!11

Zuko's voice, anguished, panting, sounded out of the smoke screen. "MEI! GET OUT, HURRY!"

BF: Yeah, I’d be anguished and panting if I had to tell Mei to “GET OUT” that many times.

"What's happening?" Mei whispered, looking around timidly. She couldn't make anyone out

BF: (Mei) There’s no one to make out with? NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

in the smoke...

BF: Stupid pirates and their smoke bombs!

but then, a hand that seemed to come

BF: Out from under her dress...

from nowhere reached up and grabbed a spear, which was on the wall for decoration along with hundreds of other weapons.

BF: (servant) Milord, do you really thinks it’s a wise idea to decorate the walls with weapons?
(Zuko) Well, I WAS considering papering the wall with my gum wrapper collection...
(servant) =_= ; I’ll get the axes and whatnot, sir...

The hand, upon which a blue arrow was painted, then quickly disappeared again, clutching the spear. And then...

BF: They all had a dance party!

"BROTHER!"

BF: SOU!
(Sou) Oh, am I in this fic?

Mei sat bolt upright in bed, sweating bullets.

BF: AK-47 bullets, to be exact.

She ran her hands though her hair, and let out a sob.

BF: (Mei) Someone’s stuck gum in my hair! *sob*
(Zuko) Hehe...at this rate, soon everyone will be forced to be partially bald—like me!

"No...dreams don't come true.

BF: Seems Mei is rejecting the Disney Dogma.

They don't. Not this one, not this time..."

BF: “Not this time?” So, have other dreams come true?
(Mei) I dreamt food ATE people once and then...my rice attacked me! It went right up my nose!

But that arrow...

BF: You could tell by it’s quality craftsmanship that it was Elvish!

on that person's hand...that spear must have been fifteen feet up on the wall.

BF: (Zuko) We like to child-proof the palace.

I saw it through the rising smoke. The only way to reach it would to be really, really tall,

BF: Tall? Is Shaq opening a can of Shaq-fu on Zuko?

or...possibly,

BF: A ladder!

Airbending.

BF: OR they could be one of the Harlem Globe-Trotters. Those guys can jump really high!

But that's impossible...no. Wait a second. Could it be that...? Her eyes widened, and she muttered aloud, "The Avatar?"

BF: Yeah. Coz Aang likes spears. And stabbing.

Mei hugged herself and shuddered.

BF: (Mei) The OOC...the OOC....

It was pure silence in the palace...the wee hours of the morning were the calmest.

BF: Not a creature stirred—not even a mouse!

However, soon she heard a shriek from the other room, and a voice, "GOOD GOD! Somebody, get in here!"

BF: They’re showing the season finale of Avatar!!!! HURRY!!!

"Brother?" Mei thrust her feet

BF: Into Echo’s unsuspecting face.

over the side of the bed and scampered into the bedroom next door. "What's wrong? Why did Echo scream?"

BF: What’d you do to piss her off THIS time, Zuko?

Zuko was standing next to the bed, pointing to Echo, opening and closing his mouth like a fish,

BF: That’s a good look for you, Zuko.

lost to words.

BF: Don’t worry, I’m sure Mei has something to say. She always does.

"Ooh, charades? I'm terrible at this game, but let me see.

BF: Oh, wow, where have I seen THIS skit before? Iroh? Your niece is doing the same thing you did several chapters ago.
(Iroh) Looks as though the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

Um...fish?

BF: (Mei) Echo looks like a fish? Hey, brother, you’re right!

Water? Snorkeling?

BF: Zuko comes up with the BEST vacation ideas!

NO! Um...chipmunks!"

BF: (Mei) I look like a chipmunk? You’re mean!

"Idiot! She's having the baby!" Zuko snarled.

BF: (Mei) Is it a chipmunk baby?

"We woke up in a puddle!"

BF: Oh dear. Echo’s pissed the bed again.

"But how sweaty can you be after-"

BF: (Zuko) Rae insists we use all these blankets she knitted. It’s nearly impossible to BREATHE under all of them!

"Her water broke, you little twit."

BF: Oh, sure, Echo SAYS that but...
(Mei) Should that water smell like pee?

"Wow, I wouldn't have expected you to know anything about the female reproductive system," Mei quipped.

BF: Iroh enrolled Zuko in Family Life Education after Echo got pregnant.
(Zuko) Gee, uncle, wish I’d known about condoms and protected sex *before* I got Echo knocked up!

She ignored her fuming brother

BF: Don’t ignore your fuming brother! It’s time to tip him over and pour him out!

and turned to Echo...the girl's features were clenched in pain, her chest rising and falling in time with her jagged breathing.

BF: (Zuko) Haw haw, it looks like she’s having an orgasm!

"Brother, go wake up Auntie Rae."
"But I should stay with-"

BF: Zuko doesn’t want to wake his Auntie from her beauty sleep.
(Zuko) Aunt Rae?
(Rae) ROOOOAAAAAARRRR!!!! Hiiissssssssssss!!!!

"NOW! Hello, your future son or daughter's life depends on Auntie Rae delivering him or her!"

BF: Make sure Rae brings her heavy-duty plunger.

At the dirty look Mei received from Echo,

BF: (Mei) Not now, Echo! We can make out AFTER the baby is born!

she quickly added, "Yeah, all right, it depends on how fast Echo can get him or her out, too."

BF: (Mei) Push that little sucker out, Echo!

Zuko shot his sister a look of resentment, then quickly left the room. "Fine..."

BF: I don’t see why Mei can’t wake up Rae. What possible services can Mei provide for Echo that Zuko can’t?
(Mei) Witty dialog?
(BF) Please.

Mei cheerily waved her fingers at him in a mocking farewell,

BF: The perfect way to soothe a stressed father-to-be.

and turned to Echo again. "Anything I can get you?"

BF: A clue?

Echo winced and gritted her teeth as another contraction hit. "A gun, maybe?"

BF: A weapon that would REALISTICALLY be in the Avatar world, maybe?

"This is so exciting, isn't it?" Mei chirped,

BF: (Roku) A feeling of dread is coming to this world...but Souzen’s comet isn’t due for another several months!

shoving some pillows under Echo's head.

BF: And bending her neck to a near 90 degree angle...

"You're having a baby!"

BF: A bouncing bundle of terror!

"Exciting wasn't exactly the word I was looking for..."
"Then what's the word?"

BF: Forboding?

Echo let out a pained cry. "Horrible! That's the word! Oh God..."

BF: Yeah, that works too.

A few moments later, Zuko came in, with Raeona trailing behind him.

BF: ...like goldfish poop.
(Zuko) I can’t shake her off!

The woman surveyed the scene in front of her, the faintest trace of excitement on her face.

BF: Rae’s getting off on Echo’s pain. Big time.

She turned to Zuko. "All right, get out."
The Fire Lord blinked, looking stupefied. "Excuse me?"

BF: Yeah, I’m stupefied too. He’s the Fire Lord, her husband, and the father of the child. Does none of that matter?

"I said, get out."
"No!"
Raeona grabbed her nephew's arm and hauled him toward the door.

BF: And was promptly bitch-slapped by Zuko for her impudence.

"Men only get in the way during childbirth!

BF: Riiiiiight....and how is yappity 10 year old Mei going to help? Why isn’t she getting booted out?

It's a woman's job, now you have to wait outside!

BF: (Zuko, outraged) Are you sexually discriminating against me?

We'll call you in when we need you!"

BF: (Zuko, still outraged) Oh, it’s always “We’ll call you!”—and then you never do!

Zuko looked (there was no other way to describe it) absolutely pissed.

BF: Uh. YEAH. It’s HIS baby. Unless Echo says she doesn’t want him there, he has the right to stay.
(Echo) No, Zuko should go...that way we can have a “funny” father-pacing scene with Iroh trying to calm him down.
(Arekisu) STOP GIVING AWAY THE CHAPTER!!!

"I want to be with her!

BF: Gak!

I should be-"

BF: Less OOC?

"I said, get out!" Raeona commanded, shoving him out the door. "What, do you not feel comfortable with me doing this? I know you have trust issues,

BF: (Zuko) NO, Auntie Rae, I KNOW the Avatar is not behind me!
(Rae) Oh, but he’s all tied up and gagged too!
(Zuko) *peek*
(Rae) HAHAHA! You fall for it every time!
(Zuko) DAMN YOU ALL!!!

but please, nephew. I've delivered countless babies,

BF: Because that’s what women of the high-court do...become mid-wives...yeah...

yourself and your sister included." Her expression softened a bit.

BF: (Rae, fondly) When you were born, you had the tiniest little ding-dong!
(Zuko, flustered) AUNT RAE!!!

"She'll be fine, Zuko. Don't worry, all right?"

BF: Couldn’t we have skipped the biznatchyness and just cut straight to the words of comfort?

As Raeona closed the bedroom door, her nephew was glaring at her with a look of utmost contempt

BF: For which we totally cannot blame him.

...and yet, somehow, she still managed to feel like she had just thrown one of Mei's countless smuggled-in-and-hidden-in-random-places-in-the-palace pets outside in the rain.

BF: You hear that, Zuko? Rae equates you to rodents and small mammals.
(Sokka) Are me and Suki considered these pets?

"No news yet, nephew?"
Zuko was sitting cross-legged, hunched over, with his elbow on his knee and his chin in his palm.

BF: His other elbow was on the blue spot and his left foot was barely reaching the red spot.
(Zuko) I hate playing Twister with uncle. He takes up so much room...
(Iroh, wickedly) If you can’t handle the competition, nephew...

"Nothing."

BF: In this fic, no news is good news.

Iroh plopped a cushion and a small, low table down

BF: ‘Squatter’ tables seem to be the table of choice for the wealthy of the Fire Nation.

where Zuko was camped out;

BF: (Zuko) Tent? Check. Marshmallows? Check. Ukelele? Check. Beer? CHECK.

right outside the bedroom door, in the hallway. "Have some jasmine tea, Zuko. Your nerves are getting the better of you."

BF: HOW did I know Iroh was going to offer him tea? Predictability...or do I have amazing physic abilities? I prefer to go with the latter.

"They are not." Zuko glared at his uncle. He'd been sitting here for hours, watching Mei bustling in and out of the bedroom,

BF: She’d been drinking too much soda and had to go to the bathroom frequently.

bringing Raeona random things like

BF: Saws, knives, hatchets.

blankets, towels, and occasionally, sandwiches.
"What do you need the sandwiches for?" Zuko had asked once as his sister had passed, eyebrow raised.

BF: (Mei) We ran out of towels, so we’re using the bread to stop the blood flow.

"To eat?" Mei suggested,

BF: Yeah, nothing gets my appetite up like watching a woman in labor.

then once again slammed the door in his face.

BF: Once again showing the high level of respect the title FIRE LORD gets.

And now, hours later,

BF: Is Echo working hard or hardly working in there?

Zuko was still out here, growing more irritated by the second...and more worried, too. His hands were shaking as he pushed the teacup away.

BF: Too much caffeine in the tea.

"I don't want any of your tea, uncle. Just leave me be."

BF: (Zuko) I hate that jasmine flavor, anyway.

"You know, it's normal for a new father to have jitters," Iroh said conversationally, taking a sip of tea.
Zuko looked at him, eyes narrowed. "What are you implying?"
"You're nervous."
"I'm not nervous." He looked away. "I just..."

BF: Now, we had this “You’re nervous” discussion in the wedding chapter. If there is any mention of homosexuality to follow, I will have to STAB SOMETHING.

Iroh raised his eyebrows, understanding what this meant. "You're worried."
"What if she dies?" Zuko blurted, whipping his head around, looking at his uncle with wide eyes.

BF: (Zuko) Uncle! I think my neck is broken!

"What if she gets sick and dies? And what if the baby dies right along with her? What if-"

BF: (Zuko) Could...could I BE that lucky, uncle? Should I even hope?

"Calm down!" Iroh interrupted. "Raeona knows what she's doing, nephew! You don't need to panic like this!"

BF: (Iroh, singing) Don’t worry! Don’t panic! Ain’t nuthin’ goin’ on but history, yeah, but it’s all right—don’t panic!

Zuko glared at him, twitching, his voice laced with venom. "Oh, does she, now?"

BF: (Rae, with knife) I’m gonna cut open your liverbones!

Iroh just looked at his nephew, comprehension dawning, and then announced flatly, "You blame Raeona for your mother's death. Is that right?"

BF: Weren’t we blaming Mei?

Silence.

BF: I guess we’re adding onto the list.

"She did everything she could, Zuko," Iroh said sternly. "You can't blame her for-"

BF: Mistaking Ataka’s labor a “intestinal gas”.

"'Everything she could' wasn't damned good enough!" Zuko shouted, then turned and faced the door. "It wasn't good enough, because it didn't save her life!"

BF: Ahh, yes, I thought we weren’t getting enough angst in this chapter...

Iroh put a hand on his nephew's trembling shoulder. "Zuko..."

BF: (Iroh) Stop trembling like a little pansy!

Moments later, a high-pitched scream sounded from inside the bedroom, and Zuko jumped to his feet, throwing the door open. "ECHO!"

BF: (Zuko) Is the witch dead yet? Can I have her ruby slippers?

"Congrats, brother!" Mei chirped, grinning widely. "It's a boy!

BF: Mei was the first to check for a penis.

And he has hair!"

BF: (Mei) And it’s all done up in a ponytail!

Zuko froze. "Wh...what?"

BF: (Mei) What’s really weird is that he came with a scar too.

"I...I did it..." Echo was on the bed, eyes closed, chest heaving as she panted. Zuko ran over to her, sat down by he pillow, and mopped her bangs off her forehead, his hands still shaking nervously.

BF: (Echo) Damn, Zuko, you look even worse than me.

A few moments later, a smiling Raeona handed Echo a bundle.

BF: Of stolen goods.

"He's beautiful, dear."

BF: Guess he got his looks from Zuko. Lucky kid.

"...Really?" Echo opened her eyes and stared. The baby boy was wailing and wriggling in his blanket.

BF: (Baby) NOOOOOOOOO!!! I don’t want to be born into a bad fanfic!!

"He has your hair color,

BF: “Nappy brown.”

and his father's eyes,"

BF: “Piercing Amber”.

Raeona noted, nodding at the baby. "What will you name him?"

BF: (Zuko) Let’s name him Frantucket.

Zuko looked down at their son...

BF: (Zuko) The spawn of my loins....

he found himself staring into a pair of brilliant amber eyes, framed by tufts of wavy brown hair. The baby stopped crying for a moment, looked back at him, and burbled.

BF: (Zuko, repulsed) EW.

Echo rubbed the baby's back. "I don't know...how about...Kato?" She looked at Zuko.

BF: Damn, Echo, you SUCK at coming up with names!

"Kato...it's fitting," Zuko mumbled, putting an arm around her. "It's very fitting."

Whomever: It is?
BF: It is?

"Want to hold him?" Echo asked, handing the bundle over to Zuko.

BF: (Zuko) Aw hell naw, get that thing away from me!

"I want to hold-oh, come on, Auntie Rae!" Mei pouted. She'd hopped up from her chair at the offer, but her aunt had quickly thrust an arm in front of her.

BF: (Rae) I can’t trust you with small pets, let alone small infants.

"Let's leave them alone for now," Raeona said firmly, ushering Mei and Iroh out the door. "We need to let the three of them have some time alone."

BF:(sparklesparkle) *~SPECIAL FAMILY BONDING TIME!~*

"But Auntie Rae-"
"Come on, Raeona-"
"Out, out, out!" Raeona pushed the two out the door,

BF: (Zuko) At least it isn’t me this time...

then turned to Zuko, Echo and Kato. "If there's anything you need...anything at all..."

BF: That gun Echo mentioned earlier? I think we could actually use that. And we still need a clue here.

"We'll call you," Echo responded. "Thanks, Aunt Rae..."
"Any time." Raeona smiled as she left, shutting the door behind her.
Echo leaned against Zuko as he held Kato. "I feel like crap."

BF: (Zuko) You look like crap. Smell like it too.

"Then sleep. You've earned it." Zuko tightened his arm around her,

BF: ...*neck*, slowly suffocating her.

felt her body relax. He was looking at Kato, holding the infant in his free arm. Kato yawned cutely and smacked his lips a few times, before drifting off to sleep.

BF: *GAG*, Disney!baby.

Well, Zuko thought silently, as Echo fell asleep as well. I've failed miserably at everything else in life...

BF: Only in your marriage choice, Zuko.

I won't fail at being a father. He looked down at the sleeping infant in his arms, and a faint, yet growing smile crossed his face.

BF: And his heart grew three sizes too big. NOT.

I promise.

BF: To stop acting doofy?

***

And so, Mei did what most girls do when a male bastard is off guard...she kicked him one between the legs. Zuko immediately dropped to his knees, and clutched himself, his voice unusually squeaky. "You little bitch...I'm going to kill you!"
Can we have a moment of silence for Zuko?

spacyspacyspacyspacyspace.